if the groundhog comes out without a mask its 6 more months of quarantine
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HUNGOVER IN YOUR 20s
[takes tylenol and goes about the day]
HUNGOVER IN YOUR 30s
[writing letter] Dearest Penelope, I fear this may be the final time I am blessed to feel the warmth of the sun upon my breast. I grow more weary by the moment, and prospects for survival are slim
I can’t believe Disney didn’t call it “2 Frozen 2 Flurrious.”
MOM: Your father was abducted by aliens last night.
ME: [about to adjust thermostat] Oh no.
[meanwhile in ufo]
ALIEN: What do you mean we have to turn around?
DAD: Somethings wrong I can’t explain it.
To the person who got hold of my voodoo doll.
Stop feeding it!
#Fitness #Diet #RubbishJokes
#SaturdayMorning
I hope I don’t die of something stupid like old age, I want a piano to fall on my head.
Of all of the profound disappointments that I have faced in my life, be they personal or professional, none is more firmly fixed in my mind, nor more likely to have caused my deeply-rooted trust issues, than the discovery at age four that Play-Doh doesn’t taste the way it smells.
Last night the Ghosts of Halloween Past, Present and Future visited me and all had the same message: Don’t eat 5 bags of Reese’s Pumpkins again this year.
🤭😂
[first day as a botany professor]
me: who can tell me why plants release pollen in the spring?
student: to reproduce?
me: wrong. it’s to torture me specifically
Husband: Did you eat the leftovers?
Me: No.
H: Who did then?
Me: Ninjas.
H: (sigh) There are no ninjas.
Me: They’re very good ninjas.
Did you just pronounce “etc.” as “eg-sed-ra”, sir?
Me: I’m loving this, look at us, we’re practically finishing each other’s….
Her: …Fries ?
Me: Yeah, we’re done here!
Current anxiety level: kindergartner who can’t unbutton his pants
8 out of 24 Americans cannot reduce a fraction.
So rude of the public to always be there whenever I go out.
mugger: gimme all your cash
me: lmao my what
People used to laugh when I said I wanted to be a standup comic. Well, no one’s laughing now. Wait.
i have a lot to offer! most of it’s bad but it’s still a lot
First day as a 911 operator:
“whoa, whoa, stop yelling. You called ME, remember?”
*sets cauldron over crackling fire*
*adds lock of his hair*
*does magicky stuff*Now love me.
**POOF**
*my left eyebrow falls off*
Don’t trust anyone that orders a Medium Pizza….
i’m getting my wisdom teeth taken out on monday. i know most people get this procedure done when they’re like 16 but i think the move is waiting to do it when you’re 25 and depressed cause then you can appreciate the drugs a lot more
I’m at the age where a “movie marathon” means .75 movies
I’ve been calling my wife “honey” for 12 years because I don’t know how to tell her I forgot her name.
Why do I have so many emails?
I don’t mean mail, I mean addresses.
[High school reunion]
Classmate: I’ve been out building schools in Africa
Me: I got banned from the zoo for gluing sideburns onto a dolphin
Trainer: What kind of shape would you say your body is in?
Me: Butternut Squash
DO NOT ATTEMPT TO SURGICALLY CHANGE YOUR SON’S BONES TO STEEL LIKE WOLVERINE. THERE WILL BE A LOT OF QUESTIONS.
So according to the news today apparently Facebook is still a thing