If the interviewer asks where you see yourself in 5 years
Standing naked on top of a fire truck does not appear to be the correct answer
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Me: What sneakers are you wearing?
Her: Converse
Me: Omg Sandra, that’s what I’m trying to do.
Can you fail a drug test from a mosquito bite?
Asking for the next person this mosquito bites.
A pub landlord walks into a stable. A horse says “what’s with the big fat tum-tum?” followed by “not nice, is it?”
my date ended up being a mannequin
i was so embarrassed at the restaurant and then at the movies
How many raisins do I have to add to this bag of M&Ms before it qualifies as trail mix? One? I say one.
Toddler boy: worry about them eating enough.
Teen boy: worry about them leaving you something to eat.
Magazines are for your self esteem.
-New Yorker: You’re so uncultured.
-Cosmo: Your body is garbage.
-Forbes: Hey there, peasant.
COP: Do you know why I pulled you over.
BLANKET: You were cold?
Teens be like, “You know that crumbled up piece of paper that’s been on the table all week? I need it for school.”
Need special medicine for our son’s kidneys but we can’t afford it because we bought printer ink last week 🙁
Me: Well, basically it sounds like when you’re crouching in an abandoned building on a remote planet in the future and a Cylon is scanning for your presence to destroy you.
Dishwasher Repair Man: That will be $200.
Jesus has seen me naked and that’s why he made me funny.
What does it mean when you sit next to an elderly woman on the bus and she shakes her head and makes the sign of the cross?
The first bird to chew food for her kids was probably just trying to leave for work on time.
I like to swear a lot so that people will keep their kids away from me.
WIFE: what the hell happened here?
ME: i broke an egg
[earlier]
ME [shaking egg]: tell me what u know, u piece of shit
*Becomes a black hole*
*Only absorbs corndogs*
My mom, to me as a kid: You’d probably never bathe if you could get away with it.
Me now, in quarantine: She was right on the money with that one.
My Phone autocorrected “wish you were here” to “wish you were beer” and I sent it anyways
My friend (an X-ray tech) started dating a new guy and frankly I don’t know what she sees in him
It’s actually pretty rude of you to assume that I know what I’m doing
Motherhood is the perfect combination of heart swelling pride and “I didn’t sign up for this.”
For most, bikini season lasts a few short summer months, but I catch enough & store them so efficiently I can eat bikini all year round.
My neighbors listen to great music… whether they like it or not.
[Job interview]
“You list communication as a strength”Yes
“Care to elaborate?”
No
Wife: can you give the kids a talk on drugs?
Me: ok but I talk a lot of shit when I’m high
Yesterday I drove past a sperm bank that had gone out of business.
I guess that means no one came.
“Where you going, we’re in the middle of a conversation.”
OMG! This is just the middle.
Annnnnd that’s how the fight started.
Jay Z: Can I get a what what?
Teacher: Jay Z, can you or may you?
Jay Z: SORRY MAY I GET A WHAT WHAT
Teacher: Yes, you may get a what what.
[relaxing in my hammock reading a book]
“Hey kids! We need to clean your rooms…come get me in 15 minutes.”
And that’s how you buy yourself a whole lotta peace and quiet😎