“IF THE EASTER BUNNY HAD TIME TO HIDE ALL THESE EGGS AROUND THE HOUSE, IT SURE AS HELL HAD TIME TO DO A COUPLE OF LOADS OF LAUNDRY”
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You know those books that sit there unread on your night stand? Take them with you on vacation so they can remain unread in a sunny locale.
When you look up from your phone only to realize that the woman at the grocery store you’ve been following is not your wife.
Cw: Ignorance is bliss
Me: Explains why you’re so happy
HR: It’s good to see you again
If Elsa could bring snow to life why didn’t she make herself some pets? I’d have like 50 snowcats by now.
Reasons I wish I was an octopus:
1. I could hold every slice of a pizza.
2. 8 votes at the PTA meeting.
3. Stop sign hugs.
Idea: Eels. Exactly the same storyline as Cats but they’re all eels.
My mom is on a road trip to Amish Country with some of my aunts.
Please help me, she’s buying me and my wife gifts.
You say your baby is 13 months? I hate to break it to you, but there are only 12 months. Your baby is lying to you
Please be aware that excessive smoke from your barbecue may cause your neighbour to throw snails into your garden every night for the next six months.
Is it just me or are the puzzles on The Guardian website really easy?
Raccoons use their hands more than any animal, so they’re basically the Italians of nature.
Guys, I need help with a good recipe that will make my guests never come visit again.
I’m tired of being told to remove my card rapidly. Starting a new ATM for people who wanna remove their card at a more chill pace
Why are bridges so flammable.
Me: Please stop asking me a question every five seconds. I just want to sit on this couch and rest.
Therapist: Umm…you do know where you are, right?
Me: AGAIN with the questions!!
If anyone ever needs you to explain the difference between Americans and Brits, just send them this.
one time when i was like 20 one of my best friends said he liked his name because of how unique it was. his name is jason
Looking at the smoldering corpses of his enemies, Harry Potter thought “damn magic is dope as hell.” #LastLinesFromGreatBooks
he literally just said, “everyone’s saying i won the debate.”
is it possible…hear me out…trump has an imaginary friend named Everyone?
moms will remember every detail of your high school friend but never their name. “Who was your friend from high school who worked at the sub shop on Thursdays and she had brown hair with caramel highlights and she tripped during prom photos and she had two tiny moles on her neck”
The more I insisted marshmallows were vegetables, the angrier my doctor got.
Someone asked me what I was doing this weekend and I panicked at the thought of making plans so I said I was doing my taxes
My mom when I was a kid:
“Never talk to strangers.”
“Never get in their cars.”
Me to my future kids:
“Here’s how to order an Uber.”
You can’t even be mad at the dog for this. You just have to be impressed.
Guy about to invent archery: I want to stab that guy over there but I don’t want to walk.
Me: [trying to act normal]
Nearby Person: hey man are you ok
Everyone thought you could get a writing job from twitter but that never happens anymore its only for things like becoming the president
what’s wrong, babe, you’ve hardly played your juitar
My neighbour was rushed to hospital today after a wasp landed on his face. It didn’t sting him, luckily I got it first with my shovel.
Back seat drivers are all the same..
“Why we going into the woods?” “Let me out”