Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Millennial weddings be like “what do you mean you have to go home already? We’ve only been screaming Fall Out Boy songs at each other for four hours and the midnight pizza isn’t even here yet. You’re going to miss the sparkler exit!”

I’m going to take up vaping because I am tired of people taking me seriously.

The writing is on the wall, or on my teen’s arm because I needed to write down a number and couldn’t find a piece of paper.

My 2yo is going around pretending to call everyone. When he got to his brother, my 5yo didn’t even look up from playing, responding, “I can’t talk now, my phone is dead. Bye.”

If you honk your horn .2 seconds after the stoplight turns green, I can promise I’m prepared to spend the rest of my life adjusting my seat and my mirrors before driving off.

Possessed by deviled eggs.
Someone call an eggcorcist.

y’all I’m about to get violent cuz wtf

Welcome to your 40s. The only shoes you can tolerate are running, but you won’t be doing any of that anymore.

Every day, I hope I don’t get bitten by a spider. I’m not afraid of spiders, I just don’t want the responsibility of being a superhero.

I always carry a condom in my wallet in case a date goes unexpectedly well & I need to impress her with my balloon animals skills.

Mapping America’s Far Right

guy: [stands up at front of plane]
me: “please don’t be overbooked”
guy: [pulls gun] “this plane is now under my control”
me: “oh thank god”

At the dr’s office: “So, do you think this is a hemorrhoid?”

My therapist:

When I die, I want them to write that I died of supernatural causes, but offer no explanation.

Eggnog is one of my top ten favorite nogs

How to Be Good At Twitter
1. don’t be
2. don’t have that be your goal
3. aim higher
4. seriously, go outside or something

“What would you say is your greatest weakness?”
Probably my tendency to stalk and murder people who won’t hire me.

When people say “To be honest…”, it means that up to that point they’ve been lying.

waffles are just pancakes that ran into the screen porch door at full speed.

Wife is out of town, so I’ve got the whole bed to myself. Time to sprawl out like a starfish and enjoy every inch*

*I slept in my usual two-foot sliver

We should be able to pick our zodiac sign, like choosing your piece in Monopoly: “Nope I’m not playing today unless I can be the crab or the lion”

You know who inspires me? The 0.01% germ nobody can kill.

I scream,
You scream,
We all scream
Because grandpa fell asleep at the wheel again.

All set.

Doctor: You need to cut out orange juice in the morning.

Me: Because of all the sugar?

D: No, because of all the champagne.

When your coworker tells you they are getting a divorce a high five is not the right answer.

Or so I’ve been told.

Twice now.

[BOOPS nose]

COP: Sir, I’m gonna need you to touch your finger to the tip of YOUR nose.

Based on the incessant amount of times the song is sung in our house we are definitely talking about Bruno.

It’s like you don’t appreciate this bag of toenails and I can’t deal with this right now.

Genie: *transforms me into a turtle* oh wait, did you say eternal life?

Me: *from inside shell* yeah no this is better