If the government implants a tracking device on me the only useful information they are going to get is how many times I actually pee in a day.
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cat lawyer slowly pushing the opposing lawyer’s evidence off the courtroom table
I wish they had an app that allows you to delete your number from other ppl’s phones.
My son is 6’2” and he just said loudly from another room “god I can smell my feet from here and I’m standing up” so yes, I will be burning those shoes
A man I dated briefly 12 years ago sent me a message yesterday and I was reminded of our first date where he brought me an elaborate gift bag that contained a single potato
Son: Being an adult is easier
Me: No way, childhood is
Both: I WISH WE COULD SWITCH PLACES
*Shooting star flies overhead*
Son: Wait this sucks
Me: No take backs
[Home Depot]
“Hi, my wife asked me to pick up some small finishing nails”
Clerk: Oh, with a little head?
“Nah, just verbally”
I feel like movies exaggerate men’s enthusiasm for having meaningful conversations while playing pool.
what if pizza rolls grew into full size pizzas when u put them in water like those dinosaur bath toys
Boyfriend: you want to go see the new Star Wars?
Me: I LOVE STAR WARS
BF: which was your fav
Me: duh, Sorcerer’s Stone
The fact that my AC suggests “church” after “I’m heading to…” suggests I have a dumb phone instead of a smart phone.
Arrange marriage are scary. What if my husband doesn’t like my boyfriend? 🙄
Give a man a baby, and he’ll eat for a day. Teach a man to baby, and i think this saying only works for fish actually.
I know this intervention is serious business but I see absolutely no snacks here.
🎶Well you can tell by the way I clumsy walk
I’m an awkward girl, don’t wanna talk
Mumble sounds, eyes look down
I’ve been trippin ’round since I was born
And it’s all right, it’s okay
Please just look the other way
🎶
She has style. She has grace. She has mayonnaise on her face
My lawyer said I broke the record for how many times the word mayonnaise was used in a will at 13 times. The previous record was zero.
no one:
not a soul:
my daughter: if I ever get rich I’m going to buy a family crypt for all of us because we don’t want random dead people buried around us
Imagine the headless horsemen only its me running into everything waving my arms while trying to get my head through my sweater before bed.
That depressing moment when you start your car to go to work and it doesn’t explode.
Professor, clearing his throat:
“With the loss of cursive writing in the schools, it no longer became possible to effectively write on the snow in urine (urine being a single stream medium). Thus another level of achievement in English-speaking culture was lost forever.”
I just want everyone to know that my two-year old insisted on being “pants” for Halloween…
date: what do u do
me: well u know big bird
date: omg. u play him
me: no *places a crossbow on the table* i hunt him
Girl at engineering school: I’m like the single-most clumsy person
[5 male engineering students emerge from bushes]
“Did you say single?”
What do you want to be when you grow up?
other kids: firefighter, doctor, scientist…
my 9yo: I’m gonna sell my Pokémon cards on the streets of New York.
What’s a retweet called now?
I vote Xerox.
My 4 year old daughter is in the tub screaming song requests at Alexa like a drunk divorcee
I’m wondering if other dogs are afraid of Saint Bernards. Not like dog fighting, but morally.
Guys; if she stops responding to your messages for days, 100% of the time it’s a technical problem. Keep trying.