If the first rule of fight club is not talking about fight club, how did fight club ever get off the ground?

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Sit next to stranger on park bench, hand over envelope with random person’s picture, whisper “It has to look like an accident”, walk away.


Call your teenage daughter by the dog’s name one time and she doesn’t talk to you for three days. Three wonderful fabulous amazing days.


You better take care of me Lord, if you don’t you’re gonna have me on your hands.


[standing fully clothed in the shower pretending to cry]
me: *opening the shower curtain* yeah this will work
real estate lady: ill draw up the contract


Who called it oatmeal-raisin instead of a misfortune cookie?


I want to be a large, Southern black woman who fans herself in church when I grow up.