If the government wants me to work so bad then they should give me a job at the unemployment office
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Friend “Listen to this. I had wine delivered the other night and I ended up having sex with the delivery guy”
Me “There’s WINE delivery?”
You rolling your eyes doesn’t mean I’m going to stop talking
Dog; Why do you put my treats so high up?
Me: Because if I didn’t, you’d be able to get them
Dog: Hey, I’m just trying to save you the hassle. Excuse me for caring.
Next time, I will just serve my guests pretty envelopes with the stories I’ve learned searching for a new recipe.
I bought the wrong kind of compass. Now I’m lost in the middle of nowhere drawing perfect circles.
At this point the only way a handsome man’s ever going to chase me through an airport is if I steal his bag off the carousel.
Sometimes I think there is no hope for us 🥴
Science has enough bodies I’m donating mine to English lit just to spice things up a bit
If they are stale enough you could easily kill two birds with one scone
Sorry I was late for our date. The wheels in my heelies got stuck in a storm grate again.
If you get a new job before you quit your old one, it’s considered responsible.
But if you do that with your gf, it’s called “cheating.”
[killer in horror movie suddenly appears]
me: *sighing* ugh I JUST sat down
That awkward moment when the poltergeist in the TV calls you by the wrong name.
idk flipping houses looks really hard
“Eat cheese and sin.”
This is… the best street art sticker I’ve ever seen?!
Panicked when I saw “Godzilla” was trending, until I found out there’s a movie.
trust me bro, no woman has ever looked at your tinder profile and gone “i wish he was holding me like he’s holding that fish”
I noticed you were watching as I struggled to find my mouth with my straw. Glad we could share that moment.
If you can’t beat them
Just try sunny side up
I think airplanes would be way cooler if the wings flapped like a bird
reverse girlcow, because i’m drunk.
If you’re out shopping today I’m a size Nordstrom gift card
It’s really funny that if you drown someone in a toilet in Hitman the authorities chalk it up to being an accidental death
[High school reunion]
Person: “Are you wearing the same clothes you wore on our last day of school?”
Me: “You told me to never change.”
Sorry I didn’t hear a word you just said-I was looking at your man bun and all I could think of was cinnamon rolls.
Can’t, holding a grudge
My dog is always so happy to see me in the morning. I’m sure it’s 90% because I’m letting him out to pee but that other 10% is all me.
[first day as a pilot]
control tower: what are your coordinates
me: I’m by a cloud that looks like a lion
control tower: can you be more specific
me: simba
[my kid while eating a hard boiled egg]
mommy, what flavor is the yellow part?