Me growing up in the countryside with a car: “it’s literally insane that I have to drive 20 minutes to see a friend. I can’t wait to move to a city”
Me in a city: “okay, 78 minutes on three trains to see someone who lives 6 miles away, that seems fine”
“IF THE EASTER BUNNY HAD TIME TO HIDE ALL THESE EGGS AROUND THE HOUSE, IT SURE AS HELL HAD TIME TO DO A COUPLE OF LOADS OF LAUNDRY”
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The best misheard song lyric ever is “Hit me with your pet shark”.
I will hear no other opinions on this matter.
My house looks like I’m losing a game of Jumanji.
Lately I’ve been really honest with people and so far only 47 people are mad at me
me: the apple never falls far from the tree
friend: is that why its floating
me: yeah gravity is hella weird here
I haven’t been invited to my family’s Thanksgiving dinner since 12 years ago when I put pepper on my mom’s mashed potatoes without trying them first.
Interview Tip #17
be polite and maintain eye contact
Me: *staring intensely* yes please
Moses: Yo, I think you typo’d this tablet, “Thou shall not Bill”?
God: Frig sakes.
Moses: Lol. Still want me to read it?
Who called it baking and not making love
*Attempts to give a Homeless guy change*
Him: Thanks. You never know, one day my situation might be you.
Me: Really? *holds on to change*