If the Earth is only 5000 years old, how do you explain Cher?
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“I know it takes an egg and sperm to make a baby, but how do they mix together?”
– My 7yo, right before I received that urgent phone call
Me: if you tell me how many cookies are in this jar, you can have them all.
She: you ate them all didn’t you?
Me: and we have a winner.
The Water Board sent me a notice saying that my bill was a year old,
I obviously apologised for forgetting, and sent them a birthday card.
You want me to work for exposure? The thing that killed everyone in Chernobyl?
You can change your cat’s name every day. They don’t care.
I’m listening, but this 5-year-olds ‘polka-dotted dinosaur astronaut’ story better have a point
Peacock tails: Good!
Pee cocktails: Bad.
I know this is the kind of thing everyone avoids talking about, but I’m going to say it.
I think I’m smarter than most, if not all, babies.
Everyone likes the guy who won’t tolerate bullshit until it’s your bullshit.
You ever eat fish and chips at the aquarium and get the feeling you’re being watched?
The neighbors with the baby moved out, and now the loudest crying heard throughout the entire apartment complex comes from me.
I lied and told someone, “I can’t go to your party I have diarrhea.” I actually do have diarrhea but historically that hasn’t stopped me
[coworker interrupting my story about how my weekend was] first of all McDonald’s doesn’t even have soup
Me: How do you guys want your steaks cooked?
Kids: Cook them so they taste like chicken nuggets.
I ruined so many good songs for myself by making them my alarm clock sound
[runs to the door to greet wife]
I’m afraid there’s been a terrible accident involving all the things you asked me to do today.
Me: Hey, don’t assume I’m dying alone. I might find someone, you don’t know.
Waiter: I asked if you were dining alone.
Me: Oh, sorry. Yes.
* Dentist is singing along to a Maroon 5 song as he’s drilling in my mouth.
Me: (holds up finger to pause)
Can you turn that up?Dentist: The music?
Me: No. The drill.
Dentist:
Don’t mind me, I’m just a mom sitting in the dark eating a tub of ice cream because I spent the entire weekend doing laundry and then my kids changed clothes
“Let’s play 21 questions”
Nigerian Girl: how tall are you?
Nigerian Guy: Rice. What’s the worst thing you’ve done with a guy?
My neighbours were furious last time I held a yard sale.
I sold their house.
If you think one of my tweets is about you, it isn’t. Except this one.
You want me to turn around. The thing that led to a total eclipse of the heart
I’m so lazy, if I got kidnapped I’d just think, “Well, this is where I live now.”
In the car and passed by a cop and my 12 year old says “everyone be cool! Act normal!”
Expecting that Father of the Year award any day now
Sex with me is like eating spaghetti with a spoon.
[Fortnite with 9]
9 y/o: Dad can I make you party leader?
Me: Sure, why?
9 y/o: So we can have easier matches since you’re so bad.
Chefs who can’t admit failure present:
Soft-boiled eggs
Steak tartare
Twice-baked potatoes
Sour cream
Calzones
Pineapple upside down cake
*steps on Lego*
*stumbles backwards and trips over more Legos*
*throws all Legos away*
*Grandparents buy more Legos for Christmas*