“IF THE EASTER BUNNY HAD TIME TO HIDE ALL THESE EGGS AROUND THE HOUSE, IT SURE AS HELL HAD TIME TO DO A COUPLE OF LOADS OF LAUNDRY”
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You know that episode of Friends where Joey tries to speak French? That’s what I hear when watching the State of the Union Address
When a cop pulls you over for a DUI at 2am on Friday night & tells you to walk the line-it’s never good to start singing Johnny Cash songs.
Ahhh…….I love the sounds of autumn; that old familiar crunch of Halloween candy wrappers on the floor.
A guy asked me out!
Well, a guy asked me if I was going to be the same place he is.FINE, my boss called to see if I was coming to work.
I know somewhere my dead mother is looking at the news and shaking her head and trying to say to me You’re going to regret throwing those plastic bags and old rubber bands away.
I just asked my boyfriend does he think I’m loud. His response “Well it’s very easy to hear you…”
???????????????????????
Exes really text you out of nowhere like bro didn’t you cheat on me
My fitness instructer keeps asking if I squat.
No Gary..I rent. I’m not a hobo.
Increase your odds of your pickup lines working by adding “and there’s pizza” at the end.
Just saw a woman in Starbucks who was 10% scarf and like 90% boot.
Prof asked if anyone liked comic books. I raised my hand. She didnt add anything or say why it mattered. Just wanted to isolate me socially.
I don’t care if you used to be the village bicycle…
All that matters is that you’re my bicycle now.
~inspirational tweet
lmao babies are so bad at tic-tac-toe I win every time
Finally
I love books.
How they smell, how they feel, the sound of the pages being ruffled.
Except when I’m moving to a new place.
Then I hate books.
I wish I was dumb as hell and illiterate every time I move.
Your gene pool should be drained, the area bleached & the ground burned & salted. But other than that you seem like a great person.
Me, at concert: [ironically] Freebird!
Band: *plays Freebird*
Me: Well that backfired.
Just realized the Master Card logo is a Venn diagram.
*opens dating site account* prepare to be dated you pieces of shit
just once i’d like to lay in bed nude and drink a cup of tea without an art class trying to paint my portrait
Witness protection program or abducted by aliens? I wanna get this breakup text just right
Autocorrect changed “you flatter me” to “you flatten me” and shit just got really weird.
My dad overheard a conversation at Thanksgiving about the show The Last of Us and wanted to binge it before Christmas, but he accidentally watched This Is Us instead and his texts to the group chat about “where are the zombies” are insane
Employer: i am sorry. we will not be hiring you.
Me: i understand completely. you won’t be disappointed.
You scream, we all scream, I apologize for entering the womens bathroom.
Doritos has a new snack called “Taco Explosion” so I’m suing Frito Lay for stealing my term for what occurs an hour after eating Taco Bell.
I’ve been putting my sunglasses on and walking away from things in slow motion all day, nothing has exploded yet.
“Spring is in the air” I proclaim as I hurl a Slinky at your head.
no refunds