Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

The Never Ending Story should’ve been a movie about a phone call from my Mother

Guy walking in on me in the bathroom

Me: Excuse me. I’m on the phone.

I’m at that age where I can no longer refer to other people as “elderly.”

If the Earth was really flat, all the cats would have pushed everything off it by now.

A t-shirt gun outfitted for Costco hotdogs.

Adulthood is almost as fun as a piñata full of wasps

(God Creating Vegetables)
GOD: What if we made fruit gross?

our love story in four pictures

A beautiful summer day, the knee hairs I missed the last 4 times shaving my legs blowing in the breeze from the car’s a/c vent.

Taking yesterday’s bad mood on a multi-day tour

I haven’t been to Target since February. I wonder how it’s even staying in business without me.

Mario: can I buy you a drink?

Peach: ew get a life

Mario: *eats mushroom* …now?

Never Never Never tell someone you are patient.

They will test you…

Child: I’m bored.
Me: Here’s a dime. Call someone who cares.
Child: What?
Me: When I was a kid that was an insult.
Child: Why?
Me: We had phones you had to put coins-
Child: Why wouldn’t you just text them for free?
Me: So we didn’t have textin-
Child: OMG HOW OLD ARE YOU

Kids be like “That is the funniest thing I’ve ever heard” and it’s just the word duty.

[speed dating]

Him: have you ever been married?

Me: just once… we had a beautiful ceremony in my parents yard with all my Barbie dolls in attendance but an hour later he went back to live with his mom

Him: lol aww you were 5?

Me: don’t be ridiculous *sips drink* I was 30

“I wouldn’t worry if I were you” – Translation: I’m not worried because I’m not you

HEY UNCLES – KEEP YOUR GODDAMN WIVES UNDER CONTROL

this job on linkedin didn’t even ask for a resume, it was just like do you have a website? what about an email? And then,

4-year-old: *finds Nerf gun* Dad, I’ll shoot you!

*tries*

4: I can’t get it. Can you shoot yourself?

She’s not the first to ask me that.

[zombie movie set]

Director into megaphone: “We’re about to start rolling. Look alive people!”

*actors look around confused as heck*

inventor of the sword: [watching a sword swallowing contest] oh no. no no no

date: i love that you know about plots of land

me: thanks that means a lot

Are we doing Secret Santa this year? Because I accidentally bought unsalted butter.

The only way I could enjoy a shower more is if my showerhead made a thunder sound when it came on so I could pretend I am a leafy head of lettuce in there

Just saw an advance screening of Age of Ultron. Spoiler alert: he’s 47

Me: maybe we should let it live

Captain Ahab: *turning harpoon on me* what?

Me: uh I-I just don’t think this obsession is worthwhale

Ahab: …ha

Me: haha

Ahab: hahaha worthWHALE oh jeez

Me: haha whew *realizing I’m bleeding* when did you shoot

Ahab: oh like immediately

ME: lately I feel lonely. like I’ve become untethered from the world

WOLF WHO IS WEARING MY FRIEND’S FACE AS A MASK: *understanding growl*

[ the manger ]

me: so what’s his name

mary: jesus christ

me: hey watch your language around the baby