If the earth were flat, cats would have pushed everything over the edge already
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“Lets all start wearing weird ’90s mom jeans!” – girls now
Awww, how nice for wittle Jeb #JokeoftheDay #Conan
me: waiter this soup is cold
waiter: it’s Gazpacho
me: Gazpacho this soup is cold
When a football player points to the sky after a touchdown he’s saying “That one’s for you, international space station”
i’m reading this thesaurus. it’s really interesting, or should i say… very interesting.
50,000 retweets and our professor will let us get our medical degrees without taking our finals! I want to be a pediatric heart surgeon, let’s goooooooo
“BRING ME THE FOETUS’ OF 3 CHICKENS”
*Maniacal stare*
“Listen dude, its called an omelette,a 3 egg omelette”
“AND THE BLOOD OF 4 ORANGES”
My kid is almost old enough for social media so we’ll need to have “the talk” soon. You know, about your/you’re and their/there/they’re.
March 23: Trump pretends to drive big-rig. House bill falls apart.
July 17: Trump pretends to drive firetruck. Senate bill falls apart.
My teenaged daughter just asked me how to spell U2.
Fingers crossed for that athletic scholarship.
Increase your odds of your pickup lines working by adding “and there’s pizza” at the end.
You don’t want to be on any project or mission with a checklist that includes “backup underwear”.
Romeo: I lost my cow
Juliet: wherefore art cow Romeo?
My kid wouldn’t eat it after he ordered it so I had to: A parents guide.
If the old Superman cartoon had been made today, the first guy who thought the thing up in the sky was a bird would have doubled down on his mistake.
“Oh sure, the mainstream media will tell you that Superman isn’t a bird, but I’ve done my own research…”
A lot of people don’t know this but if you’re turned into a vampire you don’t actually get a vampire name.
Some of you will just be Gary the Vampire
Moderation is good as long as you don’t overdo it.
Me: Why am I suddenly sick?
Friend: Probably the change in the Weather
[earlier]
Weather: *uncharacteristically puts poison in my coffee*
She hadn’t made a milkshake in years for fear that they would return.
She starts the blender reluctantly.
In the distance, screams.
The boys had returned. They were coming to her yard.
Date: “You’re very tall! Do you play basketball?”
Me: “You’re very fat. Are you a sumo wrestler?”
I’ve lost my voice, and I’ve gotta say, everyone at work seems pretty damn happy about it
People call me a “Trekkie” but I’m not, I’ve only seen Star Wars a couple of times
Wind chimes:
-loud
-only nice in theory
-secretly hated by allMe:
-wait
-oh no i’m wind chimes
I make all guests at my house leave their phones at the door just because I know they’ll leave quicker that way.
“This is a terrible wine tasting event. ” – me at church.
I cough whenever I answer the phone so people know not to invite me to anything.
*drives Toyota Corolla into Mordor*
“See, nobody suspected a thing”
So funny how “go to sleep” and “do parkour” sound exactly the same to kids.
I’m at my sexiest when I choke on rice and a piece gets lodged at the back of my nose and I’m snorting and sniffing and blowing to try and dislodge it.
When my wife came home I hid under a blanket and my quick thinking 5yo said to her “That’s not daddy under the blanket. That’s just a big lump.”