If the earth were flat, cats would have pushed everything over the edge already
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Little known fact:
Centipede’s are the Metric version of Inchworms.
[First prison riot]
Me: *guarding my toilet wine*
My co worker managed to get the first two lines of a Christmas carol in before I pushed her out the window
I optimistically invited guests for this weekend while my house was unusually clean and now a week later I see why that was a mistake
I told our stepmom that when you first log onto Zoom calls, you’re supposed to put your face close to the camera and open your mouth really wide so other callers can examine your teeth.
My brother just sent me an angry text.
But if I go out, who is going to stick their finger in the cat’s mouth and ruin his yawns?
me: how do i use this inhaler?
doctor: you suck.
me: i’m trying sorry
“Your call is important to us”
[67 minutes later]
“Your call is important to us”
[hold music]
Alanis: it’s like raaaaaiin 🎵
Are they Milk Duds? Cuz I’m definitely not getting in your van for some stupid Milk Duds.
I want a lady in the streets and a billion dollars
AHHHHHHHH HONEY COME QUICK THERE’S A RAT IN THE SHOwer oh uh never mind, it’s just my hair in the drain
No one in movies or TV shows ever properly freak out when they see someone eat sauce off a wooden spoon then put the spoon that they just licked back in the sauce.
Me: I’ll take $50 bucks on pump 1 please
Bartender: get your mouth off the keg sir
This weekend, my wife & I reached our goal of losing 70 pounds together. But we gained it back when we picked up the kids from my parents.
I was challenged to fisticuffs in the carpark once, other chap led the way, I followed until we came to a corridor which led back to the bar, I took it, he carried on oblivious, never seen him again, bouncer wouldn’t let him back in – God bless him.
is this meant to deter me
When I say, “No problem,” I mean, “YOU REMEMBER THIS FAVOR FOREVER.”
“holy crap….um guys?!” – the first caterpillar to wake up out of a cocoon
So I taught myself how to juggle chainsaws from a YouTube video and let’s just say this took me twenty minutes to type out one handed
you know that feeling, as a kid, you’re out shopping with your mom, and
shopkeeper, be like $1,200,
then mom, without shame, be like $17.so you jump to death from the check-out desk.
55% of all country music songs in the ’70s described the tightness of someone’s jeans
Me: Who’s a good boy? WHO’S A GOOD BOY? Who wants a belly rub? WHO WANTS A BELLY RUB?
Client: Can I get a different massage therapist?
To whoever stole my thesaurus, you made my day bad. I hope bad things happen to you. You’re a bad person.
I know it’s traditional to start work at 9, but I think we could lower that age to 8.
“funeral” and “badminton” should just swap their first 3 letters
“Are you left handed?” – people who see me writing with my left hand, curious if I am just doing it for show.
Optimist: The cup is half full.
Pessimist: The cup is half empty.
Taxidermist: The cup was empty, but I stuffed it full again.
Bigamist: I think this is Rachel’s cup. Or Amy’s. Maybe Susan’s?
Alarmist: Someone drank out of my cup! Watch out for thirsty burglars, people!
A girl phoned me the other day and said…”Come on over, there’s nobody home.” I went over. Nobody was home.
8: What do you want for Mother’s Day?
Me: I want you to do some chores.
8: That’s not special, though. You always ask us to do chores.
Me: Yes. The special part will be if you actually do them.
Who did it better?