If the future is now, then how come the pizza I’m gonna order later isn’t here yet?
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A reboot of Dexter, but this time he stalks and kills people who crunch their disposable water bottles as they drink.
one time I saw a guy playing with a yoyo walk into a street sign. I laughed so hard that it changed me. It changed everything.
A Serial Killer Known For Ripping Out Tounges Entered The Buzzfeed Office And What He Did Next Left Us Speechless
Therapist: Would you date yourself?
Me: No, I deserve better…
Can’t, waiting for the DIY instructions on how to make ventilators from cauliflower.
I took a picture of a kid’s chest x-ray to show the family (he had pneumonia). I showed the kid and he gasped. Then in an awestruck voice he said, “I have a skeleton.”
[first date]
Me: that is hilarious
Date: …
Me: wait, bread or dead?
Date: how would my parents be bread?
[at doctor’s office]
Nurse: You may get undressed now.
Me: [rips off tear away pants]
Nurse: Most people wait until I’m out of the room but okay.
Kids don’t like to go to bed, and that’s how you know that they’re stupid.
hi aliens, if you’re harvesting humans the best and juiciest ones have a lot of numbers in their bank accounts
As a child I had a medical condition that meant I had to eat soil 3 times a day in order to survive. Lucky my older brother told me about it
Yeah, no, I don’t have a FitBit. I’m pretty sure I have a solid grasp on how inactive I am. I don’t need like bells and alarms and stuff.
Never share a secret with a clock.
Because Time will tell.
After weeks of progress, I suddenly stopped losing weight. I hit a wall.
*puts ice pack on hand* OK, so I was a little upset.
What do you mean your “water broke”? Did the H2 fall off the O?
Eating scrambled eggs directly off the bathroom floor to demonstrate my faith in modern cleaning products
The problem with Netflix recommendations is they assume I “liked” a show just because I watched 13 hours of it
When my wife says she’s going to throw away a dessert, I turn into Gollum sooooooo fast
Still a great one lol. #tailsofjoy
If opposites truly attract, the correct life strategy is to be a loser
It was when he said no nunchucks in the kitchen that I knew our relationship was doomed
I’m like a cartoon character, not because I’m cute or funny, but because I wear the same clothes every day.
wife: my husband thinks he’s a ghost
marriage counselor: what. where is he
wife: he’s probably trying to come in…
[sound of someone running straight into the door]
This Job Fair sucks, it doesn’t even have rides.
Went to a humanist wedding a few weeks ago. One of the lovely things was the rings being passed round during the ceremony, allowing us all to make a wish for the couple as we held them. After, asked my son what he’d wished for. He replied, “I misunderstood & wished for a puppy.”
Me watching my husband quietly close the dishwasher after taking just one clean dish out
Boss: Is that beer? You’re not supposed to drink at work!
Me: You’re not supposed to cheat on your wife.
Boss: You’re doing a great job.
Just saw my evil doppelganger speed away in a DeLorean. I’m sure it’s fine
[my first day as a bank teller]
guy comes up to window: i’m here to make a withdrawal
me: i’ll need to see some ID sir
guy [pulls out gun]: here’s my ID
me: umm, sir, that’s not ID. that’s a gun [turning to coworker] is this guy an idiot?
guy: no, i’m saying, this is a robbery
me: no, sir. this is a bank [turning to coworker] is this dude for real?
Somewhere a guitarist sets down his instrument, pours gas on it, & lights it ablaze while Miley Cyrus naked on a wrecking ball shoots to #1.