My kid: No, I have no idea where I left the remote 37 seconds ago.
Also my kid: Remember that time last year when you promised to take me to the playground but it rained, so we didn’t go because you never let me do anything?
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i can sleep well tonight knowing my “local 4 news” is “fighting for me” & “getting answers” especially that new weather guy
M. Night Shyamalan showed me his new screenplay where the coronavirus turns out to be Bruce Willis this whole time.
Him: Do you swallow?
Me: Every time I chew.
It’s great that interstates have rest areas. But things like Wednesdays really need rest areas too.
[steps off treadmill]
“Hey girl [out of breath, hands on knee] you like f-fitness? Cos I’m fitn–”
“Shall I call an ambulance?”
“Please.”
I accidentally discovered how to cook the perfect amount of pasta and had to sign a confidentiality agreement with Italy
People who don’t like pickles are so important because they give me their pickles
If I was president I would put Netflix, Hulu, Prime, HBO, and every other streaming service in a room together and make them collectively decide how loud each volume number is
I never thought geometry would be any use to me in the real world, but look at me now, one more game of beer pong to win back my house.
I hate it when people that don’t have kids try to give u advice. I think by now I know how much pot my kids can handle, thank you very much.
Using the phrase “what doesn’t kill you makes you stronger,” only shows that you’re unoriginal and know nothing about spinal cord injuries.
I just overheard some passing 8-year-old announce that after only two days of school he has already found a girlfriend, and now I have to unpack the fact that I don’t date at even a third-grade level.
[lying in front of the fire]
11: Do you think she’s asleep or dead?
9: *throws toy, 2 massive dogs pounce on me*
Me: *screams*
9: Asleep
Don’t you hate when people add “qualifiers” to compliments like, “you look good for having had kids or “you look good for being 50 yrs old” or my all time favorite “you look good for having been hit by a bus after being struck by lightning when that fuselage fell on your head.”
Any salad can be a Caesar salad if you stab it enough
The year is 2035.
The only movies are superhero reboots.
Anyone caught looking up from their phone is fined $100.
Son: “Mommy, look, this is how you draw infinity!”
Me: “Yes, sweetie, that’s so smart!”
Son: “It looks like a hiney.”
Wonder Woman: we need more warriors, have you sent in the reinforcements yet?
Amazon Customer Service: …what
[montage of me giving-up]
A Slinky is a great way to teach young children that it’s fun to push things down the stairs.
angel: where’d all the zebras go?
God: I put ’em in the desert
angel: dude their camouflage was for the snow
God: I know lol
DOCTOR: I’m afraid I have bad news
ME: can you tell me what it is
DOCTOR: no I’m still too scared
Me: You’re NEVER supportive of my goals and accomplishments.
Police: Because you keep killing people
Me: I love Bowl Season
Them: yeah, football every day for a month!
Me: *surrounded by 47 bowls of snack foods* huh?
If you can make dinosaurs out of a mosquito in amber and some frogs you can probably also make dinosaurs that don’t want to escape and murder everyone feels like maybe Jurassic Park should have workshopped this more.
I assume people who don’t hate people also don’t drive.
If I had a time machine I’d destroy the invention of autotune and say “good luck being famous now you talentless brats!”
I’m for traditional marriage, mostly because I want to know how many goats I’m worth.
People mock Snapchat, but I spent the first 36 yrs of my life wondering how my friends would look as rainbow alien puppies AND NOW I KNOW.