Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[dog dies in a movie]
Me: *crying*

[human dies in a movie]
Me: *crying* why did they have to kill that dog earlier

[deserted island]

friend: this coconut bra is really uncomfortable

me: stop complaining *adjusts puffer fish bra*

Me: I’ve been thinking about getting a buzz cut
Barber: I don’t think you could pull it off
Me: Well no, you’d have to cut it off

Set your phone alarm to a song you hate. You won’t hit snooze, because then you’d have to hear Nickelback again.

Date: you don’t look anything like your profile photo
Me: *now crying*
Date: there you are

[at Home Depot]

Cashier: That’ll be $25

Me: Here’s a gift card that should have some money on it

Cashier: *scans card* That’ll be $24.84

Me: Hey, wanna feel really old?

Friend: Yeah?

Grandma: Stop telling people to poke me you little shit!

I like my women like I like my amulets: cursed

Honestly why do I bother attempting this shit

Allow me to demonstrate my special technique of hearing what isn’t being said.

TWITTER REHAB IS GOING GOOD YOU GUYS I GOT A NEW FRIEND HE HAS SPECIAL SUGAR AND IT’S AWESOME AND MY YARD HAS 3,957,268 BLADES OF GRASS!!!!

Sorry I flinched when you told me you loved me. I’ve been practicing my poker face. Can we try again?

Restaurant manager: You’re hired. You start as a server tomorrow.

Me: I can’t wait!

RM: You’re fired.

Parents are like “i don’t want my teen having sex” and i get it. I had sex as a teen and now every full moon I turn into a giant sex

holiday horror movie idea: you have 10 days to complete a completely reasonable task that takes 20 minutes to do

bella waking up at the end of breaking dawn part 1

Her: I need a funnel
Me: well that narrows it down

Charlotte’s Web is the book that inspired a generation of vegetarians. It’s true. I read it when I was 7 & I haven’t eaten a spider since

“O honey, it looks like you got your period last night. I guess well need to get new shee- wait! Wait one minute!” ~ Japanese flag designer

Me: *wakes up sobbing*

Him: Again??

Me: I’m just so terrified…

Him: You really have to stop dreaming you’re a published author and are asked to read a passage to fans, which includes the word “vehemently”

Me: I know… I know.

I had a fight once. “You should see the other guy!” I said. My wife agreed. She’s been seeing him for years now, they’re a lovely couple.

My job just drug tested my coworker but they took the hair from her wig 😂

Just ruined $387 worth of blinds in the house but that fly is dead.

I wish offended people reacted like fainting goats. No, it wouldn’t solve a thing, but life would be so entertaining.

before meds: *hates everything*

after meds: *feels good about hating everything*

hate when i type some normal shit like “i’m walking the dog” and my phone is like “did you mean: i’m🚶‍♂️the 🐶?” no i did not mean that because i am not the zodiac killer.

For anyone struggling to make ends meet at the moment, please please please check to see if you have a Porsche you can sell.

Voldemort: I’m here to kill Harry Pott- [struggling to open baby gate]

James Potter: push down and then pull back

Voldemort: I am [still struggling]

Lily Potter: jiggle it he needs to jiggle it

Voldemort: I AM JIGGLING IT; You know what forget it I’ll come back when he’s 10

History Trivia: In many photographs of Hitler,a golden retriever wearing a Nazi uniform can be seen. This is notorious war criminal Herr Bud

[interview]
Okay, don’t let him know ur a vampire.

“What kind of person do u see when u look in the mirror?”

OH COME ON