If the first thing you do in the morning is checking your emails, you’re starting your day with other people’s problems
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Somebody called me a free spirit today and my heart leapt as I turned back to my paperwork.
Wife: Did you eat an ENTIRE half-gallon of ice cream?!?!
Me: It was getting freezer-burned.
W: I just bought it today!
Me: Crazy freezer.
I tried to walk like an Egyptian and now I need to see a Cairo practor.
Tiny Son: Mommy, I can’t wait to be a ghost so I can see what’s inside of trees.
Travel tip: If you’re gonna have a double Bloody Mary at the airport, remember to bring $17,000.
Commits all the murders so I can be most wanted by somebody.
Mr. Beast: I locked 30 single moms in an IKEA with unlimited weapons and gave the winner $200,000
Everybody: Hey man. You shouldn’t do that
1. Say “Eye” 2. Spell the word “Map” 3. Say “Ness”
The running up the steps scene from Rocky, but it’s a penguin, and it takes four and a half hours.
it’s so stupid how stores are already selling halloween candy, like anybody is actually going door-to-door this year,
..today i bought a 5lb bag.
Apollo: everyone in favour of hunting the cyclopes, say aye
random guy came up to me today and asked for my autograph, and i gotta say i was flattered. a little strange that the only piece of paper he happened to have on him was a life insurance policy on me for $1 million, but sometimes that’s just how it works out!
Found something new to say when I leave a room.
Not to brag but I’ve stuck to my diet for the entire month of January.
I’d love this before and after shot…lol
Just learned that land on earth was covered in moss for 40 million years. Imagine getting to one million years of just moss thinking that you gotta be done with moss any day now and then you learn it’s 39 million more years of moss
Contrary to what Mario Kart led me to believe, banana peels aren’t an effective way to get rid of tailgaters.
On a side note, do you realize how much they’re getting for littering tickets these days???
If you run out of pet names for your partner, just call them assorted baking ingredients: sugar, honey, cinnamon, vanilla, garlic powder, Montreal steak seasoning, butter, pumpkin.
Shaking random people on the street shouting ARE YOU THE SHY SISTER is the 2024 cinderella
Might get a little wild tonight and set the white noise machine to overheated laptop
I tried to convince some McDonald’s workers to do the Harlem Shake but they said the machine was broken
I heard you like bad girls. I’m bad at everything
My birth certificate is far and away my most impressive swimming certificate.
[guy who’s about to invent dates]
*eating a meal* what if I could disappoint someone else at the same time?
But the snozzberries taste like snozzberries.
“It’s impossible.” said pride. “It’s risky.” said experience. “It’s pointless.” said reason. “Ggrraadrttgrrtrr.” said Chewbacca.
What idiot called it the “number of Police Officers in the Precinct” and not the “Copulation”
They say if you love something you should let it go, but I don’t think this pastrami sandwich will come back to me, so I’m just eating it.