If the government implants a tracking device on me the only useful information they are going to get is how many times I actually pee in a day.
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I like my men like I like my coffee: encouraging my bowel movements
Me: These books are half price.
Wife: Yeah.
Me: So I can save money.
Wife: Uh huh.
Me: By buying ten times as many.
Wife: NO.
Scroll
Scroll
Scroll your phone,
gently down the screen.
Merilly
Merrily
Merrily
Merrily
MY GOD THAT’S OBSCENE!!!!!!!!!
My 6-year-old the first two min of every morning on spring break:
A shark is a predator with little fish but is it still a predator with a mosasaurus because a mosasaurus can eat it? What about a prognathadon & a titanoboa? A hyena? Is Thanos a predator? Can Thanos eat sharks or
Me: She really needs to calm down.
Alcohol: You should tell her.
“You need to take better care of yourself.”
– four physicians that I’ve outlived
[being taken hostage]
*tearing up* it’s so nice to have someone take an interest
We take our 40% off sale seriously at
My son’s default mode is “protester being dragged out of a political rally.”
Told my wife I wanted our kids every other weekend and she reminded me that we’re married & live together so I’d have to see them every day.
I am officially off the market😂😂😂😂😂
If one more person stands up and talks about their alcoholism I’m quitting this book club.
Me: “I keep looking for love in all the wrong places.”
*later at the abandoned mine*
Me: “Hello?! Would anybody like a date?!”
I’m missing the VMAs. Who’s losing? Is it music?
Nothing to do, you say?
You gotta sprinkle in a few yeahs with those uh huhs or else they’re gonna know
U talkin 2 me?
this burrito is terrible how can you call yourself a barista
My 11 y/o daughter just casually told me she wants to start a company where people can order bacon, ham and sausage delivered to their house and call it “Hamazon.” This is why the world has billionaires.
Teacher: I’m worried because your daughter keeps spelling her name T-R-M-N-L.
Me: but I just taught her how to spell PAIGE.
Teacher: tell me what you told her.
Me: P as in Pterodactyl, A as in Artist, I as in Imaginary, G as in Gnat, and E as in Elephant.
I used to devour books as a kid but the doctors made me stop because of stomach issues
*steals machine parts all year*
*gets coal for xmas*
“Santa you idiot, the parts were for a pressure chamber”
*turns coal into diamond*
*hitler leans in close to the mic* and the next person to question me gets executioned
*grammar nazi bites lip*
When I die I want my hearse to play ice cream truck music
I recently started a band called 999 Megabytes. We’re good but we haven’t got a gig yet.
“How about I throw in some IKEA furniture?” I say, to Sweden the deal.
I hope in my next life I come back as a dog so my pills will be wrapped in cheese
I’m at my most ninja when the motion sensor sink don’t work.