If the interviewer asks where you see yourself in 5 years
Standing naked on top of a fire truck does not appear to be the correct answer
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Dance like like you’re not aware of the numerous cameras watching your every move.
*First Passover*
The Lord: And you shall consume the meat of the lamb this same night, eating it roasted with unleavened bread and bitter herbs
Me: Like a gyro?
The Lord: Not exactly…
Me: HEY EVERYBODY GOD SAYS WE’RE HAVIN GYROS
what I look like when I sleep with my mouth open
Awwww finally got my nose pierced this morning.
Never fight over a bus seat with an old lady who’s knitting.
DETECTIVE: TELL US WHERE THE STOLEN BANK MONEY IS HIDDEN
ROBBER: Nope, but I WILL give you a series of clues
DETECTIVE: ok this sounds fun
I think Titanic is fake because, how do they record it when they are all dieing in the water?
After 30 minutes of looking, my husband finally found the car keys. They were in the last place he would think to look: in the pocket. Of the jacket. He was wearing.
him: [has seen Jaws, is smart, knows what to do when he hears the Jaws theme music]
me: [has never seen Jaws, is dead now]
Why did I schedule my dental cleaning first thing on a Monday morning? I hate who I was 6 months ago.
him: I love animals, especially dogs
me: *I could really like him*
him: birds too
me: *he’s dead to me*
if they didn’t want me to take the coins off a dead man’s eyes they would have moved the gumball machine further away.
I think my downstairs neighbors are beginning to suspect I’m living in their attic.
I’m not judging you, I’m just trying to guess what medications you’re on.
Does anyone ever finish a jar of Vaseline? I’m still working on the one my great-grandpa passed down to me.
I’m so tired of being jealous of my friends’ successes. It’s unhealthy and only hurts me. From now on, I’m going to focus on what’s really important: enjoying my friends’ failures.
Me: I want you to make me a better person
Frankenstein: you barely touch the one you have now
Me: Ours was a love divine
I was yours; you were mine
If the stars would realign-Teacher: This is POTTERY class. Poetry class is next door
My toddler climbed out of her crib and my first thought was “Why don’t they make some kind of lid or attachment for the top of these things?”
Then I realized thaaaaat’s a cage.
Being a mother you are always prepared for the unexpected but nothing can prepare you for the strength you will need when your son’s voice begins to change and you have to keep a straight face.
Whenever someone jokingly replies, “Blocked,” I laugh and laugh and then go check.
[cop sniffing me] you’re all over the road get out of the vehicle
[me after putting on too much hand cream] I’ll try
Netflix an..holy shit! How’d you get your pants off that fast?
I’m 20, my face is 18, my voice is 16, my back is 60 🥲.
My wife just told me 11 more things I do wrong after she said she wasn’t talking to me anymore.
Recent studies show that eating bacon or other red meats increases your chances of dying by 20%
So apparently I have a 120% chance of dying
I spend 99% of my drunk time chasing my cat around trying to give him a hug.
Why is being alive so expensive? I’m not even having a good time.
[Being kidnapped]
Me: i can feel it.. Stockholm syndrome
kidnapper: its been 10 minutes
me: should we invite your brother to the wedding?
On a road trip, if you need to pee, you have two options: public restrooms or the grass. I went for grass and could see my dogs nodding their heads in solidarity