if the earth is so flat explain why cats haven’t pushed everything off it yet. you can’t.
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*the force awakens*
*the dark knight rises*
*they make eye with eachother adn realize they were sleepig in the same bed*
AHHHHHHHHHHHH
[watching TV]
“Buy her the perfect diamond earrings for the holidays…”
Wife: Those are perf-
Me: *changes channel*
My parents waited way too long to tell me about Santa and the Easter Bunny. I was so mad I got in my car & drove away.
Me: the cords are tangled.
Brain: pull at them.
Me: shouldn’t I just untangle them?
Brain: pull at them violently.
That job interview was going so well until I realized I was fucked up on acid in the middle of a cornfield naked and talking to a scarecrow.
I think nervous flatulence would be helpful if you were ever kidnapped
A sheep walks into a bar. Lots more sheep follow, the barman counts them and falls asleep, the sheep help themselves to free drinks. Genius.
The revolution will be televised, but interrupted by a live breaking story about a new panda at the zoo.
How the button came off my shirt.
A thread.
Why did they call them fad diets and not newtrition.
Oh, you want me to join you at your family’s cabin? Should I tie myself up and climb into your trunk too?
My lucky number is 17 so I’m really hoping that 2017 is finally going to be my year. Otherwise, I’ll have to change my lucky number again.
This florist doesn’t even know anything about floors, and he’s acting like I’m the stupid one!
I don’t believe in killing perfectly healthy Christmas trees for decorative purposes. When I kill a tree, it’s strictly for pleasure.
toast doesn’t talk how do you know it’s french
Don’t watch nature documentaries with me unless you want more information than the narration provides.
Doctor: Any food allergies?
Patient: Sometimes dairy products disagree with me
Carton of milk: That’s not true
Me: “Did it hurt when you fell from heaven?”
Her:
Me: “I SAID, DID IT HUR-”
Medic: “Step aside sir”
I guess a good thing that would happen to me if the zombie apocalypse ever occurred is that I’d finally start running
Just saw someone refer to a cat as a spicy dog…this is the only way now.
(sees a hot guy at the bar)
me: hey dude. why don’t you take off that big coat? you’re sweating everywhere
trainer: Why are you here?
everyone else: To get fit!
me [with a mouthful of gummy bears] Mmfff
Spotify: hey, we make playlists catered to your unique tastes.
Spotify user: listens to 18 hours of Mongolian throat singing, Icelandic drumming bands and a peruvian death metal band.
Spotify: pls listen to drake
Me: I think this diet is gonna work.
Cheese: No.
imagine earning a science degree then having to be a meteorologist who announces the prophecy of a groundhog
These teenagers down at the skate park will boost my self-esteem.
I’m not saying they’re stupid, but certain people I know would use a broom on a fire extinguisher after reading “sweep side to side”
I had an irrational fear of bees until I saw My Girl and it became rational.
me: you can’t take all that candy to school
son: then what do I do with it?
me: you leave it here
son: with you?
Jenga, but it’s just me, pulling salad out of my sandwich.