Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Me: OMG, I haven’t seen you in so long!

Her: We’ve never met.

Me: That long huh?

Titanic (1997): a boat gets murdered by an ice cube.

last day before retirement cop: I’ve been shot!
suddenly encased in jelly cop: mmphht

*Me, unprepared giving toast at BBQ with family and friends on Labour Day*

Yes, uh, Labour Day. The day devoted to labour. The day we recognize all the women who’ve, uh, been in labour and how difficult that must’ve been. *raises glass* To being preggers!

Filmmaker: “I made a documentary.”

Netflix Exec: “Great. How much footage do you have?”

Filmmaker: “About 15 minutes.”

Netflix Exec: “Sold. We’ll release it as four 1-hour episodes.”

1) Lick tip.
2) Stick it in gently.
3) Pump 12-20 times.
4) Sweat profusely.
5) Pull out gently.
-Instructions on inflating a basketball.

“When you fall in love it burns and you die, right?”
Yes, son. Love is terrible.
“No Mom, I said LAVA.”
Oh. You maybe can survive that one.

You know you’re an adult when you’ve injured yourself sleeping

In the near future, little old ladies won’t know how to sew, knit, or quilt, but they’ll take awesome self-pics in bathroom mirrors.

Apparently, changing your profile to “Flirty, dirty and a little squirty” gets you kicked out of Christian Mingle.

Me: *Getting dressed*
Husband: *throws pants on floor beside hamper* “Where are you going?”
Me: “Jail.”

[points at crying baby]

I used to be just like you, and no, it doesn’t get better.

Me: I’ll be ready in 2 minutes!
7: YOU SAID THAT A THOUSAND TRILLION MILLION YEARS AGO!
Looks like neither of us really have a grip on time.

Hi. This is my first time at yoga. When I called they said to bring a Matt. *points at man standing next to her* Now what do we do with him?

I took sex ed in school. At no point did they point out that I wouldn’t have any

I push everything I have across the table and confidently call “all in”.
“Omg, for the last time, this is chess”

when I was a kid I was terrified of being born on feb 29 even though I had already been born

Hmm 🧐

it’s weird that a librarian and a book-keeper are different things

Once I’ve repeated what I said for the third time, I have to tell my dark family secret:
I come from a long line of mumblers.

*snowing outside*

HIM: I should salt the front walk

ME, nodding: Ooh, to enhance the umami flavor

Whenever I need a good laugh…

…I start reading suggested serving sizes.

ME: I’m so nervous. It’s my first day on the job. I definitely fibbed on my qualifications to get this job. Hope I can figure it out before I mess up.

CO-PILOT: …What?

My hips? Compulsive liars.

One of the Covid symptoms is loss of taste so how do La Croix drinkers even know?

“Oh hey there, didn’t recognize you with your cap on,” I say flirtatiously to my toothpaste.

“No no, remember I told you we don’t do that in our house..”

-Me, breaking up a cat fight.

one pride i got into an uber wearing a pride flag as a dress & the driver immediately put on christian radio. i started singing along bc i knew the song from childhood & ive never seen a more confused man in my life

Kids at this rave act like they’ve never seen a CPAP machine.