If the floor is lava, that couch isn’t gonna help you, kid.
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HER: Put down the bottle babe you have an alcohol problem.
ME: *spritzing doorknobs* I can stop any time I want.
Yes, I have been awake since 5am. Just not a “productive member of society” level of awake. For that you need to wait until about 11:30am when I will wash up 5 mugs & send an email. Then I’ll get hungry & we’re back to square one.
I love putting on warm underwear fresh out of the dryer. I also love to look around the laundromat and guess who they belong to.
[my dog lays down on my date’s lap instead of mine]
date: “i had a good time tonight”
me: “i think you need to leave”
Remember when you were small & all you wanted was a pony but your parents were high on meth & thought the house was already full of ponies?
Safari is a fancy word for voluntarily putting yourself at the bottom of the food chain
[sees kid crying in the mall]
“What’s wrong?”
“I’m lost.”
“You’re in the mall you little idiot.”
[nail salon]
Excuse me, do you do filing here?
“Yes of course we do!”
Great! I need a good refund
*hands over tax forms*
My 7YO is either very shy in front of people, or she’s already given them our social security numbers
blacksmith: hey, so I’ve finished welding those fruity soda cans together like you asked.
me: Fantastick.
And now…a ‘joke’.
“WAITER! I’d like to complain about my lion pie”
“What seems to be the problem, madam?”
“It’s ROAR in the middle”
“Apologies, madam. I shall bring you the menu so you can choose an alternative MANE course”
*coughs*
Have a baby hold your cigarette for a minute
and everybody loses their shit!
cows are very calm considering the whole floor is food to them
Him: It’s only a 20 minute hike. Why do you insist on so much bug spray?!
Me: Keeps the murder hornets away
Him: There’s no murder hornets in our state
Me: Then the spray is working
Mum, that’s not a picture of Jesus
[hears baby crying]
Wife: can you go check on him
Me: there’s no way he’s finished in the bath already
11: (squeezes my face) It’s just like squeezing SpongeBob
Me: Why?
11: (laughs)Because your face is full of holes
𝙋𝙤𝙧𝙚𝙨, 𝙨𝙝𝙚’𝙨 𝙩𝙖𝙡𝙠𝙞𝙣𝙜 𝙖𝙗𝙤𝙪𝙩 𝙢𝙮 𝙥𝙤𝙧𝙚𝙨
𝙃𝙚𝙧 𝙧𝙤𝙖𝙨𝙩𝙨 𝙖𝙧𝙚 𝙙𝙞𝙖𝙗𝙤𝙡𝙞𝙘𝙖𝙡
If you’re happy and you know it, clap your hands. There’s nothing more endearing than happy people applauding themselves.
My kitchen overserved me.
Popeye was heart healthy because he liked to eat spinach and Olive Oil.
Productive day sketching while waiting at the DMV.
11yo said he can’t wait to grow up so he won’t have to do chores anymore. I had forgotten how cathartic it is to laugh until you cry.
News Reporter: …and once again Spider-Man saves the day. This city would be nothing without our amazing hero.
Drunk Radioactive spider: *throws bottle at TV* I MADE HIM!!!
You look like the kinda person who eats the DO NOT EAT silica packets
Damn boy are you a stormtrooper, because you’re never gonna hit this
At Christmas, it’s important to pause and remember all those who have wronged you this year and how you can wreak vengeance on them in 2017
You do you.
I’m gonna do me.
*married sex
A twitter swear jar could end world hunger.
*Passing the same coworker in the hallway more than once:
Don’t look at me, I already said “Hi” to you.