Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Bartender: “I see your glass is empty. Would you like another?”

Me: “What on earth would I do with 2 empty glasses?”

My uncle was found dead in his office last night by cleaning staff. I’m glad because he wore Crocs to my wedding in 2006.

[7 peaking around kitchen looking at stuff]

Me: What’s the matter, what are you looking for?

7: Can you keep it down, you’re cooking too loud and I can’t hear the TV

behind every “do what you want” is a secret “if you dare”

Someone once decided that if you wanted a quick wedding, it should be officiated by an Elvis impersonator

THAT is an influencer

I’m just a mom, standing in front of her child, trying to convince them to go to the activity they convinced me to sign them up for.

My grandma had a lock installed on her medicine cabinet poor thing no one’s ever going to visit her again

When my 2 cats enter the living room at the same time I assume they’re about to tell us they’re getting divorced

There’s absolutely no way Lady Gaga was born with half an Office Depot hot-glued to her head.

Buying a bag of spinach is ignoring it for four days and then having to put 2 fistfuls into everything to use it before it goes bad

Me [coming in from walking the dog]: It’s raining bring your umbrella to the bus stop.
Child: It’s not raining.
Me: Um, yes. I was just outside.
Child: I’M LOOKING outside and it’s not raining.
Me: omg fine.
Child: [leaves]
…
…
…
Child [coming back in]: I need my umbrella.

I really don’t like the person I become when a password expires

Because of aquariums I thought I loved marine biology but it turns out I just really like the idea of fish prison.

Can anyone recommend some good beginner crimes to try out if I’m just getting interested in crime

I hate when someone throws shade at me, and then I have to drag out my axe and chop down the whole tree and let it fall on them.

Timber, dipshit.

Good Cop: We want to help you. Just tell us who was with you on the night of August the 15th.
Bae Cop: My parents aren’t home. Come over.

Alexa: remind me to feed the baby

Me munching on an apple: Why is it every time I go to the theater I get stuck behind the lady with the fruit hat?

Sorry about that time I gave you advice that would have made your life ten times better. Good thing you chose to completely ignore it. Phew.

“Oh hell yes” – Schrödinger, reading the first line of A Tale of Two Cities

Dog: [with a ball] throw this

Human: ok

Dog: but don’t take it out of my mouth

Human: what

Harry Potter at an interview

Interviewer: It says here you defeated Lord Voldemort when you were 17 years-old.
Harry: That’s correct, sir.
Interviewer: But no experience with Excel. Wow.

My yoga teacher was sent to prison for fraud.

He did a 3 year stretch.

😂

I never feel more betrayed than when my hair won’t cooperate because it’s too clean

A man at a cemetery for Titanic victims claims to have taken a photo of a ghost. The ghost reportedly said “there was room for two people.”

All we do is support you, all you ever do is complain about us!

-if bras could talk

My 5yo is insisting weasels aren’t real and that I’m the one who told him that, and I did not know I was going to have defend myself like this before coffee

Them: you can’t handle this d…

Me: