“IF THE EASTER BUNNY HAD TIME TO HIDE ALL THESE EGGS AROUND THE HOUSE, IT SURE AS HELL HAD TIME TO DO A COUPLE OF LOADS OF LAUNDRY”
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It’s a plant shaped like an egg.
EGGPLANT!
It’s a place where we make fire.
FIREPLACE!
Diving in the sky.
SKYDIVING!Humans are creative.
Hell yeah I wanna save a draft of that unaddressed email with nothing in the body.
shout “out” to people who stick around too long at your house
[at an indian restaurant]
me: they’re well known for their gooey naan.
her: what’s gooey naan?
me: nothing much what’s goin’ on with you?
Honey, I’m afraid we can’t get married anymore. weed_hitler69 just told me I was gay.
*looks at Xbox*
Thank you sir. You’ve changed my life.
An old boyfriend hearted my picture on Facebook instead of just liking it, so I was wondering what we should name our kids.
“My first wife didn’t have a gag reflex”
Wow that’s amazing
“Yeah she never laughed at any of my jokes”
Welcome to Backhanded Compliment Club, it’s so nice to meet people who don’t care how they look
If I could have dinner with anyone, alive or dead, I’d want to know who’s paying.
As the wounded oyster mends it shell with pearl, so shall I mend my wounded ego with my signature homemade potato salad
*bangs gavel*
wife: who???
Me: I’m never getting married again no matter what anybody says.
Her: I made us cheeseburgers.
Me: uh oh.
‘To do’ list:
1. grocery shopping
2. pay the rent
3. post grandma’s birthday card
4. try not to kill anyone with my death stare
5. laundry
The reason fish come wrapped in newspaper is because the easiest way to catch them is to sneak up on them when they’re reading.
When I’m in an elevator with a stranger I generally hold their hand to let them know that they’re safe
How long can a guy stare at you at the urinal before things get creepy…because it’s been two minutes and this dude refuses to make eye contact with me.
superman: hey can i borrow your ladder? i need to replace one of the lightbulbs on my kitchen ceiling
batman: dude, you can fly…
superman: oh yeah, good point. i can just fly to home depot and buy a ladder
batman: what
They say to avoid things that excite you when it’s time to sleep, but what’s more exciting than getting to sleep?
-Someone keeps phoning up pretending to be my grandmother. It’s a prank, I don’t know what else to call it.
-Shenanigan?
-Don’t you start.
[Alien Vs Predator]
alien: feeling pretty unwelcome in this country lately
predator: oh man look at those cute kids over there
“It’s not you, it’s meat” – vegan break up
Becoming a dad turned me into an environmentalist. All I do now is turn off lights and yell at people who waste energy.
I’m so unpopular at school they call me “Batteries”.
I’m never included in anything.
me: *dies*
death: welcome to the afterlife
me: how do I get to heaven?
death: *points* go up those stairs
me: what about hell?
death: *points* go down those stairs
me: and limbo?
death: *points* just duck under that bar
I asked my kids to stop fighting while I was on a work call and my daughter walked over and closed the door to the room I was sitting in.
Compromise.
I would watch the Bachelor if everyone who doesn’t get a rose gets thrown into a volcano
[animal meeting at the zoo]
Lion: you’re late. We said meet at sunset
Giraffe: I can still see the sun you fucken midget
Golf Tip: Be sure and yell “FORE” before throwing your golf club at a jogger.
Remember, kids: If a 200-year old vampire fucks a teenager, it’s “romantic,” but if a 45-year old Muppet fucks a teenager, it’s “creepy.”
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