If the Get Out challenge was running straight at people and veering away last second, the Midsommar challenge is just taking your long term boyfriend to see Midsommar
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Husband: How’s your diet going?
Me: *scraping cheese off his burger wrapper with my teeth* Fine.
Getting colagen injections in my lips next week ’cause, you know, ’tis the season to be Jolie.
The therapist said to try deep breathing under water?
Quarantine Day 26
Puts pictures of mom all around the house and runs with scissors laughing maniacally
Raisins are grape jerky.
If I lived in England I would approach my boss on payday and say “pound me.”
The easiest way to get over someone is with a steamroller.
The strawberry frosted pop tart was resplendent.
That’s right, I learned a new word today. Pop-tart; a thin breakfast pastry filled with jam and cooked in a toaster.
You call it the Friend Zone. I call it Palcatraz.
been watching all the James Bond movies in chronological order
it’s truly incredible how many times the fate of the entire world rests on James Bond’s ability to travel to a scenic destination and have sex with a beautiful woman
Chameleons have a hard time getting good photos of other chameleons because they’re too small to hold cameras
I’m in the other room and I hear my 3yo shout, “In your face, poop”. Then the toilet flushes. I would give anything to get that excited about pooping again.
me: can I buy you a drink?
girl: sorry [holds up martini] already got one
me: [spits in it] How about now?
“My eyes are up here” ~ The last words heard by any guy who checked Medusa out.
A clean headbutting is the most elegant way to win an argument.
The Rainforest Cafe isn’t realistic enough for me. Part of the restaurant should burn down by the time you finish your meal.
Somewhere out there, there must be a toddler who has eaten all of their dinner after only being asked once. I want to believe.
No matter how bad things get I remind myself I could be trapped in a pyramid scheme convinced I’m a business owner.
my future husband is probably fake laughing at his girlfriends Iame jokes rn. be patient king, a true clown is on the way.
My wife is constantly hiding things where they belong.
Me texting a friend: I miss you!
Friend: I miss you! What are you doing this weekend? Let’s hang out!
Me: . . .
(one week later)
Me: I miss you!
I like donuts.
Twitter:
The great songs ask the eternal questions: Where have all the flowers gone? How can you mend a broken heart? Who let the dogs out?
My personal history can best be understood as a series of catastrophes.
Farmer: You’d like to exchange nutrient rich manure for my agricultural expertise?
Me: Yes. Shit for brains, if you will. Lol.
Dudes who flirt on LinkedIn are like “That pickup line really backfired on Tinder so I’m going to try that again and include my entire work history”
“What seems to be the problem, officer?”
*husband comes outside*
“What are all the neighbors out here laughing about?”
*sees me trying to skateboard to the mailbox*
I wish I were a British fighter pilot.
Those dudes are Royal AF.
Finished building birdhouse. Bird couple coming by tomorrow. In their price range.