If the Get Out challenge was running straight at people and veering away last second, the Midsommar challenge is just taking your long term boyfriend to see Midsommar
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in the mood to pterodactyl scream at anyone who steps into a 3 foot radius of my body unless they’ve got a bowl of mashed potatoes to offer me
My teenaged daughter just asked me how to spell U2.
Fingers crossed for that athletic scholarship.
My kid: Hey mom, do we stop growing when we get older?
Me: *with a mouthful of mashed potatoes* Not in my experience honey
[cop trying to cuff me] Stop. Doing. Jazz. Hands.
Skyped my dad today and had a great conversation with his forehead and nose hairs…
Twitter is the only place where you encourage strangers to follow you. What could possibly go wrong?
Genie: you have 17 wishes
Me: isn’t it normally 3??
Genie: yeah but *vaguely gestures to me* lot of issues here.
They should have a surrealist SAT, with questions like:
A train departs the South Pole at sunflower AM while a submarine swallows a cormorant’s wings. Where will they meet?
I’m calling the cops.
I had eaten two bowls of Meow Mix before realizing I haven’t been getting much sleep lately.
favorite childhood memories?
~not paying bills.
I’m not saying I’ve got a girl crush on you, I’m just saying lesbiadorable together.
Hello. I am Public Restroom. Would you like some toilet paper that melts in the palm of your hand? Here, have some empty soap, my child.
If you’re using public transport never give up your seat to an old lady…
That’s how I lost my job as a bus driver.
everyone hates my volcano jokes, but i LAV-a them!
(my loneliness is paralyzing)
Reporter: Is there anything you can do to make people hate you more?
Rodger Goodell: Coldplay is doing the Super Bowl halftime show.
life coach: be the best version of yourself
me: I am
life coach: hahaha wait are you serious
Got into a big fight with my toddler over what powers trains. I said electricity but he insisted it’s carrots. Carrots running trains is literally the hill he’ll die on.
got kicked out of the louvre for checking to see if the Mona Lisa was a scratch and sniff
Dr: You have walking pneumonia.
Me: That’s impossible.
Dr: Wha..
Me: I’ve never walked a day in my life.
I’m still annoyed that you can catch Covid more than once. I can’t explain why, but it feels kind of rude.
fiancé: please take off my bra and my skirt
me: *seductively takes off her bra and her skirt*
fiancé: if i catch you wearing my stuff again, i swear to god i’m gonna murder you
Guy on an electric bike asked if I was single and I told him I’m not really “into dating right now” and he said “that’s cool” and let me ride his very cool electric bike but when it was over he said “that’s what you’re missing” and scooted off into the distance
The reason I like true crime stuff is you can watch it and be like, “damn, I really do have my shit together. I almost never murder my whole family”
I’m beginning to suspect that my boyfriend is not really a ninja & that he moved out nine month ago.
My grandfather was a boxer in the British Army.
Which was completely unfair because the enemy had rifles.
[coaching little league]
KID: did I do good today,coach
ME: you ate 4 dandelions in the 3rd inning alone, Brayden
What do the films Titanic & the 6th sense have in common?
Icy dead people…
Them: “How’s your diet going?”
Me: *slowly eats a powdered donut while maintaining eye contact*