If the good lord did not intend for me to eat this entire bag of chili cheese fritos then he wouldn’t have made them so delicious
Amen
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When you gaze into the abyss sometimes the abyss pats you gently on the hand and says she’s just not that into you.
[middle of the night]
Me: Wake up!
Wife: What?!
Me: I dreamt Dolores Umbridge banned my pig
Wife:
Me: But she couldn’t. It was HOGwarts
In honor of Charles Dickens I will also be poor this Christmas
I don’t own any guns, so I use a bat for home defense. If I die, at least my intruder will die from rabies.
[First date]
Her: I like bad boys.
Me: *trying to impress* I have it on Blu-ray.
Stop me if you’ve heard this already.
-said no kid ever
Went up to some of my neighbors from the last 10 years to let them know they’re losing a pillar of the community, and they were like sorry who are you?
I bet the first guy who threw shit into a fan never knew what an incredible legacy he would leave.
DOCTOR: Don’t be embarrassed. Taking trousers off is normal for a prostate exam.
ME: Err yeah I guess. Should I take mine off too?
“I’ve got toes in different area codes.”
– Ludacris steps on a land mine
The way my son reacts when I approach his face with a tissue is the way you’d react if I approached your face with a nailgun.
When someone is ignoring your messages..
just text them “I heard something about you”
and then ignore them too😜😜
[filing for legal name change]
Judge: and what’s the reason for the request?
Me: I was owned pretty badly on line
Judge: *removes glasses and squints* oh my god are you the guy that thought bears were fat dogs
So I just found some ham in my purse. How thoughtful of drunk me.
This morning my therapist said more people need to do things without expecting anything in return, so I left without paying her.
I should probably try harder to find a mail-order-bride before the post office shuts down completely.
What do you mean you come from a dysfunctional background?
“Well my mom is a compulsive hoar-“
*gasp*
“-der. Wait, what did you think I was going to say?”
Sorry, I get easily distracted
Please donate 30$ to my child’s school funrun so she can get a pencil as a prize, thank you
amazing news for movie lovers. i have just RSVPed yes to a wedding where the only person i will know besides the bride and groom is my ex boyfriend
*kids running down the stairs*
DADDY, DADDY, I HEARD TOYS BUZZING IN YOUR ROOM AND MOMMY SAY, “SANTA CAME EARLY THIS YEAR.”
If your store’s bowl of water is just for pets you should really put up a sign.
Not a single parenting book prepared me for questions like, “Did oranges get their name from the color or did the color get its name from oranges?”
Me, before kids: my kids will not spend their time on electronics.
Me, after kids: iPad is your mom now.
“No son of mine is going to spend his entire day playing video games!” I tell everyone on various social media sites.
This is what happens when people grow up without watching Final Destination.
*at the pharmacy*
I WOULD LIKE THE PILLS THAT ALLOW ME TO CONTROL BIRTH
*pharmacist blinks*
GIVE THEM TO ME, SORCERER
[first day being homeless]
What thread count are these newspapers?
When I was younger I used to learn a new word and then find ways to awkwardly shoehorn it into conversation. Talk about a classic bildungsroman.
Not to be too political but liquid shouldn’t drip out first when you’re squeezing out mustard.