if the groundhog comes out without a mask its 6 more months of quarantine
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Loan Officer: And the reason for the loan?
Me: I need printer ink.
Purgatory is like approaching a flashing stoplight. The light at the end of the tunnel is blinking and no one knows what to do.
Yeah… My camera adds 30 pounds. But Photoshop takes it back off.
Them: How much would you have to win in the lottery to quit your job?
Me: At this point I’d probably walk if I won a free coffee in McDonalds Monopoly
I woke up at 3am last night, and still half asleep, had a thought that I JUST HAD TO WRITE DOWN. Pretty sure I’d just won the Internet, I fell back asleep.
In the morning, I was greeted with this gem on my phone:
“2 ninjas are called a pair of sneakers.”
You’re all welcome.
Son, your mom and I have been fighting a lot lately and we have decided that *dad piledrives mom into the coffee table* we’re gonna go pro.
By my second “could we change the subject?” I could feel the job interview going south.
My kid said that she doesn’t have diarrhea, but she might have alittlesickarrhea
For a good party trick, drill a hole in the top of your medicine cabinet and fill it with marbles before you invite people over.
Watching Dirty Dancing as a teenager: Damn right nobody puts baby in a corner
Watching Dirty Dancing as an adult: That child needs to be handcuffed to one of her parents at all times
I’ll never forget my grandad’s last words on his deathbed.
He said: “I should never have bought this deathbed. Asking for trouble…”
I wonder how long until my guy friends figure out I only invite them over to kill bugs for me
Reminds me of the old Steven Wright joke about a baby with a diary. “Day 1: Still tired from the move. Day 2: Everybody talks to me like I’m an idiot”
Is Ham short for Hamuel or Hamantha?
Won “Typo of the Moth” again at work.
you idiots are out here getting your wisdom teeth removed. me? i am having more added. where did you think yours were going? that’s right, my mouth. i have 107 wisdom teeth now. my wisdom has never been higher. i am realizing for the first time that this was not a good idea
me: can I get a hug?
bartender: *checking cocktail list*
I’d pay a premium to stay in a hotel that dispensed knockout gas when it sensed loud hallway talkers.
Tip from my mom:
Always wear your bathrobe when at home.
Then if somebody stops by unexpectedly you’re “just about to hop in the shower”.
“Remember Robert from work?”
Yeah..he was a douche.
“He died.”
WHAT?!? OMG..He was such a nice guy!
[restaurant]
WAITRESS: Would you like a lunch menu or a dinner menu?
ME: No thanks. I don’t eat menus.
Not sure why “Cats” didn’t work, it follows a classic 3 act structure —
ACT ONE: Cats introduce themselves
ACT TWO: Cats continue to introduce themselves
ACT THREE: Unclear
*scrawls note on deserted isle*
TRAPPED ON ISLAND! HELP ME!
*sends off in bottle*
*it returns, months later, with reply*
NEW BOTTLE WHO DIS?
When my middle school English teacher didn’t know the word “anecdote,” it became my first successful field test of discretion vs. valor.
if you’re going to go around calling pets “fur babies” I’m going to call real kids “skin babies”
GIRL: what’s your sign
ME: [silently pointing up to the glowing Arbys logo in the distance]
Stopped drinking coffee 3 days ago, and feel less and less addicted to caffeine with every new cup of my own pee.
Overheard a baby crying in the grocery store the other day so I went over and joined him. I get it little dude, life is hard
FIREFIGHTER: You need to get out of here [dodges falling support beam] right now!
ME: [staring at toaster waiting for pop tart] come on come on
I’m sick of following my dreams. I’m just going to ask them where they’re going and hook up with them later.