If the future is now, then how come the pizza I’m gonna order later isn’t here yet?
You Might Also Like
waiter: have you decided
me: yes, we’ll have the garbage bag that smells like scraps of salmon and coffee grinds
my date, who is a raccoon: perfect
why just edible underwear? why not an entire edible wardrobe? i wanna eat a parka off my wife before sex
Women are like bacon: we look good, we smell good, we taste good and we will slowly kill you.
The phrase “you two deserve each other” sounds like a compliment, but never is.
*Game Character Treatment Center*
Counselor: Okay new faces, please tell us why you’re here
Pac-Man: Binge eating
Lara Croft: Kleptomania
Ryu: *crying* I can’t stop fighting streets
Should I ever go missing, please don’t let the news use my 7th grade picture.
God: you have eight legs.
Spider: do I-do I need eight legs?
God: tbh no one really needs eight of anything.
Spider:
God:
Spider:
God: also you have eight eyes.
Monopoly made me believe there would more bank errors in my favour as an adult.
Responding to all selfies with “this should work.”
These hair growth vitamins are sure making my mustache fill in nicely.
How come Noah didn’t just slap those two mosquitoes?
Sorry, but responding to “sir, you are yelling” with “SO IS THE BABY” while screaming about a baby crying on an airplane is the funniest thing anyone has ever said.
ME: Whatcha doin?
WIFE: Watchin Dune.
ME: I asked you first, Sharon.
People who clap when the plane lands don’t aim particularly high do they?
[first day as burglar]
me : OMG SNACKS
Why do people say “meteoric rise”? You know, meteors…those space rocks that famously don’t go up?
Asked an old couple at work what is the secret to a long marriage
He said “Good reflexes”
She said “Poor aim”
shrek 2 was great… but i was disappointed when there wasn’t a second shrek
I never feel more productive than when I’m watching cleaning videos.
[high school reunion]
Amanda: wow, you haven’t changed a bit
me: [covered in acne and wearing faded Pokemon shirt]: yeah I know
*in the car*
dog: where we going?
me: to the neuter clinic
dog: neuter clinic? you’re nuts!
me: no. your nuts
*shows up to the cool people party with the bag of coke I promised
Hell hath no fury like a toddler who demanded to use a fork to eat his soup and can’t eat his soup
“Do you like to swim?” I ask a beautiful woman awkwardly as I walk into the ocean, never to be seen again.
I don’t really ever worry about being kidnapped because my 6yo would just find me and ask for a snack.
To its credit, only like 8% of doing the Macarena involves heiling Hitler.
I’ve seen wax fruit less fake than you
For as much as they teach you “Stop, Drop, and Roll” as a kid, I really expected to be on fire at least once in my life.
I’m all “class”.
The first two letters really aren’t necessary.
