Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Him: Hey, we haven’t spoken in months!

Me *grabs his face* and now you’ve ruined it

Back in my day when we found a Pokémon we had to beat it to death with a rotary phone

Fridges are proof that it’s what’s inside that matters and not how you look like on the outside.

*runs 3 steps*

my heart: if u don’t stop i will

Nobody has ever partied as hard as skeletons in a cemetery in a 1930s cartoon. Using their heads as bongos. Doing cartwheels.. Letting one skelly use a broom to sweep them up into a big bone pile. The Euphoria kids could never

SOCK COP: i’ll ask you one last time, WHERE IS MY PARTNER?

DRYER: rot in hell, pig

“what the fuck could you possibly be doing on the roads at 3am on a monday morning” me, to other cars, while I am also on the roads at 3am on a monday morning

Interviewer: [looking through file] Are you still disruptive at nap time?

Me: Wow, they weren’t kidding about that permanent record thing.

Instead of just answering the phone when it rings, I prefer to wonder why the hell someone’s calling me and glare at it until it goes away.

*checks BMI chart*

*adds “get taller” to New Year’s resolutions*

I’m not climbing a hill if I’m dying. That sounds terrible. I’ll die on this chair. Drinking orange Fanta.

To everyone who received a file from me named myjunk.jpg: I thought I was sending you a photo of my garage sale. I am so, so sorry.

Science memes

I just spent the day painting our fence. All I know is tomorrow I better be able to do karate.

I stopped drinking water for a few days cause I was starting to think I was addicted. I just wanted to make sure I could pull back if I needed to.

ISSUE: is the road runner wile e coyote’s son
FOR: thhey, seem to respect each other, on some level
AGAINST: one of them is a dog

I’m scared some kid is going to break into my house and fleek me to death with a bae

Every commercial for every product should have a scientist looking into a microscope. That gives me the confidence to buy

I haven’t broken a mirror lately, but my water broke and I’ve had seven years of kids crawling into my bed

Me, a mature adult: hee hee that football announcer said “reach around and squeeze it from the back”.

I’m not saying it rains a lot in the UK, but I am amazed we don’t get more medieval-style terrified by the occasional snatched glimpses of a giant ball of fire in the sky.

i opened a savings account in 2008 with a $25 deposit. i’ve watched the money grow over the last decade, and though i’ve been tempted, i’ve left it alone. now i have $27.96, enough to retire on. take note.

before u buy that mascara online ask urself if u really want 2 new emails a day for the rest of ur life

If Socrates had been a woman, he would’ve said: All I know is that I have all these clothes, but I have nothing to wear.

Remember guys, it costs zero dollars to be annoying to strangers on the internet.

A real smart TV would increase the volume when you start eating chips.

You can only send, “I hope this email finds you in a pineapple under the sea” like 3, 4 times before they’ll fire you

My brother and dad have been arguing over a broken PS1 since February 2000. My brother said my dad broke it one night drunk. Truth is my mate broke it claiming he knew how to chip it and I’ve never told anyone. My mum is on my brother’s side. Comes up at least 5 times a year.

*alien tries to burst through chest
*years of fried foods have made my stomach walls unbreakable

Me: HAHA!

Alien: Laugh it up, now I have to go out the other way

Me: