If the interviewer asks where you see yourself in 5 years
Standing naked on top of a fire truck does not appear to be the correct answer
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My super power is buying movies on Amazon the week before they’re free on Netflix
The ketchup bottle always teaches you new ways it can destroy your shirt.
I attempted a smoky eye for a Zoom pitch, but instead it looks like I survived a bar fight so I’m going with that story.
I said hi to someone and a bug flew into my mouth. Lesson learned.
A zombie apocalypse sounds even worse when you consider all those smoke detectors beeping for battery changes.
me: i really messed up this time. we’re in deep with the cartel.
my wife: how much money do you owe pampered chef this time?
“Hot, lo-cal singles in your area!”
– Diet ads for Cannibals
End of date
Me: I’ve been waiting for this moment all night
Him: *closes eyes and leans in for a kiss
Me: *honks horn as I speed away *
friend: what’d you do today?
me: i judged a wet t-shirt contest
friend: niiiice, how was it
me: boring. all of the t-shirts were equally wet
“Why can’t I just eat the wax?”
~me, when I can’t open the cheese
There are two wolves inside you
webmd: wolf cancer
I just checked Web MD and I have everything
If you don’t tell me I’m on speakerphone then I’m not responsible for your kids learning new words.
My phone says “missed calls”. Which is an odd description for something I watched happen.
Will no one rid me of this turbulent poodle?
“I don’t know, sometimes I just wish there was a room you could sit in that made breathing harder.”
– inventor of the sauna
Some woman in this swimsuit department just said, “summer bodies are made in the winter” so I strangled her with my new beach wrap.
The worst part of Aquaman’s day is when he has to kill time on land for half an hour after eating a meal.
If you can pin an animal in the petting zoo down for a three count, you get to take it home.
[training the new person at work]
Them: so you do this everyday?
Me, hiding in the toilet for the 6th time: yes
We need to take better care of the ocean because terrifying things live down there & if we destroy their home, they are going to come into ours. If you think traffic is bad now, wait until Cthulhu is sitting in the middle of the highway trying to eat a school bus.
Some days you just feel like a hotel microwave. You’re here, but you don’t have enough power to actually do anything.
no my tattoos do not have any meaning i am simply a child putting permanent stickers all over myself<3 stop asking pls
SEANCE MEDIUM: The Ouija Board just keeps spelling out racist epithets and casserole recipes, over and over again?!
ME: Grandma?
you (uncultured): Ok.
me (cultured): Othousand.
Not saying dogs are better than kids in every aspect; but good luck finding a kid willing to lick up his own vomit.
I miss the days when my 2yo didn’t have opinions and I could dress him in whatever I wanted.
The irony is that if we had a vaccine against stupid, those who need it most wouldn’t get it.
ME: I wish I could fix this problem
SOLUTION TO MY PROBLEM: Hey there-
ME: [avoiding eye contact] If only there was a way…