If the headline just read “Kanye West Acts Like a Shithead,” news sites could reuse it over and over again.
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What I like about humanity is that certain mustaches are more evil than others, and everyone basically agrees on which ones are which.
mcdonalds: may I take your order
cronus: I’ll have the kids meal
Me: Can you help me with something?
Her: Not right now. I’m taking a nap.
Me: But your eyes are open and your phone is playing game music…
Her: Sshhhh, I’m sleeping!
“It says on your profile you’re part of an orchestra? What instrument do you play?”
“Gun”
Met someone on Craigslist, guess I’m dating a grill now.
Me: Oh this is a cute selfie!
Brain: Look again
Me: No, you’re right I’m a monster
Brain: As you were
Me: Yes ma’am
HOW TO DISPOSE OF BATTERIES
– set them aside until you can look up how to dispose of batteries
– find them 3 months later
– look both ways
– slip them into the trash
When you go out with a couple on the brink of divorce.
You hear a lot about golden retriever boyfriends but not girlfriends. I am one. Always excited to see you, motivated by treats and pets, constantly shedding
Son: daddy why is the sky blue?
Me: it’s probably sad that people ask questions that they could have just googled
[trying extremely hard not to say it]
deviled egg nog
[crime scene]
Detective: Not only has the victim been decapitated the head is nowhere to be found.
Praying Mantis: *burps*
I found him like that. I swear.Detective *narrows eyes suspiciously * Put this down as a possible sex crime.
Business plan :
1. hold sign that says “free hugs”2. Whisper during the hug, “it’s $50 to let go”
I can’t tell if my baby is a slow clapper or is starting a slow clap to mock my parenting.
my lawyer: ok brent we are all here
me at the reading of my will I insisted I do thru ouija board: *takes ten minutes to spell out good evening*
1970s: “Hey baby”
1990s: “Hey babe”
2014: “Hey bae”
2020: “Hey b”
2030: “All hail our glorious squirrel overlords”
When they ask if you got a minute and then you sit and watch the typing bubbles for 15 min.
“You know what people really want to see? Season after season of a guy drinking his own piss.” – Discovery Channel executive
I’m perfectly happy to listen to the opinion of anyone who agrees with me.
Cake hits so much harder off a plastic fork.
If Barbie and Oppenheimer has taught us anything its that there should always be two movies
Some of y’all tomorrow …
Dear Gym,
I feel we should have an honest relationship, so it’s only fair you should know…
I’m just using you to get into my own pants.
(Guy who was trapped in a well for 20 years standing in front of the Get Well Soon cards at the pharmacy, frowning)
Firefighters should carry around water pistols like cops carry guns.
My least popular conspiracy theory is that orchestra conductors don’t actually do anything. Some guy just shows up and says “okay I’mma direct you” and the musicians play the same but treat it like a Make-a-Wish thing and are like, “That’s great, bud, you’re directing so good!”
If the conversation gets too serious take your pants off.
So all them black Harry Potter wizards just sat there and let slavery happen?