Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Some people age like wine, others age like milk.

This app would like to use your location. It also wants you to mow the lawn and call your parents more often.

Just cleaned out my purse if anyone needs 17 pens or a tooth.

The cops said 911 was for emegencies only and not for me to report suspicious looking clouds.

i’m so sorry sir, but we here at chase bank don’t accept gun-for-money exchanges. and we need an amount, not just “all the money you got”

I have never ONCE dropped a roll of toilet paper without it dramatically unrolling half of itself

so people are okay with batman wearing a cape but when i do it i “need to put my hospital gown on the right way”

I love books. You can put them on shelves, that conceal a fireman’s pole, that leads to a cave where you keep a fast car decorated with bats.

kinda adds insult to injury that jesus was nailed to the cross since he was a carpenter. whole time he was probably noticing all the corners they cut like “this wood was not sanded properly”

I date waitresses so I can ask them if everything is ok when their mouth is full.

If you are looking for a relationship without all the baggage I suggest a layover.

I didn’t ask to be the “bad boy” of professional tennis. Probably why it never happened.

It’s hard to make the bed when someone’s in it. Especially if it’s me.

Me: What’s with the look?

Hub: How would you like a full-service massage?

Me: I would, but will you and the kids be okay while I’m gone?

I had two ribs removed so I could pet small dogs easier.

The enemy of my enemy is my friend unless they don’t dance and if they don’t dance well they’re no friend of mine.

Fun new prank: Walk into a busy restaurant and call out the name of a rare Pokémon.

Saw a police officer dressed as a pilot today & thought it was weird. Then I realized he must be one of those “plane clothes cops.”

Me:
Her:
Me:
Her:
Me:
Her:
Me: *turns on garbage disposal*
Her: *starts talking to me*

So many chores, so many kids to do them for me

My girlfriend told me she loved me and wanted to marry me so I shot her in self defense.

Damn girl, are you a maple tree? Cause I would tap that, and you have an impressive root structure which is where this metaphor falls apart.

me: so the wife and I started running the dishwasher in the morning instead of at night and it’s had a real positive impact on our days, for example-

officer writing ticket: i’ll let you go if you just please stop talking

*drives Toyota Corolla into Mordor*
“See, nobody suspected a thing”

I Photoshop paddington into a movie or TV show until I forget: Day 520

Cop: we have you surrounded! Get down on the ground now!
Cardboard Man: sigh not again
*cops start breakdancing*

she kept her secret snacks under the false bottom of a vintage hat box behind the old hoover vacuum in the guest bedroom closet…amateur

My 3-year-old gave me a sticker for behaving myself in public. She’s doing a good job of raising her parents.

Boss: You’re looking a little scruffy lately, you need a trim.

Me: Sorry, I don’t shave too often because of the razor burn.

(later, shaving)

Razor: LOL you call that a beard? My grandma has more chin hair than that, you suck!