if the earth is so flat explain why cats haven’t pushed everything off it yet. you can’t.
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Where have you been all my life? Please go back there.
First date:
And if you could slide over a little bit my Mom would like to sit next to you…
She said she was a cat person…
…but the way she reacted when I pushed her off the bed told a very different story.
he looks great for his age
I’m gaining weight because it’s hard to carry around this much “awesome” in a standard-sized body.
It’s not easy sitting around all day doing nothing. It’s hard to know whether or not you’re done.
Imagine me with poor grammar. Wrong. Worser.
Tinder is a food delivery app if you’re good at it.
[Being Tortured]
Thug: *lights blowtorch* you know what this is for?
Me: Is it… Is it for creme brulee
Thug: *making creme brulee* I heard you were lactose intolerant
People who don’t follow you but comment on tweets with ridiculously stupid opinions are just hecklers with all the charm of a pedophile.
TSA agent: Did you leave your baggage unattended?
Me: *Thinks about crushing weight of all previous life experiences* Nope got it all here with me
5-year-old: I’ll stop asking you to take our family to Disneyland
Me: You finally understand we can’t afford it
5: You should just send me
The number of STDs I can spell without autocorrect really bothers me.
🤣🤣🤣
Spelling words to your spouse to hide things from your kids is great until you get to M&Ms.
My heart says yes, but my ankle monitor says no
These golfers behind me keep yelling, “Take your shot!” but they haven’t poured me any tequila.
If I had a time machine, I would go back to the day we first let my daughter watch SpongeBob SquarePants and just destroy our TV
Me: I think this is going pretty well.
Date: You dropped a chicken wing down your shirt and yelled ‘chicken breast!’
Me: *mouth full of pasta* mm-hmm
[Catholic church]
*priest hands out “What To Expect At Your Exorcism”Husband: Babe, this isn’t counseling
Me: You said you’d try anything
Wife: [holding old dog] I thought you took care of this yesterday
Stormtrooper husband: *looks out back to see gun marks all over the yard*
Friend: What’s the consequence for bigamy? Me: You have to visit TWO sets of inlaws over the holidays
The best way to prevent COVID is the consumption of durian fruit. It doesn’t kill the virus but it is excellent for social distancing
Apparently, if you scream into a pillow at Target you have to buy it.
Not only was my brother not mad when I backed into his Porsche, he even invited me camping and said to bring a shovel. Whew!
The Macarena is pretty menacing if you do it in silence in the queue at the bank.
Trying to pay for a $10 item with a 5 dollar bill and explaining that the bill is double sided
*Looking to buy a house*
ME: So, tell me about the neighborhood.
REALTOR: Great school district, very safe neighbo…
ME: No, I mean like the bars.. Are the bars close to here and do I need an Uber or can I just walk to them? What are their happy hour specials like?
I think most “Emergeny Exit Only – Alarm Will Sound” doors are bluffing, but I’m too much of a coward to find out.