If the floor is lava, that couch isn’t gonna help you, kid.
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My hometown is so charming. Everyone’s got the spirit animal of gum stuck under the diner table
CASHIER: would you like to donate one dollar to charity?
ME: no thank you
SATAN (sitting on a throne made of human skulls): excellent choice
*waiter pouring wine*
Say when sir
*wine slowly fills up the restaurant*
My current diet all ends with an S.
Pizzas.
Hamburgers.
Tacos.
Nachos.
Everything that’s in sights.
Remember when mowhawks meant you were a tough punk rocker?
Now they just mean that you’re 3 and your parents are idiots.
“Swimsuit season is over,” I announce, a fistful of chocolate cake in one hand and a tray of brownies in the other. My husband slowly backs out of the room.
Me: Why is the dog staring at the floor?
Wife: I’m baking cookies and she’s waiting for one to drop so she can eat it.
Me: [also now staring at the floor]
Throwing things off the table before my cat gets the chance to is one of my favourite past times. Eye contact is imperative for full satisfaction
🎵 I can’t wait to
I won’t rest until a cure for insomnia is found.
Wife: Hi, did you eat?
Me: Did you eat?
Wife: Are you copying me?
Me: Are you copying me?
Wife: I love you!
Me: Yes, I already ate
Cargo pants? Uhhhh no buddy, car go beep beep. You feeling alright man?
I bet M. Day Shyamalan movies would be a lot less scary, am I right?
Thanks to Target’s full length 3 way mirrors, I’m now painfully aware I look like a melting candle from the back.
A boy asked his bitcoin-investing dad for 1 bitcoin for his birthday.
Dad: What? $15,554??? $14,354 is a lot of money! What do you need $16,782 for anyway?
When I experience symptoms of dehydration, I quickly eat some slabs of cream cheese to rule out if I’m just thirsty for cheese.
Today while in the bookshop I said to the lady behind the counter, “I’m looking for a book by Shakespeare”
She asked “Which one?”
Me: “William”
[2 Humans who definitely aren’t lizard people at Denny’s]
1: I sure am glad they don’t have newt brain on the menu
2: Right on, fellow human
Giraffe: That’s the most disgusting thing I’ve ever seen!
[5 min later]
*vomits*
Alex: This term indicates a zero score in tennis.
Contestant: What is love?
*dance party erupts*
*adds Amazon wishlist link to bio*
Me: And now we wait
[2 days later] *nothing*
[1 week later] *still nothing*
[2 weeks later] Kids: Dad, we’re really hungry now
Me: I said, we wait!!!
My 7-year-old told me that he loves me and hopes I never die, and the only thing that could have made this moment more special is if I wasn’t sitting on the toilet.
CAPTAIN AMERICA: Avengers, assemble!
*points to a bunch of IKEA shit he just bought for the headquarters*
[blind date]
HER: I’m a Nihilist
ME {trying to impress her}: Egypt is a beautiful country
Sure I’ll join your Cause on Facebook…Right after I jump out of an airplane without a parachute…
If the United States ever collapses, the upside is that we can finally use the blue starry part of American flags to make wizard hats.
[Victora’s Secret]
Wife: You’re the most supportive person I know.
*A person made of bras walks by*
Me: Um what about that guy?
5 year old: Does ‘Cupid’ mean ‘cute’ and ‘stupid’?
Me: It does now.
I asked two Uber drivers to pick each other up and am watching them chase each other in circles around my block until they run out of gas.