Pictionary is the perfect game to play whenever you need an excuse to punch your friend in the face.
If the Earth is only 5000 years old, how do you explain Cher?
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Cop: Why did you burn that building down?
Me: Because they keep sending emails after unsubscribing.
Cop: You’re free to go.
I had a little bird, her name was enza, I opened up the window and influenza.
Movies, when someone gently places a blanket over a sleeping woman: she smiles in her sleep and snuggles in.
Me, when someone gets within 5 feet of me while I’m sleeping: starts boxing the air like Rocky on his second wind taking down Drago.
My Grandpa: killed 17 Nazis and singlehandedly saved his entire battalion in WWII
Me: Sits around all day making up stories about my Grandpa
Me: I bought an elephant.
Wife: how much did it cost?
Me: I don’t rem-
Elephant: I have an excellent memory.
Me: but he was on sale!
Wife: were you?
her: my parents are gone 😉
liam neeson: ok when did u see them last
“Please. Make yourself at home.”
*Brings cat and litter box inside*
*Spreads cat poop on ground next to litter box*
I would walk barefoot over hot koalas for you.