If the Earth was really flat, all the cats would have pushed everything off it by now.
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[Pulls away from kissing]
So you do want me to interview for the cat juggling job?
The only reason I watch political speeches is cause I’m hoping there’s gonna be a sniper.
Stay in milk
Brush your school
Drink your teeth
Don’t do sleep
And get eight hours of drugs
[Driving]
Wife: You missed a right.
Me: Thanks babe – you MRS right.
Can’t. Doing hot girl shit.
*decapitates lemon gummy bears with glistening incisors
Me: my personality is broken I’m here to buy a new one
Psychiatrist: that’s not how therapy works-
Me: [slides $20] I want to be cool
My dog stayed up late playing with the neighbor dog last night and then he slept till 11am and he won’t tell me a thing about her, is this what it’s like to parent a teenager?
Cop: know why I pulled you over?
“Hopefully to arrest me.”
Cop: [sees backseat full of screaming kids] sir, please step out of the vehicle.
Apparently people mistook my innocent “what street did you grow up on” tweet for data mining.
Which is hysterical in a completely non-Russian bot fabricated to crack your Pinterest password & steal your Dog Sweater Vision Board ideas kind of way.
(genuine human laughter)
I hate when sales people say stupid things like “Please stop undressing the mannequins, and your credit card has been declined again.”
Lady in packed doc office waiting room: This whole county has flu or pneumonia. It’s crazy. My office has 30 people, 14 are out with the flu
Me: *quietly moves to opposite side of waiting room*
the Monday after daylight savings
[end of the night]*hand running through her hair, pulls out a lizard*
ME: no not again
*she unzips jacket, collapses into a pile of lizards*
Running down the street dragging an entire bank behind me because I stole one of those pens attached to the little silver chain
When you do drugs, you’re also doing all the drugs that those drugs have done.
Gonna open a store that sells old books and pasta and call it Barnes & Noodles.
me: *hanging back a bit while out with friends*
friends: that guy has followed us to 3 bars.
Here’s a fun number: 8
After months of testing, 8 is the number of whiskey sours I can have before my online students begin to notice that I am losing consciousness.
me: *waking up* who’s there
monster under bed: hi
me: *shaking* omg you’re real
monster under bed: but i won’t hurt you
me: oh
monster under bed: just give me all your halloween candy
me: dad?
monster under bed *taking off mask to reveal my dad*: dad tax
Name please
“Yo-Yo Ma”
Your full name
[quietly] “Yoghurt-Yoghurt Marmalade”
If you boil a funny bone does it then become a laughing stock.
Is fructose made with real fruct?
Me: I’d like a neck tattoo
Tattoo artist: okay, of what?
Me: I just told you
Tattoo artist:
Me: on my forearm
“Everybody Dance Now” – C & C Music Factory
“20 sided Dice now” – D & D Music Factory#LunchPun #RateMyPun
I set out a suitcase to pack for my flight later today and spotted my 3 year old crawling inside it to hide. I casually zipped it up, yelled “I’M OFF TO THE AIRPORT, EVERYBODY!”, and carried it to the car. I’ve circled the block twice and my luggage hasn’t stopped laughing.
Funny how whenever I ask someone how a girl I knew is doing, the first thing they say is “married.”
Like that’s gonna stop me!
Me: *steps up to the plate, spits, adjusts cup, taps helmet*
Waiter: is there a problem
“how can you be single?”
*smirks*
gimme 60 seconds, you’re about to find out
Guy got to the gym a few minutes before I did and asked “Are you ok with listening to metal?” so I was just like “Yeah sure that’s fine” and he put on Fall Out Boy lol
