Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I used to be one of these chefs who always swore and shouted until I discovered oven mitts.

#ChefDay #RubbishJokes

Women! You will no doubt have been gifted, over the years, approximately 15,000 gift soaps as panic-buy last-minute presents over the years.

Guilt will have compelled you to keep them all, rendering one drawer an overwhelming grotto of bergamot and lavender. Now is your moment.

If I had laser hair I would never get that shit removed.

I’m buying more booze than ever these days. Wonder if I need an intervention. I’d hate to become a shopaholic.

I have the grace of a baby giraffe on a bicycle.

I’m having trouble perfecting my dating profile

My husband isn’t helping with the wording as much as I’d hoped

I block people for being stupid.

…I block a lot of people.

I painted a hot chick with big jugs

A man 20 years my junior just stepped right in front of me without saying excuse me. So I tripped him and he fell down the stairs. I asked him if he was okay because I have manners.

Octopus – 8 arms
“Yes”
Octagon – 8 sides
“Yes”
Octuplets – 8 babies
“Yes”
October – 8th month
“No”
I’m burning this world down

Cop: can I see some id

Me: *gives him a napkin* keep the change

Cop: are you high

Me: yes sir

Son: Smell me. Do you think I should shower?

Me: Yes.

Son: But you didn’t smell me.

Me: Yes.

Sometimes I rock it as a parent, other times I drop my phone on my sleeping child’s face while taking a picture of them. It’s called balance

If you don’t have any friends who have covid right now you’re blessed or you probably don’t have friends

“I really wish I could squeeze that piano over and over” – guy who invented the accordion

hate when i type some normal shit like “i’m walking the dog” and my phone is like “did you mean: i’m🚶‍♂️the 🐶?” no i did not mean that because i am not the zodiac killer.

You said clothes were 50% off

But not one woman in here is topless

That false advertising!

the thing about the weather getting colder is that it makes you think you want to date someone when what you want is heavy socks

*at skatepark with my 7yr old nephew*
Random Mom: Cute kid!
Me: Oh thank u so much
Random Mom: Who’s the dad?
Me: My brother
Random Mom: *weird look*

*hours later*
Me: oh SHIT

me: i have good and bad news

her: bad first

me: there’s a dead body in the woods near the train tracks

her: what’s the good news

me: i found waldo

Mosquitoes:

Noah: *eyes narrow*

One time i watched a movie where al pacino played a cop & then i watched another one where he was a real estate salesman & then another one where he was a union leader & i was all, like, “haha, can this guy NOT hold down a job?”

[at the altar]
*leans in for a kiss*

Priest: the bride, sir

Me: *standing on the subway platform*

Subway employee: “Sir, your feet are in the salami.”

Look lady, I’m sure your Onlyfans is nice but let’s wait until this funeral is over to talk about it.

snakes on a plane sequels:
– snakes on a plane yes, again somehow
– penguins on a pirate ship
– dogs on parole
– horses in a bad mood

When I was younger I was into athletics. I miss the guys from the 4x400m relay team. We ran in the same circles.

The person opposite me has a donut. I do not have a donut. That should be my donut. This person is now my arch nemesis.