If the human race has a “signature move,” its gotta be lying to the dentist about flossing.
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If Disney movies have taught me anything, it’s that the whole ENTIRE world speaks English. Including animals and inanimate objects.
Last-minute gift idea!
FYI: hey my wife came home in a terrible mood and I figured I’d read her one of my tweets to cheer her up, turns out that’s a bad idea guys
My boyfriend called my skirt a petticoat and now he’s paying bills using a quill on parchment paper wearing his wooden false teeth.
If I hit the lottery, prepare for a beef jerky shortage.
I wonder what happens when you stop chasing waterfalls and the waterfalls start chasing you?
When I was a boy we had to invent snow before we could walk 15 miles through it to get to school.
*Bee lands on flower covered in another flower’s pollen*
FLOWER: What’s that?
BEE: I can explain
F: I don’t want to hear your lies, Ian
“I’m just gonna pull on weird animal parts until something comes out that I can drink”
-guy who discovered milk
Loan sharks are just like regular sharks, except you have to give them back.
For all we know, half the birds are telling the other birds to shut up.
wife: (puts on her glasses) how do i look?
me: with… with your glasses.
Someone’s just thrown a bottle of Omega 3 tablets at me. I only received super fish oil injuries, but still.
Who else read this as a threatening Yoda?
Papa Bear: I wish he’d Mackle more.
Mama Bear: I wish he’d Mackle less.
Baby Bear: I tore the throat out of a girl who stole our porridge.
”Found unresponsive” is the new “discovered unconscious.” But it still means the same thing. You can’t handle your Chardonnay, Janice
I hate when I go to the gym and someone’s doing yoga on the napping mats.
My son came home for spring break with all clean clothes and doesn’t need me to do his laundry and I am just so very, very confused.
I think the Monday after Sunday should always be a day off.
Don’t tell me you’re coming to my party on facebook then go for something better last minute ugh have fun at “the wake” or whatever
Person: Do you like using a wheelchair?
Me: I tried using a recliner, but it was useless for transportation.
My toddler has had a rough day. I gave her regular milk instead of chocolate and Peppa Pig didn’t oink enough
INTERVIEWER: your resume says that you take things too literally
ME: how the hell did my resume say that?
if u choke a Smurf what color does it turn
Searched my teens room for drugs, was told “you don’t give me enough money for drugs.” I don’t know whether to be proud or up his allowance.
However I die, I want my tombstone to say “Unknown Local Man Found Eaten By Squirrels.”
Preacher: God’s love is unconditional!
Me: Then why is there a hell?
Preacher:……
Me: Your move.
“Oh, no, you don’t have any scratch paper?”
“Yeah, looks like we ran out.”
“I’ve been using that paper to take notes. I go through a stack of it every day. How did you run out?”
“That’s a mystery we may never be able to solve.”
I took down my front door because I got sick of having to kick it down every time I come home with a handful of groceries and my keys are in my pocket.