If the Earth was really flat, all the cats would have pushed everything off it by now.
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Why is there so much day left at the end of my patience
I bet somebody on Facebook is vowing to not eat Russian salad dressing EVER AGAIN.
The hardest part of potty training my puppy is shitting outside with him so he can learn how to
[The Justice League on patrol]
Superman: Wait! I smell something fishy…
Batman:*chuckles*
Aquaman: Know what? Screw you guys. I’m going home
Skeletons are a weird costume cuz you already got one of those in your body you’re pretty much a bone oreo with skin frosting dude
how is March already THIS WEEK, I’m still processing the industrial revolution era of 1820-1840
I don’t care what color or creed you are. Or what your religion is. Do not eat my work sandwich.
I should be getting paid for getting up at 3 am. to go pee.
I still use my laptop to tweet. Also, I ride my horse through the shire to get to the blacksmith.
After Captain America was thawed from the ice, his first encounter with a Japanese-American must’ve been really awkward.
Let’s play a game.
What item did my almost 3yo bring into our bed.
A: A teddy bear
B: A blanket
C: A @$!&*’n toilet brush
Shit magnet has been purchased! Now we will always remember our trip to Crabonela.
A poltergeist was moving furniture around the house, and I really love what he’s done with the place.
*sticks hand into jean pocket*
Aw damn, why in the hell do I have bbq sauce in my pocket?
*checks other pocket and finds nuggets*
Oh, ok.
Sharon pls come back just because it’s bouncy doesn’t mean it’s not a house
I don’t want to stand, Apple Watch. You stand.
The fact that the British call math “maths” scares me, since the only thing more frightening than math is plural math.
When I see a piece of gum in the urinal, I think of how painful that piss must’ve been for that guy.
In pretty sure my wife’s most prized possession is her plastic bag full of other plastic bags.
The urge to say “yeah you should do that”, especially when you have no clue.
I knew he was the one when I asked if he liked to hike and he answered “On purpose?”
I have a magical ability to render my daughter instantly and completely deaf by simply saying the word “bedtime.”
me: you’re killing it
my murderer: that’s so nice of you to say
A load of falling lizards is called a blizzard, right??
Imguana see myself out
My neighbor won a hay show. Hay like in grass that livestock eats. There’s a show for it
What do I “do for fun”? I’m an adult. It’s a good day if nothing breaks in my house, I don’t need Ibuprofen, and my favorite laundry detergent goes on sale.
When my family makes me mad, I make them eat quinoa. I am drunk with power
I picked up some socks off the floor and my 4yo said, “I was just going to do that.” Now I’m waiting for him to start asking why there are so many lights on in this house
Some day, you too, will meet someone you want to spend the rest of your days without
**shaking a magic 8-ball**
Me: Will my vision ever get better?
Coconut: