If the headline just read “Kanye West Acts Like a Shithead,” news sites could reuse it over and over again.
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Threatening to send my cat to Ohio if she doesn’t stop shredding my paper towels.
I told my therapist I was afraid of spontaneously combusting, so she prescribed me an anti-inflammatory.
*eats half a banana then stubs the bit that’s left in an ashtray*
My mom used to say “stop crying or I’ll give you something to cry about” and I’d be like “I’ve already got something, but thanks”
I’m a conflict avoider until someone wants to share my food
Required: An app that turns the page of the calendar that’s on the wall.
“What charities do you donate to?”
“I mostly just leave sunglasses all over the world.”
Ok, but have you ever been stuck in a sports bra, and the only person around to help you was your teenage son, so you just lived as a sweaty pretzel for an entire day?
ME: Wow. This cake you made is really moist.
WIFE: I haven’t baked it yet.
Can’t, trying to piece together today’s news from the jokes.
So one of team members text me to say he wasn’t well and couldn’t make it to work. I don’t think the first text was meant for me…
Inside the heads of four JCrew models.
me (stepping out of time machine): I come from the future!
soldier: oh, great! we could use your help. thousands of us have died in this war for a treasure called “salt”
me: what, like table salt?
soldier: ? why do you call it that
me:
soldier: Why do you call it that.
pet owner’s tip: glue the very tip of your cat’s tail to the center of their back to make a convenient cat-carrying handle.
Workplace micro aggression- throwing a staple at someone
workplace macro aggression- throwing the stapler at them
“Get better” is a nice thing to write on a card. “Get better soon” feels a little threatening though. What’s the rush
Mom: if your friends jumped off a bridge, would you jump too?
Me, friendless: rub it in a little more, Judy
I don’t have a 17 step nightly skin regimen; I need that time to google if a Crocodile would win a fight with an Alligator.
In 5th grade I had to do a report on Ben Franklin and my parents interpreted it as me liking him so my 11th birthday was Ben Franklin themed
Baby carrots were deprived from their mothers’ love and their childhood just to satisfy your hunger you vegetarian bastard. Good job.
Just tried out an AI Headshot generator.
Came out pretty well.
if you shouldn’t go food shopping when you’re hungry then you should definitely not go clothes shopping when you’re naked. trust me on this.
Be grateful for those who keep your secrets.
That way you don’t have to kill them & go to prison.
“He’ll regret that shot till he’s screaming on his deathbed.” British golf commentary. It’s the reason I’m a fan.
Judging by their knives, the Swiss Army is mostly bartenders.
Interviewer: Your resumé says your strength is confidence but your weakness is languages
Me: I think you’ll find it’s pronounced resume
*toddler screaming in car seat*
Husband: Sounds like someone needs a nap when we get home.
Me: I know. Totally. Wake me up around 4?
I found a flea on my dog and sprayed him down with a homemade vinegar solution and now I know what pickled dog smells like.
Bat 1: Do you ever think God made us blind so that we may see the world for what it truly is?
Bat 2: (startled) who said that
*Being murdered in bed*
Me: CAN YOU JUST TRY NOT TO DISARRANGE THE THROW PILLOWS??