If the government implants a tracking device on me the only useful information they are going to get is how many times I actually pee in a day.
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I am so proud to be part of a society that needs television commercials to remind us not to lock our kids in hot cars.
me: *throwing a fudgie the whale cake into the ocean* HAPPY BIRTHDAY EARTH
Him: I’m leaving you
Me: is it because I constantly misquote Shakespeare?
Him: you compared me to a Summer’s Eve™…
Me: parting is such sweet and sour 🙁
Why did they call it bacon fat and not oinkment omg I’m so sorry
Accidentally put Red Bull in my coffee maker this morning. I was going 130 mph down the interstate when I realized that I forgot my car.
they probably named the Rocky mountains first and then saw all the other mountains and were like “oh”
medusa but her hair is an anaconda
I do this awesome move at the dance club with my shoulders where i slump them down and go back to my hotel and violently masturbate
Me: Ohhh, MARITAL arts workshop…now I really feel stupid in this karate outfit.
Wife to therapist: Do you see what I’m dealing with here?
“Don’t kid yourself.”
—birth control advert
I need to find a way to politely tell the new girl that- how can I put this delicately?- aliens can smell her perfume in space.
WIFE: I’ve child-proofed the house
*our child walks in*
ME: Yeah, great job, Linda
Saw a long chin hair and tried to pluck it with my nails but instead, curled it like a ribbon
Apologizing after bumping into a mannequin is embarrassing, but apologizing a second time is significantly worse when the mannequin moves and you realize you just said “sorry, I thought you were a person” to a live human being
Me: ‘I just want to do something spontaneous.’
Combustion: ‘We’ll see.’
Big brouhaha at the farmer’s market today when the fishstand guy set up next to the candle lady and no one could smell her candles and her boyfriend the homemade soap guy tried to intervene but ended up buying a fresh cut salmon.
Most of those “my OF is just…” jokes are actually brilliant ideas I’d pay to see. Baking cookies topless? That sounds very entertaining
4yo: mom the whistle makes my brain hurt
me: same
4yo: *blows whistle again*
Me [at the stove for 14 hours]: well it’s true, a watched pot never boils
Wife: you’re supposed to put water in it
Saw a TV at the dumpster with a sign that said ‘free TV’ and boy do I feel stupid, I paid $200 for the last TV sitting at a dumpster
The whole internet loves Milkshake Duck, a lovely duck that drinks milkshakes! *5 seconds later* We regret to inform you the duck is racist
It’s the year 2354, the world is now like that futuristic Bruce Willis movie.
No, the other one.
No, the other one.
No, the other one.
No,
Eating scrambled eggs directly off the bathroom floor to demonstrate my faith in modern cleaning products
me to my boyfriend: hey hey you you i don’t like your girlfriend
ME: Can I borrow your car?
FRIEND: You already borrowed my car.
ME: *nervously* Can I borrow another one?
*1st dinner date*
Me: waiter, can I get the bill-
Her: I love sophisticated guys
Me: I mean *coughs* waiter can I get the… william?
Be the reason why the lights flicker when you enter a room
lost boys: how’d the prank on captain hook go?
peter pan: oh you guys are gonna love this HAHA I cut off his hand LOL and i FED IT TO THE CROCODILE 🙂
lost boys:
peter pan: so funny
lost boys: you’re a sociopath
Barista: Hangover?
Me: Motherhood.
Hairdresser: what’ll it be
Me: a haircut, dipshit