Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

*bother*
*bother*
*bother*
“WHY ARE YOU BEING SO MEAN TO ME FOR NO REASON”

Real terror is the moment when you realize you’re about to sneeze with sore abs

I don’t simply want to kill a mosquito, I want to bite them back over and over to make them itch

This Amber Alert has gone off 4 times today.
I bet the people with hidden prison phones are shitting themselves right about now. 😬

gandalf: shadowfax, show us the meaning of haste

shadowfax: *holds up a dictionary with its front hooves* I can’t read

Washing machine doesn’t give a shit

[as a lawyer]

me: “permission to approach the bench, your honor”

judge: “granted”

me, whispering: “are you mad at me?”

Next time you kill thousands of innocent people in a disaster, tell the judge you “work in mysterious ways” and see how far it gets you.

(Item doesn’t scan)

Me: Does that mean it’s free?

Cashier: You’re literally the 100th person to use that line today.

Me: Does being the 100th person to use that line today mean I get it for free?

What’s your standard response when you’re using a public restroom and someone knocks on the door? Because I just knocked on one and the person inside simply KNOCKED BACK. This feels like a game changer.

What I say: Maybe.

What my kid hears: Yes. Definitely yes. Pinky promise. Blood oath. It was written in the stars 11 billion years ago.

shaved my legs in case there’s someone hot and single aboard the ufo

Pro tip: if you show up nude to the Zoom meeting, you don’t have to do anymore zoom meetings.

Florida mom delivers 14-pound baby after surprise pregnancy .

Florida?? NO PART of this story surprises me.

[first day at ninja school]
*wonders if i’m in the right room as i can’t see or hear anyone else*

I don’t think the comings and goings of Cotton eyed Joe warrant a whole song.

My husband brought home a 55 gallon drum from work and I’ve never felt more insulted. I could fit in smaller.

Texts “Are you okay?” Blink 3 times. No need to reply.

i just saw a black girl rt one of those teenage girl accounts saying “i honestly wish I was a teen in the 50’s”………. no u don’t

Parents: Your room is a mess.

Me: You really need to see my life.

I have friends close enough to finish my sentences, but if they keep doing that, I will hang up on them.

Rudolph with your nose so bright/help me find my phone tonight

Me: “Now I lay me down to sleep. I pray the Lord my soul to keep…”

The Lord: “You still have that?”

Instead of saying, “Someone’s in here” when a person tries to open your bathroom stall door, try one of these fun alternatives:

1. “Leave the package at the door.”
2. “I TOLD YOU IT’S OVER!”
3. “Larry?”

My Coworker Bryce lost his license and now has to ride his bike into work and he didn’t even laugh when I called him Brycycle

WIFE: This is dumb.
DAUGHTER: This is so stupid.
ME: This is getting out of hand!
THIS: [leaping out of my palm] I HATE YOU GUYS I’M LEAVING

*Prosecution points to badger*: Objection! This animal has no place in court!
Defense: Your honor, the badger is prosecuting the witness

I don’t want to say that my fiancé is controlling.. it’s more that she’s BEAUTIFUL GUYS I HAVE TO GO

I remember when you had to subscribe to Reader’s Digest to read jokes this bad.