The date was going so well until he called me gorgeous and I blew a bubble out of my nose on accident.
You Might Also Like
Any movie can be a Christmas movie if you eat 37 sugar cookies while watching.
pretty sure no other member of my family knows we own a dishwasher
I feel this so hard
Cop – Have you been drinking?
Me – No, just taking my photo with R2D2 here.
Cop – Sir that’s a fire hydrant.
Autocorrect says I am currently: all out of ducks to give, most of you are full of shot, twitter is overrun by aunts and life is a birch
If you’re not going to offer booze at your wedding, at least have the decency to provide a wifi password.
Was standing in my front yard this evening and some neighborhood kids tried to deflate me.
Not sure why I am thinking tonight about our elderly neighbor when I was 7, who had giant bountiful pear trees on his property. One day he stopped by unexpectedly with a bushel of pears, and after my mom, surprised and delighted, had thanked him, he handed her a bill for them.
I used to eat a lot of natural foods until I learned that most people die of natural causes.
Dispatcher:
“The call is coming from inside the house!”Me, seconds from murdered:
“I have a landline?”
According to the law it’s not appropriate to put a bounty on my boss. I actually thought it showed great initiative and leadership.
[couple who talks via walkie talkie]
GIRL: [into walkie] this relationship is over, over
GUY: *cries into walkie* it’s roger isn’t it?? over
Ruin your teenagers day by looking in their general direction.
Yesterday, Trump spoke to two female American astronauts while they were in space. Not only did they make history being the first crew to perform an all-woman spacewalk, they also made history by being the first women to speak to Trump at a distance that was probably pretty safe.
I asked my friend what keeps her up at night. She answered, “helium.” Also, my friend is a balloon.
Damn girl, are you a desk? Cause I’m not exactly sure how to pick you up
I told my wife I wanted to be cremated. She made me an appointment for tomorrow afternoon.
An air mattress is great when you want to sleep on the floor but not right away.
Breaking up with random numbers is my new hobby.
Always the camel, never the toe.
I was nerding out to a friend over something Harry Potter related in the pub and now the bartender keeps asking me “what can I get you, Gryffindork?”
The most important thing I learned from working at the bank is which lollipop flavor tastes the best.
Saw someone simultaneously walking while writing on a pad of paper.
I yelled at them to text and drive like a normal person.
[walks in meeting late]
“Sorry I was busy with important-”
SIRI (from pocket): OK here’s what I found on the web for are hot dogs sandwiches
Would you like to learn about the Mormon Church?
“No thanks.”
Don’t judge too quickly. We have a lot of sects…
“WHERE DO I SIGN UP?”
It’s just like my grandma used to tell me, never teach a monkey martial arts
I’m a real gym rat (i go there at night and eat their garbage)
Me: [selling like-new truck on Facebook Marketplace for $27k]
Buyer message: $50
In the United States a man gets kicked in the groin every 6.2 seconds. I would hate to be that man.