If the interviewer doesn’t think it’s cool when you pull a quarter out of his ear, the job wasn’t good enough for you anyways.
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The DaVinci Code but it’s just me trying to unlock the secret to why there are so many crumbs in my toddler’s bed
Do we want 2020 to turn 21 and be able to drink?
ME (watching a sea of a million llamas stampede over the horizon): dear God, it’s the alpacalypse
2013: why would anyone care what the losers on reddit think
2023: the losers on reddit are the last remaining source on the internet for reviews of products and services that aren’t paid for or some kind of scam
If Mt Vesuvius erupted over us right now, there’d be lots of shapes of people looking at their phones later on.
“If anyone has a reason why these two should not be wed, speak now or forever hold your peace”
(from the back)
He saw Creed live in 2003
interviewer: you have a 3 year gap on your resume that just says “vengeance”
me:
interviewer:
me: you don’t remember me do you?
Good morning to everyone except my husband who deliberately slept whilst I didn’t.
[movie night]
5: what should we watch?
Me: anything you want
5 [opens every movie case revealing Space Jam DVD inside] not again dad
Oh, I see you’re an extrovert. Sorry, we can’t be friends. I already have a friend who’s an extrovert. One of you is enough.
Don’t act like you miss sex now, you weren’t getting laid before either.
never trust a guy who wants you to try out for a boy band in a motel off the jersey turnpike.
i know this now.
I’m embarrassed to live in a world that’s allowed 9 fast and furious movies
What kind of monster sits in a rocking chair and doesn’t rock
Satan: I’m gonna torture you for eternity
Me: I’m gonna call your dad and tell him how high you have the heat turned up in here
Satan: wait no
My doctor was so right about clear liquids giving me more energy. After 4 vodka martinis, I wanted to paint the house.
Heard a rival dad is planning to hand out king size candy bars for Halloween so now every trick or treater that comes to my house is getting a full rack of ribs.
Me: I can’t wait to get naked and be inside you!
Sleeping bag salesman: ….. so did I mention there’s a non-return policy on those?
*first date*
Him: You have a very defined jawline.
Me: Thanks! I chew a lot.
“I feel like I got off on the wrong foot.” – Star of a foot fetish flick criticizing his performance
OH AND JUST FYI…. THE BAGS UNDER MY EYES ARE LOUIS VUITTON
*peeing*
I should get outta bed now, I guess.
“Am I The A******? I punted my son into a volcano for not doing his homework”
i was in paris with a boyfriend once and he lit a candle in Notre Dame in order to ask god to raise the price of bitcoin
One time I ate a quarter and pooped out a gumball.
Every atom in your body is born in a star, traveled millions of light years, & through an amazing process became you. & you watch Teen Mom.
I bought a new BMI smart scale so that I could have a technologically advanced and detailed reason to cry every morning.
He died doing what he loved, waving a metal rod on a rooftop in a storm, yelling FU, GOD! Although he slipped & fell, Ted’s memory lives on.
I’m not superstitious enough to pay attention to signs and such, but
The supermarket freezer door that holds the cheesecakes just swung open UNASSISTED, and I just don’t think I should question this one guys!!