If the interviewer asks where you see yourself in 5 years
Standing naked on top of a fire truck does not appear to be the correct answer
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A fun thing to do on a first date is wear a wedding dress
My first day as a coal miner is going so well!! I’m so glad that damn bird finally shut up haha
“Before you embark on a journey of revenge, first dig two graves,”
I’m gonna need a lot more than that.
Cyclists who think you’re both a car AND a pedestrian.
Explain yourselves.
My girlfriend told me she needed a hip replacement. So I found a vegan yoga instructor that let’s me do whatever I want.
I would give my toddler fire before I give them glitter
getting off the floor: the extreme sport of middle age
NEW YEAR’S LOGIC
1. The planet is passing through an arbitrary spot on its unceasing orbit around the sun.
2. Time to lay off chocolate.
I need a bed that pops me out like a toaster.
My blow up doll has started wheezing and she’s loosing weight rapidly. Getting very concerned.
“I tell you, this car runs like a dream!” I change gears and the gearstick turns into a swan. I turn on the wipers & it rains on the inside.
[1st date]
Her: So, were you born here?
Me: [an idiot] In this restaurant? No. I was born in a hospital.
Turns out when you’re asked who your favourite child is you’re expected to pick from your own.
click on one injured animal rescue video, the algorithm just goes “Oh you like this” & shows you dogs getting run over by lawnmowers forever
Retweet if you’re naughty! Star if you love Jesus! Reply if you’d like to meet him!
The first few months of a baby’s life are crucial and so it’s important that they see mom or dad playing Mario Kart.
Told my toddler today was Father’s Day and she said “you’re welcome” if you were wondering how the current batch of Generation Z is coming along.
My wife walked in on me sobbing uncontrollably while listening to an old song.
“Meat Loaf?” she asked.
“Yes,” I replied, between the tears. “Can we have baked potatoes too?”
CUTE CAT‼︎
My daughter watched a trial of mine today and when it was over (expecting praise and adulation) I said, “Wellllll how’d I do?”
Her, “You sure did lead your witness a lot.”
A corn maze, because the only thing worse than trying to get kids to eat vegetables is trying to get them to walk endlessly through vegetables.
Me: I’m sorry; I don’t remember your name. I know it starts with an S though…. Sledgehammer, Salamander, Slappy…
Him: Steve…my name is Steve.
Me: Yeah, no, I would’ve never gotten that.
Frozen (2013) A young girl spends years in solitude & must plan her parent’s funeral alone because her sister is secretly one of the X-Men
I lost my wife’s audiobook… and now I’ll never hear the end of it!
People on social media will threaten murder in the comment section of a cake recipe.
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[I just learned that different colors of the heart emoji mean different things]
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I hate when I wake up hungry and stay that way for 32 years
When the machines become self aware their first order of business will be changing our perception of how robots dance.
JAMES CAMERON: i have the single greatest idea for a movie based on the biggest iceberg disaster in history—
ME: [exaggerated sigh] dude, no one is going to watch an entire movie about lettuce
if you’ve ever been worried about pitching something crazy at your job, imagine being the person who suggested taking temperatures rectally