Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

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The opposite of ‘taking candy from a baby’ is ‘putting sunscreen on a toddler’.

*pokes head out of dressing room*

uh yeah, i can’t find a single bottle of ranch in here

I told my 5 year old my birthday was coming up and he asked if we were going to have pizza and a bounce house and now I’m wondering why the hell I’m not.

me putting things at the top of cabinet is top tier self hatred

My husband asked what I was doing and my phone changed tweeting to twerking and now he has questions.

He asked me how I got this scar on my leg and I didn’t want to tell him I stabbed myself so I told him a shark bit me

A hot guy at my job asked me if I had any plans and I told him 15 because I thought he said plants

Just saw a grasshopper jump on cement.

THEY’RE EVOLVING.

DOCTOR: We were all out of blood for your transfusion so we used Mountain Dew
ME: [I don’t hear bc I already snowboarded out the window]

Everyone: We’re concerned about you.

Me: *snorting crushed up smarties off the back of a public toilet* why tho?

Me: and from this day I vow never to rest until vengeance is paid and justice pours down like the blood of our enemies

Priest: uh— th—the bride has also written her vows

[at Starbucks]

ME: One large starbuck please.

BARISTA: Sir, that’s not even a-

ME: Sorry, one venti starbuck please.

cool knife. it would look even cooler on my bedroom floor

Real life dad college courses
Garage law
Power nap philosophy
Nosy neighbor studies
Barbecue physics
Zipper theory of merging traffic
Thermostat dynamics

A good way to break up with a girl is to leave her a trail of rose petals starting from her front door to North Korea.

My husband knew I’d never wear slippers because that’s where spiders lay their eggs and he still married me so I think that makes him the weirdo

Just accidentally spilled my cat’s food all over the floor and his reaction was…. a lot 😂

Guy on Tinder: I speak 12 languages
Me:
Guy on Tinder: I made my niece a yacht out of chewing gum, balsa wood, and macaroni
Me: *plays the kazoo perfectly with my left nostril

me: the human body is an imperfect vessel
me after watching olympic gymnastics: okay maybe just my body

I like my coffee like my men…not in my colon…

Ugh I hate being a celeb my fans are always asking me “when is your next rent check going to drop?” & “when can we expect you to pay us back for covering your rent last month?” It’s like respect my privacy please.

Take me with you! I shout to every airplane that flies over my house.

I refuse to have sex with a condom. Last time I had sex with a condom, the condom never called me again.

Her: Are you even capable of love?

Me: I’m pretty sure I love pancakes.

everyone is motivated by something different. for some folks it’s money, for others it’s a paycheck. some people are even motivated by cash hitting their bank account. others do it for the love of getting paid.

Moses: 🎶gimme one margarita imma open the sea, gimme two margaritas imma set my people free🎶

His people: ugh ya can you get off TikTok? We’re literally being chased

Airlines: Your ticket is $300. Oh, you would like to bring clothes with you? How extravagant! That will be an additional $50.

Today I learned just how long ten minutes are by doing an ab workout.

I like my women with curves.

Those skinny ones are alway mad cause they’re hungry.