@OddMarc

If the Earth is only 5000 years old, how do you explain Cher?

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@QwertyJones3

Pictionary is the perfect game to play whenever you need an excuse to punch your friend in the face.

@TheCiscoKidder

Cop: Why did you burn that building down?

Me: Because they keep sending emails after unsubscribing.

Cop: You’re free to go.

@omgthatspunny

I had a little bird, her name was enza, I opened up the window and influenza.

@BoomBoomBetty

Movies, when someone gently places a blanket over a sleeping woman: she smiles in her sleep and snuggles in.

Me, when someone gets within 5 feet of me while I’m sleeping: starts boxing the air like Rocky on his second wind taking down Drago.

@DanMentos

My Grandpa: killed 17 Nazis and singlehandedly saved his entire battalion in WWII
Me: Sits around all day making up stories about my Grandpa

@NewDadNotes

Me: I bought an elephant.
Wife: how much did it cost?
Me: I don’t rem-
Elephant: $32,872.
Wife:
Me:
Elephant: I have an excellent memory.
Me: but he was on sale!
Wife: were you?
Elephant: no.

@TheHyyyype

her: my parents are gone πŸ˜‰

liam neeson: ok when did u see them last

@just1fool

“Please. Make yourself at home.”

*Brings cat and litter box inside*

*Spreads cat poop on ground next to litter box*