Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Me: Should we watch WandaVision?

Wife: She’s probably too young to understand it

3: *draws a rune on the wall*

This is joyous. Go to any YouTube video. Pause it. Click anywhere outside the video and then type 1980. Now defend yourself.

Would an Egyptian doctor who specializes in the spine be called a Cairopractor?

He really should be.

me: absolute shit technique

murderer: [stops stabbing me] what?

I’m bored, think I’ll go to the mall, find a great parking spot, sit in my car with my reverse lights on

So glad we cleared that up

I miss the good ol’ days until I remember things like having to get out of my chair and smack the tv to get a clearer picture.

Unicorns: *just jabbing holes in everything*

Noah: nope.

Mom, can you come pick me up? I’m at a party and someone is coughing.

[1st day undercover]
Me: [to gang of street punks] what up dongs?
Voice through earpiece: OMG its DAWGS u idiot
Me: is ur gang hiring today?

Wife: Sleep tight, don’t let the bed bugs bite!
Me: Haha funny.
[under the mattress]
Bed Bug King: TONIGHT WE DINE IN HELL *tiny drums bang*

So I just moved into my new apartment.

Directly below me is a police station.

It would appear that I am above the law.

Don’t sweat the small stuff. Don’t sweat the medium or large stuff either. Stop perspiring on everything. Take your sweaty ass elsewhere.

One of the scariest things is when you say something that forces your wife to take off her glasses before she responds.

Wish my date had canceled before I shaved my legs. Well if anyone wants to go out tonight I am more aerodynamic than usual

hate when anxiety gives me stomach problems like baby you are supposed to be a mental disorder please stay in your line

Cereal. Check.

Milk. Check.

Bread. Check.

Fruit. Check.

Salad. Check.

Wow, the looks I am getting! Guess I could have paid w/ 1 check.

Wife: no bird puns this year at Thanksgiving

Me: fine but I get to do some now.

Wife: owl allow it.

Me: wait-what are you doing?

Wife: toucan play this game.

Me: I don’t like this.

Me at 17: I’ve had 7 beers, 11 shots, and 2 questionable mixed drinks and I’m just getting started! Can’t wait until I’m over 21 and can REALLY start partying!

Me at 23: Look I know it’s 7pm and I only just got here but I’ve already had an entire glass of wine and I need a nap.

I had a peach bellini with breakfast and it wasn’t even the best decision I made today but it was a damned good one.

My personal trainer said I should have a protein shake every night at 11pm.
That’s whey past my bedtime.

After taking a bunch of 7-year-olds on a field trip to the Natural History Museum, I realized their favorite exhibit was “Elevator Buttons.”

Vegetable soup is simply cooked salad

Industrial strength nuclear powered leaf blowers make relocating your neighbors a snap. Just power it up and watch them roll away like human tumbleweeds.

I totally don’t wanna work today but on the off chance that my boss looks at my twitter, I totes DO wanna work.

Nine out of ten doctors agree that dying is bad for your health. The other doctor is clad in a dark robe and carrying a scythe.

My dog is so strong, she pulled me over the other day. I didn’t even know she was a cop.

Cinderella was a mess. I mean, I have bad taste in men, but at least I never settled for a guy who couldn’t remember what my face looked like.

The invention of locks was a key turning point in history.