Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

grotesque if literal: baby food

[quickly jumps into the back of a cab]
ME: How far will this get me? *i hand the driver 14 peanut m&ms with the chocolate sucked off*

Dual Citizenship: citizenship of two countries concurrently.

Duel Citizenship: a contest for citizenship between two people with deadly weapons.

The bathroom just ran out of paper towels, so obviously I had to wipe my hands on the next person I passed in the hallway.

My friend reckons he’s going to make a fortune flying people about in his invisible aeroplane. I can’t see it taking off.

Thursday, 4:01pm

“Still there.”
“Yep.”
“Looks blue.”
“It certainly does.”
“Wet too.”
“Totally.”
“See you next week?”
“Count on it.”

Today is going to be a good day. I can feel it.

*finds there’s no coffee*

{Mood swing in 3…2…1…}

“Is he going to be my new dad?” – My 20 y. o. son any time I speak to any man for any reason.

Who named it “push-up bra” instead of “abracadabra” ??

A girl drinks 4 cosmos over a span of 60 minutes. 25 mins later, she texts 3 of her besties. How many emojis will she use? Show your work.

“don’t worry about a thing”

“why”

“’cause every little thing gonna be all right”

“what about all the big things”

“ooh forgot about big things”

I’m eating quinoa for lunch so I better wake up skinny tomorrow because I’m not doing this again

Staring sadly at the empty ice cream bowl that’s too small for licking..

FACT: if a cop says FREEZE and then you say “now everybody clap yo hands” he has to drop his gun and clap and then you can get away.

Check out this image, then fill in the blank:
“All these two cared about was ____________”

Finish the sentence here:

📷: elevasseur

i’d imagine the sound of clowns having sex would just be a cacophony of bicycle horns

Tried using a time machine to go back to my wedding day & talk some sense into a much younger me, but I got the date wrong.

I start conversations with my children by saying “Listen to me,” to ensure they stop paying attention from the beginning.

Putting glasses on a Mr. Potato Head and asking if he’s just gonna be a spec tater his whole life.

I spend a lot of time alone

My Car would not run, neighbor said it was a problem with the stringy thing..Took it to a Quantum Mechanic and he disagreed w string theory

Take one positive friend and one negative friend with you on your next road trip. That way when your battery dies, you can hook cables to them and start your car

My doctor told me, “If you don’t quit smoking, it doesn’t really matter how poorly you eat” and that was the best day of my life.

“Full House fans have found a 1993 episode of the show called “Be True To Your Preschool”. In it, Loughlin’s Aunt Becky stops Uncle Jesse (John Stamos) from lying to get their toddler twins into an ‘elite preschool'”

AAAAAAAAAAHAHAHAHAHA

I do this weird thing where I feel fabulous then I have to get out of bed

You know you’re from New Jersey when going through security & they only wand your hair!

MR. PEANUT: so you expect me to help sell members of my own kind to be eaten by humans?

BOSS: yeah. you get to wear a top hat and a monocle tho

MR. PEANUT: throw in some gloves and a cane and you’ve got yourself a deal

business 101 classes:
– touching base
– getting on the same page
– drilling down

business 201 classes:
– circling back
– leveraging
– running it up the flagpole

business 301 classes:
– using your rich dad’s connections

Statistics Magic: We interviewed 2000 people that have
played Russian Roulette 🔫 before. All 100% of them survived the game.
💯

Conclusion: Russian Roulette is completely safe to play!
🎯 🥳

#stats

me: where’s the harm? It’s just a little treat

my bank account: you said the same thing 100 little treats ago

Do mens sneezes get louder and louder as they age until they explode?