Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My friend called me from a private number last night so I just returned the favor by knocking on his door with a ski mask on.

I caught a glimpse of myself in the mirror this morning, so I guess once again my personality will be doing all the work today

You take the oxy out of oxymoron

so many songs about heartache but only one about a werewolf loose on the streets of london??

Don’t you have anyone you can talk to? – me as a therapist

[2018]
SON: I have the sniffles.
WIFE: Let’s get you to the ER!

[1986]
ME: I just took half my finger off with the saw!
DAD: Go get the hydrogen peroxide and a stapler.
ME: …
DAD: Grab me a beer on your way.

(Me on trampoline outside your bedroom window)
Why

Did

You

Unfollow

Me?

My cat acts like he took a life insurance policy out on me and he’s the benefactor.

[me as a drug dealer]

Me: wanna buy some acid?

Guys: yeah, whaddya got?

Me: I’ve got fatty, amino, and folic

Guys: (stab me repeatedly)

[Spain, 1578]
“I’m not a witch!”
But all the cats?
“My pets!”
The broom?
“For cleaning!”
The cauldron of boiling children?
“Ok I’m a witch.”

Me: I love it when I’m on top of his…
Friend: Sophie! There are kids here!
Me: Timeline. I was going to say timeline.

Actually, your email does not find me well. I had to talk on the phone twice today, my bananas ripened too quickly and I found a fork in the spoon section of the drawer.

My life is spiraling out of control.

If you’re burglarizing a home and the owner walks in, defuse the situation by saying, “I seriously love your place”

[consoling widow] I was the one who put the kick me sign on your husband. I had no idea you owned a horse that can read

what if a snake fell asleep wrong and when he woke up his him was alseep

Me: Look. There’s a deer.
Hunter: Don’t spook it.
Me: *slowly stuffing a werewolf mask back into my backpack*

Possible Fact: If you suffer with freezing cold hands, you are contractually obliged to test their temperature by putting them on people.

me: it’s weird how you follow me to the bathroom

dog: it’s weird how you follow *me* to the bathroom

If a group of necrophiliacs ran into group of zombies…who would do the chasing?

Oh, I went there…;)

*chases cat around the house with a lint roller

peeping toms

Why let people drive you crazy when you know it’s in walking distance?

That seems a conundrum…
🤔

me: I always follow my moral compass

friend who’s lost in the woods with me: maybe we should’ve followed a compass compass

The grass in my backyard is growing flowers which means I am either really good or really bad at taking care of my yard.

I bet that new show goes through dragon handlers pretty quickly.

[batteries in my TV remote die for the first time since I bought it 4 years ago]
“Useless piece of shit.”

The fall of Netflix

Me: I’m here for Unreliable Club

Guy: The meeting was yesterday

Me: I know

Guy *under breath* holy shit this guy’s good