@jollyrobber

If the first rule of fight club is not talking about fight club, how did fight club ever get off the ground?

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@NoFlipFlops

Sit next to stranger on park bench, hand over envelope with random person’s picture, whisper “It has to look like an accident”, walk away.

@junejuly12

Call your teenage daughter by the dog’s name one time and she doesn’t talk to you for three days. Three wonderful fabulous amazing days.

@GonzoVice

You better take care of me Lord, if you don’t you’re gonna have me on your hands.

@ErinChack

[standing fully clothed in the shower pretending to cry]
me: *opening the shower curtain* yeah this will work
real estate lady: ill draw up the contract

@UnFitz

Who called it oatmeal-raisin instead of a misfortune cookie?

@sfreeze6

I want to be a large, Southern black woman who fans herself in church when I grow up.