Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Losing my mind over the idea that pigeons existed before cities. Like can you imagine pigeons just hanging out in a forest? Eating bugs instead of gutter bagels? I personally just don’t buy it.

[walking on beach]

[find bottle with message in it]

Message: IS YOUR FRIDGE RUNNING?

[another bottle with message washes against my feet]

I dont need glasses, they’re just making road signs smaller now

Passenger: That’s a billboard, and the road is over there

I hate to be a stickler, but why is Jesus wearing a cross?

I hate when people say it’s quarter till 11.
Just say it’s 10:75

Stay humble, you are someone’s weird coworker.

GUYS GUYS GUYS, I just saw this dude wearing the stupidest . . . False alarm, just a mirror.

*novela book bar*

bartender: let me guess books not booze

him: tequila …

bartender: ’bout time here you go

him: … mockingbird

bartender: there it is

[leaving for vacation]

Me: Do we have everything?

Kids: Yes!

Me: Let’s go!

[5 min up road]

Son: Dad, where’s mommy?

Me: *makes u-turn*

When someone tells me they’re sick I try to make them feel better with a story about my own sickness that was much worse and many years ago.

Call me a hopeless romantic, but there’s nothing like a candlelit dinner to obscure the rodent droppings in my storage unit.

the votes are coming from… inside the country!!!

I just met a spider that jumped right at me when I tried to kill it.

And that spider just met a man that does not need to live in a home.

Startled by the sound of my own washing machine, yet convinced I’d be a badass in any apocalypse.

PHARMACIST : Take this medication with food.

ME : Relax, buddy. I take everything with food.

[watching a movie where kids’ teacher is hitting on the single mom]

Me: What if a man liked me—what would you think?

10: I don’t know. That’s never happened before.

What a beautiful crisp spring day. The birds are singing, the sun is shining and I’m seething with anger as I think about what someone said to me 25 years ago.

would Iove a queer bar called something normal. Instead it’s like here I am spending another night at the gaping hole

Being a hermit crab is hard because every time you’re naked you’re also homeless and that’s literally the worst time to be naked

Congrats u survived pandemic so your reward is World War III

I remember being a kid & excited whenever the doorbell would ring. Now when it rings, I drop to the floor & don’t move like its a bank heist

My wife yelled out in the hallway, there’s a severe thunderstorm warning now …. I could barely hear her way back in this closet with my cat.

Went for a run last night and saw one of my neighbors already has his Christmas lights up

All I could think was, why the hell am I running rn?!

The internet is cool because you can make a joke about cannibalism being bad and someone will respond with, “Actually, it’s racist NOT to eat people.” And you’re 95% sure he’s just the dumbest person alive but you still have to google for 20 minutes to make sure you’re not racist

Do you think the earth is flat? Blink once for no, have a lobotomy for yes.

Why do people ask “what the hell were you thinking”? Obviously, I was thinking I was gonna get away with it and not have to explain it

Friend: If you give it some deep thought—

Me: Let me stop you right there.

Guy on an electric bike asked if I was single and I told him I’m not really “into dating right now” and he said “that’s cool” and let me ride his very cool electric bike but when it was over he said “that’s what you’re missing” and scooted off into the distance

Parenthood is basically just pretending to be angry when you aren’t and pretending not to be angry when you are.

He said he likes curvy women and what my man wants, my man gets

*eats 14th Oreo cookie*