If the emoji I wanna text is not in the “recently used,” you may have to wait 3 days till I find it.
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gf: you should learn from your mistakes
me: ok! so teach me
Husband: Wow! The house looks amazing. We should invite ppl over more often so you keep it this clean.
I’m going to need help writing his obituary.
Why do I never crave carrots or broccoli at midnight? Why is it always some unhealthy shit like Taco Bell or pizza?
[outside a blazing house]
Firefighter: …
Me: …
Firefighter: …
Me: … There was a spider.
me: an artist’s work is never truly appreciated until after their death.
subway sandwich artist: please, sir, i have a family.
My 4yo just saw two people french kissing on TV and asked me why they were “eating each other,” so I’m open to suggestions here.
I picked up & ate a huge piece of baklava at a coffee shop while standing at the register because I thought they were free samples. I chowed down on that thing in silence while the cashier just stared at me.
Fights fire with marshmallows
Tom Holland’s nemesis is Jerry Amsterdam
Ladies, don’t date hungry guys…they’re just trying to get into your pantries.
*walking my 5 year old back from the bathroom
Lady: Your grand daughter is so cute
Me: She’s my…. Thank you
genie: wishes should be limited
monkeys paw: and come with consequences
shooting star: don’t forget rare
birthday candle: yeah and secret
dandelion: ok you guys need to relax
I just ate what I thought was a feta cheese crumble from my salad off my shirt. Turns out it was deodorant. So how’s your day going?
I’ve never tried cracking a safe but I did open the fridge door once without waking my dog.
“can’t you take a hint?” bro I don’t even understand literal stuff
“First off I want to wish my opponent the best of luck and oh god. OH GOD NO” – presidential candidate accidentally using their 3rd wish
“Have you forgotten your password?”
Fish: 😔
Me when I’m high: I’ll take seven burritos.
Me when I’m not high: I’ll take seven burritos.
Please remind your boss & Aunt Linda that I’ve trademarked the phrase “in these uncertain times” and they each owe me 50 bucks.
The real miracle is how Jesus managed to book a table for twenty-six people on the night before the Easter holiday, and then only half them showed up.
I have a Russian friend who’s a sound technician.
And a Czech one too.
Jesus: Honor my sacrifice by refusing meat on all holy days and each Friday.
John the fisherman: *slides Jesus $20*
Jesus: Also, Fish isn’t meat.
[filling out job application]
Race: Barbarian
I made some fish tacos today…
But they just ignored them and swam away…
First date idea: I lean in close and surprise you with a wet willy.
rest in peace, 2023.
2023-2023
What light through yonder window breaks…
Oh, wow, the sun really shows up how dirty the glass is!
Got banned from helping my granddaughter write sentences with spelling words. Apparently third graders can’t write about tequila.
friend: you should name your plants
me: why
friend: it’s just a cute thing people do
me: oh ok. *pointing to rose bush* this is Lily
friend: wait
me: *pointing to lily* this is Iris
friend: no—
me: *pointing to Iris* this is Rosemary
friend: I hate you