If the hand soap isn’t for drinking why do they put a straw in the bottle?
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Never once has a guy said, “She’s cute but I wish her eyelashes would be so big they’d weigh down her eyelids”
I came home to a trail of bread leading to the bedroom & of course I followed, only to find my husband in bed with 10 ducks. I’m heartbroken
“Sorry I’m late”
Why are there scratches all over your face?
“Jujitsu training”
You can scratch in jujitsu?
“It’s my cat’s best move”
You guys, this guy on Dateline says I shouldn’t make friends with people on the internet because they might not be who they say they are. Is this true?
I love when I make people laugh so hard they spit out their water…
Or food…
Or baby…
#JustToMakeYouLaughToday
Is my carry on stretching the limits?![]()
wtf is this choreography 😭😭😭
Why is the gynecologist tool called a speculum and not a “snatchula”?
People obsessed with how much I bench need to #chill. It’s not like Coke publishes their recipe online for morrons to study.
My daughter is texting her cousin and just asked me to spell “hallucinations” should I be worried? It’s probably fine
Nobody talks about how much of a newborn dad’s job is literally being a chair
Just realized I only had one meal today. One, thirteen-hour meal.
[on Mars]
Curiosity Rover: *finds ancient cat remains* ohhh man I just know I’m gonna get blamed for this
Adoption agency: so did you have any specific ideas of who you want to adopt? Age? Gender?
Dave Seville: do you have three anthropomorphic chipmunks?
Am I relying on you to cover up all these blood stains after murdering my ex?
BLEACH I MIGHT BE
Donald Trump’s campaign is basically that thing where you say the wrong answer in Pictionary then just keep saying it louder and louder
Getting a cat is SO much easier. Go outside. Put cat food out. Pet whatever comes to eat it. Best 30 raccoons I’ve ever had. Also rabies.
#ICertainlyCouldntLiveWithout apparently an uneven fight…🤷♀️
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Oh no, a login from a new device? And that device is my phone? My one and only phone that I and I alone use to log in several times every single day? And the geographical location is my *house*, you say? Thank you so much for warning me I will contact interpol
Is it the 5 second rule or the 10 second rule?
Well, either way, I wouldn’t worry too much about any germs. Here’s your baby back.
Me: I’m feeling short of breath.
Her: Maybe it’s because you just climbed the stairs after eating an entire party-sized bag of chips?
Me: *rolls eyes* I didn’t put the chips in my lungs, Brenda.
My computer is frozen. Unfortunately it looks like moving my mouse around in circles did absolutely nothing to fix the problem.
doctor: describe your morning routine
me: denial, anger, bargaining, depression, acceptance
doctor: m-o-r-n-i-n-g
me: I know how to spell it
*looks gift horse in the mouth
Gift Horse: Hey, my eyes are up here.
There’s nothing my kid can’t do. Except anything I tell him.
I really admire my daughter’s restraint. When we were reunited after a week apart she waited 5 whole minutes before asking what I brought her
Husband: My mom will be over in 30 minutes.
Me: *immediately starts cleaning the kitchen*
Husband: *immediately starts cleaning the one closet nobody goes in*
My stalker just threatened to kill herself if I can’t love her back. It’s nice when problems resolve themselves.
Thanks a lot bathroom doors with the gender written in weird symbols. I just want to pee, not solve a sudoku puzzle.