If the grocery store didn’t want me to climb shelves then they wouldn’t put things so up so high.
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So when a bear steals a picnic basket it’s “endearing” and “funny” but when I do it it’s “rude” and “unsanitary”
I was just enviously admiring the energy and flexibility of a 3yo and then he kneed himself in the face.
I wonder if the guy who came up with the term “One Hit Wonder” came up with any other phrases.
Most women put a bun on the top of their head, they look like a ballerina. I do it and I’m Tweetybird’s Granny from Looney Tunes.
Good morning to everyone except people that eat while leaving you a voicemail.
Urine for a real treat today.
-Toilets
A lady at the store was returning a dozen donuts. I’ve never been so confused. What kind of monster does that?
I’m at my most cat-like when I’m starting a roll of toilet paper.
me: [lists something on fb marketplace for $400 that’s worth $1,000 new.]
person: take $6??
I call bullshit, airport baby changing station! I wanted an Asian baby but I’m stuck with the white kid I flew in with.
If you want to know how old my daughter is it’s “won’t talk on the phone if I’m in the room” years old
Twitter’s original name was “Sentence Contest”
Good news, people in 3rd world countries, suffering inexplicable hardships- Amy from fb says god won’t give you more than you can handle.
“Would you rather eat a pound of bricks or a matter baby?” he asks.
“What’s a matter baby?” I ask.
I’m shown a newborn so dense the fabric of space-time sags in a deep gravity well; objects within the event horizon are drawn inextricably to it.
“Uhhhhhh… The bricks, I guess?”
guys PLEEEAAASEEE does anyone have the original pic of this thread it’s been on my mind for 2 days now
I guess if macaroni had to be named after a body part, elbow was better than some other options.
I was at the post office and someone at the back of the line said “do you mind if I skip to the front? I just need to mail a package” and the bravest man in the world said “do you think we’re all here for fun?”
Boss: Since it’s a long weekend, you can leave early today.
Me: [left 3 hours ago]
BUT YOU SAID IF I WANTED TO BE YOUR LOVER, I HAD TO GET WITH YOUR FRIENDS!
Me: I like how you dyed all the meat green for St. Patrick’s Day.
Chipotle manager: It’s St. Patrick’s Day?
I was overcharged by a plumber!
So, I’ve been secretly training a gorilla to roll barrels at people.
Tomorrow, we’re kidnapping his girl.
Girlfriend: hey babe you wanna get breakfast and go for a run?
(Cut to me with a mouth full of Doritos)
Me: I have shin splints
me: are you guys going to publish my book on negotiating
publisher: no
me: ok
*brings donuts to work*
Co-worker: I have a gluten allergy, so I have to watch what I eat.
Me: Cool, then you can WATCH me eat this donut.
Do you think it’s possible to train a hedgehog to walk up an down the table with cubes of cheese on it’s spikes? I’m giving a dinner party.
I was cleaning one of my finger guns and accidentally blew a hole through my air guitar.
At least he tried.. twice.. 😅
They: ‘ Where are you from?’
Me: ‘I’m from 80s.’
Zordon: go find me some high schoolers
Assistant: but wouldn’t the Power Rangers be more powerful if they were adults?
Zordon: NO! *breathing heavily* and make them wear spandex