Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

“Let me slip into something more comfortable”, I say with a wink then come back in twice as much clothing as before

hard to imagine a more embarrassing death than being beaten with a candlestick in a library by someone named colonel mustard

We’d never met, or even spoken, but I could tell just from gazing into her pale blue eyes I had stepped on her toe.

I still can’t find a place with an alligator infested moat for under $2k/month, but I’m hopeful.

Boyfriend: isn’t this romantic watching the sunset?

Me: ugh, no. I’ve seen this one before

I own a lot of Nike shirts for a guy who just bought a movie on iTunes so he wouldn’t have to get up and get the DVD from the other room.

Found 78 cents in the dryer this morning & all I’ve got to say is this family is not making it worth my while.

*Dabs maple syrup on wrists and behind my ears

‘Sup.

Shakespeare: ugh! I do no want to people today

Bee: that’s funny. It doesn’t even occur to me whether or not I want to bee

Shakespeare: *discreetly taking notes

[Outside ER]

Cop: “Sir, can you describe the vehicle that struck you?”

Me: “Absolutely. It was some kind of horseless carriage. A roaring metallic dragon with wheels instead of legs, with bright skin shimmering in the sunlight, passing foul vapors out its rear.”

Missed my workout yesterday which makes it four years in a row

“Turtle Power” is not an appropriate response when HR asks you how you plan to meet your objectives this year. Apparently.

god: i need you to get me some teeth

fairy: what

god: from children

fairy: WHAT

god: ok fine pay them

I just wanna borrow one of your kidneys. Just for like a sec.

It’s October which means it’s basically Halloween which means Thanksgiving is right around the corner which means it’s pretty much Christmas so Happy New Year everyone.

Drug commercial…Don’t take this medication if you are allergic to this medication.

Oh, ok. That’s super helpful, thank you.

Me: I’m completely lost. What’s going on in this movie?

Him: Lin, I just hit play 90 seconds ago.

Me: Wow! New record.

my bf dealing with his cats is so funny… they just started fighting and i heard him go “stop it! Did you really think that would solve the conflict?!” Like i bet they were so embarrassed

Don’t compare yourself to other people but if you must, compare yourself to someone objectively worse.

ok but this should absolutely be the only acceptable method now

Smokey: “Only you can prevent forest fires”
Me: HOLY SHIT A TALKING BEAR

Not to brag but my boss gave me a certificate of achievement and he said it’s much more prestigious than a pay raise.

pep talk

My kids didn’t follow me into the bathroom so now I’m scared to leave and find out what they got into instead

the prime minister is a minister that is not divisible by any other minister

feeling sad today. can everyone please send cute pictures of their credit card, front and back?

*chugging, distorted guitars, aggressive precision drumming*

Me: *wearing a bloody pig face and growling like a demon* One cannot step twice in the same river. I think therefore I am. Entities should not be multiplied unnecessarily.

Depth Metal

Colleague: Quick, the boss is on her way!
Me: That’s weird I swear that I didn’t hear her broomstick!

Call all your previous ones relationsinks.