If the first thing you do in the morning is checking your emails, you’re starting your day with other people’s problems
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If you excel at something, people love it until they don’t. But you won’t know when that will be until after you take out a mortgage.
Don’t crossbreed an owl with a duck,
The offspring is naught but a schmuck,
You might start overjoyed,
But you’ll soon be annoyed,
By all the incessant wise quacks.
Kind of sad that the most fragile men in the world are required by law to become pro wrestling referees.
Why do buses and trains cost money, like you’re going that way anyway give us a lift g
america famously invented speed limits during the cold war, back when they didn’t trust anyone that was rushin’
If a neighbor rolls up in a golf cart to your new house, he’s either the really fun neighbor or he’s your new HOA overlord.
*hit man puts on silencer*
*shoots gun*Gun: YOUR HAIR SMELLS NICE LIKE MY MOMS
Wth?
*looks at case*
Oh I brought the awkward silencer
Friend: You know that country song that goes-
Me: No.
Dear media: There’s nothing shocking about celebrities going topless, getting drunk, or falling over.
Let me know when they read a book.
Taking phone security to the next level.
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A lot of people are shocked to learn that I’m still single. Especially my wife.
how disrespectful to start wwiii in the middle of coachella.
I bet the person who named the fireplace also named the waterfall
imagine getting fired from the sperm bank for drinking on the job and having to constantly clarify that
just got robbed by a bunch of girl scouts, well i wasn’t robbed but they did take all my money
I wonder if the person who came up with the phrase ‘jumping on the bandwagon’ got really annoyed when everyone else started using it.
Vegetarians and vegans
are admirable ……but cannibals are the real humanitarians.
Of COURSE the government would keep aliens a secret from you people. You can’t even handle different kinds of humans.
If you are gonna do conspiracy theories go big or go home.
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*At the bank
Teller: And how would you like your cash?Me: Non sequential and in a brown bag.
Teller: You asked to withdraw 20 dollars…
Me: exactly
Teller:…
Me: Can I still have a lollipop?
According to the amount of bacon I just cooked. I’m 4 people.
I had sex once and once was enough
Wait, where did those 3 kids come from?😂
Me: do you love natural peanut butter, but hate stirring it?
Construction Boss: I’m not questioning the concept, it’s just not your cement mixer
[in bed]
Me: Don’t you love being on top?
Date: *peering down from top bunk* this isn’t what I had in mind
Me: shhh, you’re gonna wake my mom
Another way they could improve cricket is by having seven to eight golden retrievers on the pitch at all times
(meeting somebody for the first time and panicking)
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Wanna feel old? Subtract your birth year from the current year.
If you haven’t told your kids that wine is made out of whiny children then congratulations I guess you’re a better parent than me.
I hate when snakes disguise themselves as people.
Wife: did you know hippos kill way more people every year than sharks?
Me: how? by sitting on them? lol.
Hippo: [in the booth next to ours at Denny’s] I’m gonna kill him.