If the hand soap isn’t for drinking why do they put a straw in the bottle?
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When John Wick misses his wife and dog, Keanu Grieves
The Matrix Reloaded was a good movie, Keanu Believes.
If he stole, he’d be Keanu Thieves.
When he’s sick, Keanu Heaves.
He is Keanu Reeves.
Don’t let hippos sniff mopeds
Or a deer chew your bike
Hide big wheels from gators
They know what they like
Geese love to rub rowboats
Ducks will tickle your van
Rabbits snuggle with tractors
Whenever they can
Squirrels smooch skateboards
If a door’s left ajar
And whatever you do
Me: Do you ever get the feeling that people are laughing at you behind your back?
My husband: Not really
Me: You’re not very perceptive
We could all be hibernating right now but noooooo we have to be “adults” with “responsibilities”
If Optimus Prime led a Transformers symphony, would he be a semi conductor?
Turns out my get rich painfully slow scheme isn’t working out either.
Psychologist: Let’s play a word association game. I’ll say a word, you say what springs to mind
Rainbows
Me: I hope my ex dies in a fire.
*reads an article on a subject I know* This is bullshit
*reads an article on a subject I don’t know* If it’s published it must be accurate
Two eggs, some bacon, and a piece of toast walk into a bar. The bartender says, hey! We don’t serve breakfast here. #Tellyourworstjoke
Sometimes you look at an ex and think maybe they’re not so bad. And then they start to talk and remind you why you hate them.
Who called baby elephants calves and not inphants
[45 minutes after seeing someone fall down the stairs]
You OK?
lol no thanks my tires rotate themselves every day
“And now it’s time for Guess How Many Belly Rubs I Want! Remember, contestants, guess wrong and you get the claws!”
– Cat game shows
I am glad that things are opening up again. Now when I get told to go play in traffic, there actually is traffic.
*meets someone from France*
I’m a big fan of your toast!
hello pervert is such a strong opener
You have this moment of realization that you have zero survival skills. If you’re like me, you do nothing with this information.
My best acting work to date? has 2 be yesterday when I realized I was walking the wrong direction so I pretended to get a text message that changed EVERYTHING and FORCED me to turn around and walk the other way.
My dentist asked how school was and I said “great” because that’s much easier than “oh I actually dropped out because I’ve effectively monetized a twitter account where I numerically objectify dogs”
Me: Try to make a sandwich while doing a handstand.
Genie: That’s not really a wish, you know.
Me: I said handstandwich!
[After sitting for a portrait for 18 hours] Where’s the artist?
To anybody who thinks being self-employed means you don’t have to work for a boss you hate, I have terrible news
me: our son was just arrested for a violent crime
wife: omg battery?
me: about 90% but focus
The TV show Reacher answers the age-old question: what if there was a really big guy
I’m not saying I’m getting fat, but my dirty talk in bed is mostly just recipes for pies.
I love triscuits. It’s like eating a basket
I let my son go to bed last night with his Nintendo Switch and he called me a good dad. This parenting shit is easy!
girls w long ass hair love to cut three inches off and be like “i love my short hair omg it’s so short”
Kids are eating leftover cotton candy for breakfast, day 4 of summer break.
Let’s see what next week brings, other than Child Services.