Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

We have a fun thing at work where we hide things as a joke. For example, I just hid Nicole’s bowl of candy corn in the dumpster outside.

A burrito.. in a bowl? Sure that sounds great! And while you’re at it, why don’t you rip the blankets off me while I sleep, u piece of shit

If it hurts you more than it hurts them then you are holding the taser wrong

ME: [picking up the surprise cake for my wife] I guess you could say I’m bringing home the bakin lol

CASHIER: I just can’t believe someone married you.

Just got a call from the vet to schedule my dog for her shots. I asked for an estimate and they transferred me over to their lending department.

I can either cut my toe nails, or majestically swoop down and grab a salmon from a river.

Life doesn’t do much to prepare you for when a coworker gets bangs and asks what you think of her hair.

I’m scared of buying an iPhone X cos there’s a chance mine might get swapped with Brad Pitt’s and since we look 100% alike he can unlock it

In a post-apocalyptic world, I’d be the one to shave my head and charge toward you with a machete while screaming. You’ll think, is that a man or a woman? It won’t matter. Small-chested and bald, this is my time to shine now.

superman villains:

darkseid – galactic conqueror
doomsday – indestructible killing machine

batman villains:

the joker – tells little jokes
the riddler – poses little riddles
the penguin – is a penguin

I’m sorry, we can’t hire you. But your background check was hilarious.

harsh writing advice: you’re not a writer if you aren’t making up your own words. if you’re just taking preexisting words and mixing up the order to form sentences and stories? you’re a DJ

Genie: you still have 2 wishes left. you sure you don’t want to use them?

Me: [eating cheesecake] nope I’m good

Genie: alright then [disappears]

Me: [finishes cheesecake] oh no

What idiot called them ‘religious pamphlets’ and not ‘belieflets’?

Him at 1am: Wanna come over?

Me: Sure thing, sexy

-Cut to me crawling out of his TV like that girl in The Ring

My parents are pretty middle aged.
“So? That’s pretty norm-”
*two knights bust in*
“CHILD, DOST THOU REQUEST REFRESHMENTS FROM THE TAVERN?”

😂

I don’t think the church is going to let me pick music for the bible group again. In my defense, the band name “Lamb of God” is misleading.

“you should exercise for at least 30 minutes every day” ok and how much if you’re not trying to go to the olympics ?

BANK EMPLOYEE:
*chasing me*
sir! you can’t leave with that!
ME: *running w/ a pen w/ a chain still attached*
I BROUGHT IT WITH ME FROM HOME!

I was wondering how lightning worked, then it struck me.

Are you watching too much T.V but not doing enough reading? Turn your subtitles on. Boom, problem solved!

The tapeworm was replaced by the CD-worm and then eventually by the mp3-worm.

Don’t ask me how evolution works!

“Oh hell yes” – Schrödinger, reading the first line of A Tale of Two Cities

$20 to go through a corn maze? That’s $20 more than I expect to pay for a walk through vegetables.

Damn boy, are you leftover pizza in the fridge? Because I’ve been thinking about you all night…

Customer is always right

My dentist has decorated his office with pictures of teeth he has worked on, thank god my gynecologist doesn’t have the same decorator.