If the interviewer doesn’t think it’s cool when you pull a quarter out of his ear, the job wasn’t good enough for you anyways.
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my house is definitely haunted. all the snacks disappear.
Some of you should walk a mile in my shoes because then you would be a mile away from me and that would be fantastic. Keep the shoes
Every day I ask Chatgpt if it knows where my keys are and If it ever knows the answer I’m suing everybody.
when I have dinner with a vegetarian I order two steaks to use as a bun for my third steak
-You were standing in the lobby of The Astor Hotel wearing a blue sweater. It was April 9th. Your first words were, “It’s you.” You had a stain on your left pocket.
-Amanda, where did you park your car just now?
-No clue.
When you pick a name for your kid, type it in Microsoft Word first. If the red squiggly line shows up, please reconsider.
me: I told our son it’s okay to cry if you drop your ice cream
wife: what did he say?
me: he kept laughing at me
I bought the wrong kind of compass. Now I’m lost in the middle of nowhere drawing perfect circles.
I called 5 a nerd and she started crying. When I explained it was a good thing and that I was a nerd, she started crying harder.
Sometimes I run alongside trains, tearfully waving, just so people will think I have a girlfriend.
went into the office today to catch up w my boss and he was like “i can tell you’re really intelligent” couldnt work up the courage to tell him its just a little bit of psychology and pretending to look focused while he talks 80% of the time
Only 2 kids made it out of my Jedi class.
One killed the padawans.
The other was abandoned in the desert
I’m dreading that class reunion.
me: what’s your name?
alien: it cannot be pronounced by your earth tongue
me: is it jeff?
alien:
me:
alien: I didn’t know you could do j sounds it actua—it is jeff
THE CANADA GEESE ARE LEAVING.
AMERICA THEY YOUR PROBLEM NOW.
I’m shoplifting items from Dollar Tree and returning them to Five Below for a profit
*I will not look in the magnifying mirror*
*I will not look in the magnifying mirror*
*I will not look in the magnifying mirror*[cries for 20 minutes]
[stabbing you with a knife]
I’m just being sarcastic, lighten up.
When my phone rings, I stay very, very still. If I don’t move, it can’t see me.
My husband has been gone for 6 months. He’s on his 4th tour of Ikea.
The Police come right away when you tell em your baby is locked in the car…
They don’t however think it’s cute to call your phone baby..
Assert dominance by putting your hair in your cats food.
Scanned a customer in the eyes with a barcode reader for being rude to me….
…should have seen the look on his face, it was priceless
*closes door*
“Did you take out the trash?”
“Her name is LINDA, Mom.”
“You can eat 50% of a mermaid before you’re considered a cannibal.”
My kid, using homeschool math during social distancing
I want my leggings so high waisted I can pull them up over my head and wear them as a hood
My child will plan a thousand activities for after school then come home and sit in her pants watching cartoons for hours instead so I guess the apple really doesn’t fall far from the tree
Stop sending me this shit.
I’m crowd funding an organic lettuce purchase from Whole Foods.
my favorite maggie smith movie will always be hook, which she played at 56 years old but the makeup was so good it confused an entire generation of people when she just kept looking the same or better for the next 3 decades
My swear jar has more money in it than my bank account