Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Practice good oral hygiene by wiping your mouth with toilet paper after talking shit

Brb my Sims are getting married

Things true crime has ruined for me: hiking, jogging, dating, marriage, lighting up a room.

“male healers in final fantasy games are weird it feels gay to be healed by a man”

folks are we gonna tell him about real life doctors or nah

“when we kissed, I saw fireworks” you mean the kiss was super boring despite also being incredibly loud and scaring the shit out of my dog?

me: ever heard of quasimodo

him: doesn’t ring a bell

me: i assure you he does

do beavers even know what they’re doing or do they just see water flowing down a river and think “absolutely not”

Just watched a dog chase its tail for 10 min., thought “damn so easily entertained” then realized I watched a dog chase his tail for 10 min.

Tracklist for Donda 2

1. I hate Pete Davidson.
2. Did I mention that I hate Pete Davidson.
3. Cancel Pete.
4. I hope Pete Davidson has a really awful day.
5. I still hate Pete Davidson.
6. Kim come back.
7. I really hate someone with the initials P.D

*leans in for a kiss*

DENTIST: stop that

If you unfollowed someone because you were pissed off at them but they apologize you should be able to refollow without them getting a notification and thus realizing that you unfollowed.

No reason

Sorry I said, “Whoa, hope he’s good at math.” when you showed me your kid’s finger painting.

how did this penguin get in my apartment??!?!

Reached a point in my life that I have no ‘bones to pick’ nor ‘axes to grind’. Most would call it forgiveness, I call it memory loss and it’s peaceful.

LUKE: any weekend plans?

OTHER JEDI: I’m probably gonna do yoga

LUKE: omg I have to warn him

20,000 Tons Of Pubic Hair Trimmed In Preparation For Valentine’s Day

You know it’s getting bad when the cat has had enough

Apparently, the sonogram machine is to see unborn babies in the womb

I thought it was for making you age 10 years. Instantly

Getting a dog will not solve all your emotional problems. For that you need four dogs.

My first landlord was murdered and my new landlord is potentially kicking us all out by selling my building…which is all incredibly stressful because there’s just no way I’m going to get away with it twice

I miss the days before the internet, when you didn’t know some person’s every awful thought until they died and you cleaned out their attic.

My wife is an economist and I am an engineer. I was watching my wife make her breakfast one morning, and noticed that she made way too many trips to get each of the items she needed. So I said in my best engineer voice, “Hey sweetheart, why don’t you utilize the load…

BF: Aren’t you ashamed?
ME: Because I complained to the manager about the wait at the restaurant?
BF: No
ME: Because I ate a large pizza?
BF: Because you ate someone else’s large pizza while we were waiting

My kid just told me I look so young from this angle. The angle being the back of my head.

Describe yourself in four bold words and two exclamation points
Me:

We can agree that making someone swear in for a job is stupid right? Like, “okay, you’re hired! But first you gotta pinky promise in front of EVERYONE that you’re not gonna suck at this”

Friend: Call me when you wake up

[3 days later]

Me: Okay I’m up!

While everyone is busy complaining about their tweets being stolen & put on Facebook, I’ve quietly become the funniest person on MySpace!

Just a reminder: 3-year-olds like to be given a choice! When you’re getting ready to go, ask them “would you like to wear sneakers or sandals?” so that they feel INCLUDED and EMPOWERED to scream at the top of their lungs that they want to wear their Mickey Mouse bedroom slippers

Happy Febuary everyone!