Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

The hotel bartender said I couldn’t take my drink back to my room so I said, “But what if you just…let me?” and he didn’t have a real answer to that, so I’m in bed with my drink now.

ME: Hi, I have a 3 o’clock

RECEPTIONIST: Can I take your name?

ME: No. I need it for work

Day two of homeschooling.

I am leaving my student to fend for herself, so I may hunt for essentials. Like more wine.

Don’t ever ask a burrito if you should eat it, it will always say no, because burritos are really smart.

If you burned CDs for the car so your original copies wouldn’t get scratched, it’s time to schedule your colonoscopy.

the only career advice i have is make every decision that moves you closer to not having to be on linkedin

Netflix: are you still watching?

Me: *is asleep

Netflix: why are you like this

DRIVING CLASS: 10 and 2

REAL LIFE: 7 and french fries

I’ve seen people tear a phone book in half with their bare hands & I just had to use scissors to open a bagged salad.

My ‘Mom Voice’ was so loud even the neighbors washed their hands and cleaned their rooms.

*Becomes a black hole*

*Only absorbs corndogs*

Have fun, but be careful. Your sister was vacuumed up last week, and yesterday your cousin was killed with a shoe.

– spider moms, probably

Me: you’re mad at me about what happened earlier aren’t you?
Arresting officer: little bit

10yo: (screaming) MOM, COME HERE RIGHT NOW!!

Me: Okay, Okay!

*steps on lego*

*stubs toe on fallen over chair*

*falls over laundry basket*

*slip-and-slides across spilt water*

*arrives at 10yo*

10yo: Never mind. I figured it out.

If I liked one of your pics from 12 weeks ago, doesn’t mean I’m stalking you…It just means you haven’t looked nice in awhile

Everyone is exhausted by the pandemic, except my neighbor’s dog who has been barking non-stop since 2016.

Sorry boss, I set my alarm for 7PM instead of 7AM and that’s why I haven’t been at work in six years.

I wear my 5k tshirt as proof of the day I exercised

Computer: Are you sure you want to trust this printer?
Printer: *shifty eyes*

I’m calling the cops.

[a trampoline that allows me to get from the couch to the fridge in one bounce]

“Is that a dead body?” I heard a young child ask her mom as they passed me by. So, yeah, skiing is going pretty well.

Teens today stuck inside all day long playing video games.

In my day, we spent all day outside smoking hash oil & cigarettes with friends.

[on a date]
Me: so how bout *seductively takes a bite of an orange* we go to my place
Date: you’re supposed to peel that first

barber: your hair is so dry

pavlov: i forgot to condition it

Nearly choked on a carrot and a donut would never do that to me.

I could never do time in prison – The handshakes are way too complicated.

Doctors, soldiers, firefighters. These are all respected positions. But the position I respect most as a parent

Is a driver’s Ed instructor

Cliff diving? No thanks. I get all of my near death thrills by rolling my eyes when my wife asks me to move my feet while she vacuums.