Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Horned lizards can squirt blood out of their eyes when threatened by predators, but my enemies have to be satisfied with my regular tears.

4: Water!

Me: Ask me nicely

4: Actually, I’ll get it myself

me: *barges into the room*
how dare you accuse me of eavesdropping!

“if I am joking you would be laughing, do you look like you are laughing? “

My wife says the kids look just like their father…

…and if I ever find out who he is, he’s got some explaining to do

I’m just saying, the ratio of people who say they “make their own sauce” doesn’t correlate with the amount of sauce available in stores

It’s said that it takes 43 muscles to frown, but only 17 to smile which is why my face is ripped as hell

Me: I love you so much

Calories: I love you more

6YO: Can I eat a cookie?

Me: Finish your dinner first

6YO: My stomach is full except for a circle shaped space

As a kid: I can’t wait to stay up late and no one can tell me when to go to bed

Me at 41: ope my fitness device just said it’s bedtime. I better go.

If my next of kin takes a nap..
Can i call him Napkin?

I love it when websites pop up a box to make me subscribe to read, and I always enter my real email address because it’s important.

POLICE SKETCH ARTIST: is this the man who robbed u
*holds up picture of himself*
ME: yes
POLICE SKETCH ARTIST: give me ur wallet
ME: dang it

me, standing over a dead body with a scalpel: this is fun isn’t it?

coworker: um. this just isn’t what I had in mind when you asked me to open mike night

And in that moment, she decided to stand up for herself

Never again would she do what Simon said

Her: Stop undressing me with your looks.
Me: Sorry! There, I just redressed you.
Her: You idiot. I wasn’t wearing this!

Me *texting* I found a genie!

Wife: ok don’t do anything stupid

Me *finishing my 3rd taco* like what

I have a dream that my son will one day live in a nation where he will not be judged by the size of his boat but by the motion of his ocean.

Can you imagine getting the girl of dream’s phone number and her first text to you she spells it “defantely”

Jesus was the original child star who fell in with the wrong crowd and died young.

“We’re not lost!” Dad would insist, despite Mom’s complaints that “This isn’t on the map” and “We shouldn’t be seeing the ocean from Tulsa.”

If drinking too much alcohol makes you an alcoholic, does drinking too much Fanta make you fantastic?

My daughter decided to put press on nails before a cooking party so I’m really looking forward to the crunchy cake she brings home.

pilot: we’re about to crash

passengers: OMG

pilot: this wedding

passengers: phew

pilot: cause we’re gonna run into this church

I had a coworker who had the annoying habit of constantly clearing his throat. Add corduroy pants and squeaky shoes and he was a one-man marching band.

surgeon: we’re only allowing family right now

olive garden waitstaff: yeah that’s why we’re here

this kid says there was a weird sweaty man in the ball pit but I was in there and didn’t see him

Today my youngest has her “preschool graduation,” and oh, how I will try to control my tears*

*of joy that she will be in school full day come fall

I’m gonna open a French fusion hotdog shop and call it:

“Oui-ners”

I think the first person to see a pug was like wait why is that sweet potato snorting?