Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

If your opponent cracks his knuckles before a fight, have comfort knowing that osteoarthritis will, in due time, avenge your savage beating.

[getting dating advice from my dad]

Just be yourself and don’t do anything stupid

“Well which one is it?”

A toddler waves his stuffed snow leopard and shouts “tiger!” From my purse, I retrieve my big cat field guide to do the job his parents failed to do.

This lady in Walgreens is staring at me like she’s never seen anyone put on deodorant and then put it back on the shelf.

Me in high school: WHY AM I SPENDING AN HOUR A DAY LEARNING ABOUT A SUBJECT THAT WON’T HELP ME IN REAL LIFE?

Me now: Oh boy a new episode of my podcast about dolphin social hierarchies

[harry potter at work]

Colleague: when you were in school you killed a giant snake thing, right?

Harry: a basilisk, yes

Colleague: can’t even edit a google doc though, yikes *sips coffee*

My phone just changed CrossFit to Croissant, this phone really knows me better than any human.

I had a dream I was making out with someone with really bad breath.

Judging by the look on my dog’s face, I’d say we had the same dream.

“Do you want to hear a really good Batman impression?”
“Go on then”
“NOT THE KRYPTONITE!”
“That’s Superman”
“Thanks, I’ve been practicing.”

Interviewer: Are you good at staying calm in stressful situations?

Me: I’m not good at staying calm in relaxing situations.

waiter: what would you like to order, sir?
me: a naked salad, please.
waiter: …
me: you know, no dressing.

God: I am the father of humanity.

Human: *changes climate*

God: DON’T TOUCH THE THERMOSTAT!

I was jogging at night once in jeans when I caught up to an old guy at the corner. He was so startled he handed me his wallet. I didn’t want to waste all his fear so I politely took it.

PASTOR: and the lord said unto us—can u stop please? it’s very distracting
ME: [bouncing up & down on yoga ball] i don’t think he said that

ME: I just feel like sometimes you take me for granted.

MY CAT: I literally have no idea who you are.

Thanks, Google, probably could have managed those last two letters myself

If Kim delivered food is she a Doordashian?

I own 2 crabs. One is happy and the other is grumpy. The happy one is crab A.

The grumpy one is crab B.

I opened the fridge door, but something inside slammed it shut. It’s going to be Uber Eats until we can move out.

Hubs says when I drink I’m “too loud” and use too many “big words.”

WELL I’M SORRY IF MY VOCIFEROUS GRANDILOQUENCE BOTHERS YOU!!

Garfield creator breaks silence to give impassioned speech. “It’s pronounced Jarfield” he says through tears

Driving down the road and saw my ex-wife. Funny how “I’d hit that” changes meaning over the years

Boss: Are you asleep?

Me: Sorry, must’ve dozed off

B: That’s unacceptable!

M: I apologised, didn’t I ?

B: And where are your pants?

M: *shrugging* I always sleep naked

guys I was hanging out at a coffeeshop/bar/restaurant and you’ll never guess what but a perfect strawman of my political enemies presented a well-constructed example of why they suck, within earshot of where I was sitting!

thank god Hinge doesn’t do a year end wrapped. I would have to walk into the sea with pockets full of stones

I always pencil in 45 minutes in my calendar when asking my daughter a question.

I love how I can spend all day unabashedly getting naked and intimate with strangers but then wait until it’s dark outside to put my garbage on the curb because I do not want to be observed by people

There’s a fine line between a mirror and the end of this rolled up dollar bill.

interviewer: describe yourself in 5 words

me: mathematically challenged

I bet she has a tough time finding a coffee mug with her name on it.