If the earth were flat, cats would have pushed everything over the edge already
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If you’ve been talking for 5 minutes straight, it might be someone else’s turn
“Everything in moderation,” I whisper as I pour my 8th cup of coffee.
They also CAN sing✌️
“Experts” need to stop blaming that 2020 Halloween candy shortage on me.
9: I don’t get why that words with friends game mom plays is fun
13: it’s only fun because she’s old
Dog [opening Christmas present]: I swear to god Jason if I get one more bone I will OH MY GOD A BONE IT’S A BONE HOW DID YOU KNOW THIS IS THE BEST PRESENT EVER I CAN’T BELIEVE YOU GOT ME A BONE I LOVE THIS I LOVE YOU
*thinks of joining gym tomorrow*
*celebrates the thought with a pizza*
You say jump I say how high. You say run I say how fast. You say lets hang out I say no.
“There’s a lot to unpack here” is something I say when I don’t have the slightest understanding of what you just said.
I saw The Exorcist when I was 12 and when Father Karras asked Regan what his mother’s maiden name was and she boots pea soup all over him, a guy in the theater yelled ‘his mother’s name was Green’ and that was the first time I really understood what comic relief meant
Every time I see someone getting a mud bath I assume they’re hiding from The Predator.
If a girl says she loves you, do you tell her thank you or run away screaming? Asking for a dad.
Seriously, asking for a dad. I need a dad.
I think it’s safe to say that I’ve earned my gray thumb. My rock garden is blooming like crazy.
The only reason I know it’s February is because the M&M’s are pink.
me: any historical figure?
wizard: that’s right[later at dinner]
Beethoven: you seem disappointed
me: *hiding dog treats* it’s fine
This empty can of Cheese Whiz will now be known as Cheese Was.
A mosquito fell into my beer five minutes ago and now he’s naked and calling his ex-girlfriends and drinking my beer
My youngest is being tested for the gifted program at his elementary school and my other son thinks his toothbrush is haunted.
Tacos are NOT a good pre yoga snack.
I know this now.
Me: Does anyone need to use the restroom?
My kid: I have to poop, but Imma hold it till we get on the plane.
Me: Can I please be 7? It’s my lucky number.
Policeman: Get in the damn line up.
😭😭😭
Him: I’d like to hear you scream.
Me: *screams like a banshee*
Years ago, the woman who would one day be my wife asked me to be her date to a friend’s wedding. On the ride home, she asked me for my thoughts about the ceremony. I said it was actually really nice. She then looked at me lovingly & said, “don’t get any ideas.”
Me: do you like my new hairstyle?
17: oh – did you do that on purpose?
We told you to stop at 2012
– the mayans
I recently got a tattoo with Chinese symbols that reads, “I don’t know. I don’t speak Chinese.”
Then when people ask me what it means…
* Finds what I’m looking for
* Can’t remember why I was looking
I always leave my front door unlocked on my birthday just in case someone is planning to kidnap me in the morning and take me to breakfast 🙂 so far I’ve had zero birthday breakfasts 🙂 and two Blu-ray players robbed 🙂
me: [dancing in a well lit area]
Bruce Springsteen: absolutely not