@OddMarc

If the Earth is only 5000 years old, how do you explain Cher?

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@realHamOnWry

[Delta Airlines Interview]

Me: Sorry I’m 3 hours late.

Interviewer: You’re hired!

@notthenanny

Toddler: [spills cup of apple juice]

Me: Don’t move!

Toddler: [sits on spill]

@euanDroberts

And the Lord said to Peter “come forth and you will receive eternal life”.

But Peter came fifth and won a toaster.

@iRowlf

A haunted house that has a room where a bunch of women ask you “Notice anything different about my hair?”

@3sunzzz

*carrying dog*

Clerk: no pets allowed

Me: *closes eyes* It’s my seeing eye dog.

C: You tried that last week.

M: IT’S MY SEEING EYE DOG!

@CoreyKeyz

Buying a girl drinks at the bar is played out. You gotta send a pizza & a basket of wings to her table

@KrissiBex

I love kids…But stop making me hold your baby. Why are you letting people touch your new born?!?
I don’t let people touch my new iPhone

@NYC_Blonde

Me: Is there alcohol in this?
Barista: … No ma’am.
Me: Can there be?

@teacup_giraffe

Walk up to the guy with a popped collar and spiked hair & say “What’s up, Chad?” & he’ll be all “Whoa… How’d you know my name, bro?”