Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

CEOs are in danger, we need to put all of them in a submarine until we know it’s safe

Dear Abby,

My pastor insists that being gay is wrong, yet he ends all his letters with the words “In Him”

Help!

Perplexed in Poughkeepsie

My new driver’s license picture doesn’t look anything like me.

*tapes a little picture of an iPhone over half my face

Now it looks like me.

AGENT SCULLY: someone got diarrhea so bad they had to land the plane
AGENT MULDER: [tosses file on her desk] ever hear of the diarrhea alien?

I always wonder what the nurses reaction was like after I leave a half eaten sandwich in a coma patients hand.

You don’t really appreciate a Chinese Spy Balloon until it’s gone.

Me: *flips pillow to the cool side*
Cool Side of the pillow:
BEAT IT NERD!
Me: *flips pillow back to the nerd side*

A friend of mine is allergic to both peanut butter and bees, which he discovered when he bit into the worst sandwich ever.

I understand if you aren’t religious, I respect that. But you don’t have to get all rude when I ask to use your first born as a sacrifice.

You have a really old bottle of hair care product in your shower. You have a pre-existing conditioner.

PRO TIP: Stall your execution by asking if the lethal injection chemicals are gluten-free.

“You’re running into trouble requesting something because there’s a late book on your account.”
“See, this is why I don’t like using the library. It takes me time to read things! How long have I had it out?”
“I mean, about seventy-two months. But hey I’m all for pacing yourself.”

I feel like this would increase accidents because if I saw that I would assume it’s a demon arriving to drag my soul to hell.

cover letters are so weird like bro why do I need to write you some fan fiction about working for you

Housework is boring, and it is futile. You make the bed, you do the dishes. Six months later, you got to start all over again. JOAN RIVERS

I don’t think this bowl of Reese’s Peanut Butter Cups on my desk is making me as indispensable to the workplace as I had hoped.

I would follow a stranger into a dark alley if they promised me potato wedges

Monster mom: Is it a GIRL?
Monster dad: Is it a BOY?

Midwife: It has 12 fingers and 4 toes. Just be grateful you created a monster!

My kid keeps saying “When you were alive back in the 1900’s….”

So, my question is can you drop kids off at the fire station in a basket at any age?

“Be the change you want to see in the world. ”

Me: Cool, can I be a 10 and two 5’s?

Why throw it in the hamper when I can throw it on a chair that’s 2 feet away from the hamper.

– My husband

17 asked what the 80’s were like and i told her to sit in the middle of the front seat between me and her grandma.

To whoever is going out with my ex, please step up your game because He is still texting me.

Someone once asked me if I was drunk.

I said yes.

That was the shortest job interview I’ve ever had.

[Shipwreck Diary]

Day 29: worried I’m losing track of time

Day 4: nope. I’m fine

Sensei: you have learned much, my child

Nonsensei: flamingos are extremely inconsiderate

When I was younger I also blamed Jewish people for all my problems and thought they were part of a conspiracy to control and ruin my life. Turns out they were just being good parents.

one day, after your children have moved out, you realize it was your husband who you needed to hide the good cookies from all along

… Eau DeTroit …

#RejectedPerfumeNames

They should have to tell you that there will be a 20-parent group text when you’re signing your kids up for little league.