If the first rule of fight club is not talking about fight club, how did fight club ever get off the ground?
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Everyone getting arrested and losing their job for storming the Capitol building are realizing why their grandparents wore hoods.
me: how much for the boquet of dogs
girl walking dogs: huh
me: *slipping her $5* how about now
Dear whatever doesn’t kill me. I’m strong enough now. Thanks.
Who called it a coma instead of a dream vacation?
Me: I’ve had a long day. Make it a double.
Nurse administering the Covid shot: What?
Bradley Cooper is saying it took him 6 years to learn to conduct a 6 minute piece of music. Buddy you have to say more. What’s 6 years? Every day? Once a week? Did you take a year off. Did you take 5 1/2 years off. What possibly could take 6 years please this is ruining my life
I was makin out with a cute girl but it got ruined when she ran her hand up my leg and squeezed all the spaghetti out of my pocket
Alright. Let’s cut the shit. Who harbinged this doom?
Act happy in the supermarket checkout line to contradict the sad story unfolding on the conveyor belt.
Thanks to daylight saving time, my kids now have an extra hour to fight with each other.
Can I put on a tinder account that I’ve never lost at Wordle, or is that too hot?
Protip: If friends ask you to watch their kids for them, answer with “sure, it’ll make a change from having to use binoculars” so they never ask again*.
*Even better tip: Don’t actually do that, though
I love to open my windows to let in the beautiful weather and so my neighbors can learn my kids’ middle names.
“Because I got high” is actually a song about pilots, who go to high altitudes in their planes every day, and have good reason for not doing all those things in the song.
Wrong answers only
Answer: Marriage
I once read the words “You have bewitched me body and soul” but your eggplant emoji is nice too.
I never feel more betrayed than when my hair won’t cooperate because it’s too clean
Me: Honey, I’m going on a burrito run, you want something:
Her: No, thanks I’m not hungry.
Me: *Buys her her own burrito cause I ain’t dumb*
“I’ll help you clean.” my toddler threatened
Child: What’s that?
Me: My high school senior photo.
Child: You were good looking.
Me: Thanks.
Child:
Me:
Child: What happened?
Tried to type “I’m on my way” and autocorrect changed it to “I’m in my way” and that is probably way more accurate.
FRIEND: what was the best day of ur life
WIFE: our wedding day
ME (thinking of the time the Coke machine gave me 2 cans instead of 1): same
I’ve accepted that I’ll probably never say “I’d love to” without sounding sarcastic.
I’ve been married for seven years and when we visit my mother-in-law she still types her wifi password in for me rather than share it.
Well well well… looks like someone put on some weight again.
~ my pants right now
wife: Can we get a kids menu?
waitress *brings one*
wife
me
wife
me [already doing the maze]
wife: Can we get 2 kids menus?
God: But if you use your sting you will die.
Bee: That will teach us not to abuse our power. How did the wasps take that news?
God: Err…
This Viagra show looks cool but they keep cutting away to football
A guy with a sense of humor that matches mine will always get my attention.
*Texts*
Can I come over bae?
I need you. <3*Gets reply text*
DUDE, STOP CALLING ME THAT. I’M YOUR DEALER NOT YOUR BAE. BRING CA$H!