If the emoji I wanna text is not in the “recently used,” you may have to wait 3 days till I find it.
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Dance like you’re not the father
you got a fast car
I got a plan to jump in front of it
My dog eats too much food and throws it up. EVERYDAY. I swear to God if she keeps this up, she’s going to look amazing.
[First Date]
Me: Mom said be wary of a full moon.
Moon: That’s no excuse for eating my food.
brent use the shallow end
why
you’re not a strong swimmer
I am so *jumps*
[doesnt surface because I have $1.75 worth of change in my pocket]
Wait, you actually took my advice?! You poor poor thing.
[watching This Is Us]
*leaning over to partner*
Me: That is them.
Daughter: Why don’t kids at school get my sarcastic humor?
Me: Because they have boring parents, darling.
I make up for those people who jog in place at red lights by eating snacks while lying down in bed.
My 10YO was trying to play her recorder louder than my 6YO was screeching at her to stop playing the recorder.
My 8YO: So, mom, who would you say is your favorite kid?
Social media is proof that even when you fire your gun in the air, someone will pretend one of those bullets hit them.
Losing weight in your 40’s: hahahahahahahahaha
Something our American friends may not know about us Canadians: all 38 million of us know each other
[blind date]
OK don’t let her know you’re a remote control“Your eyes are beau-
*sinks into seat crevice, lost for weeks*DAMMIT NOT AGAIN
i wanna see the masterchef jr deleted scenes that HAVE to exist of gordon ramsay calling a kid the c-word for trying to julienne a snickers
It’s all fun and games until you swallow the keys to the handcuffs.
I texted my husband about all the sex I’m expecting for my birthday and accidentally sent it to my MIL. She just responded that she’s already made other plans that day.
Front page of cnn.com features “Cats that look like Hitler”. Just not enough other important stuff happening in the world, I guess.
why was 6 mad when 7 won her a stuffed elephant? because 7 1 1 4 9 2
What’s the etiquette for showing up to a party you weren’t invited to? Should I bring dip or??
“Did you remember to take the dog out?”
Ah crap, I forgot
[Dog storms in] I sat at the restaurant for HOURS
Somehow this viral tweet from my old account is even more relevant now than when I posted it nearly 3 years ago
My husband was upset that the baby spit up on his “nice clothes”.
I’m not sure if I’m more confused by my husband thinking he has “nice clothes” or that he doesn’t understand what a washing machine does.
If pain is fear leaving the body, what gets the stupid out?
If I were a Scooby Doo villain, I’d take the whole thing to court. How hard can it be to overturn the testimony of 4 kids who talk to a dog?
“I am out of the office. If you need immediate help please contact customer service.”
“Dude this isn’t email I’m standing in front of you.”
Superhero Origins
Spider-Man: bit by radioactive spider
Iron Man: bit by radioactive iron
Hawkeye: bit by radioactive hawk right in the eye
BOSS: This is my second wife.
ME: Concurrent or consecutive?
If dolphins are so smart, how come they work at Sea World?
Her)What that mouth do?
Me)Usually get me in trouble