If the interviewer doesn’t think it’s cool when you pull a quarter out of his ear, the job wasn’t good enough for you anyways.
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What’s the dumbest thing you bought when you were drunk?
I spent $30 on fish food and I don’t have a fish
I genuinely don’t remember making you all this stupid.
ME: (doing stand up)
GUY IN CROWD: BOOOO *throws a tomato*
GUY 2: BOOOOO *throws a tomato*
GUY 3: BOOOOO *throws a tomato*
GUY 4: what the-
GUY 5: he’s just eating those like Pac-Man
Oh, you’ve got a cordless vacuum? Well my house is so small I can vacuum it all from one outlet, so who’s laughing now?
Guys, you don’t have to be a priest to shoot a baby with a water pistol. Literally anyone can do it.
Cat Negotiator: Ok, so we’ll shit in a box in your house and you will clean it up
Humans: And you will be a loyal friend
Cat: hahahaha sure
I was laughing at these nerds for wearing their backpack over two shoulders instead of one, and they got so mad they jumped out of the plane
when i quit my job i’m setting one last OOO message that just says “your email will never find me again”
*robbers burst into bank*
EVERYONE PUT YOUR HANDS UPDOG
*bank manager frowns*
What’s updog?
WE’RE ROBBING THIS BANK WHAT’S UP WITH YOU
Everyone makes fun of Aquaman, but he’s got it all figured out.
He spends all day chilling in the water.
His life is one big pool party.
The sun is 100% solar-powered.
“Let’s eat, Pappy.”
Not “Let’s eat Pappy.”
Proof grammar saves lives.
No. YOU-buprofen.
I’m really tired of the LED headlights on some cars. Like I’m really glad you can see 92 miles ahead but the rest of us are blind now.
Hey kids, remember the feeling you got when you cleaned your room without being asked and no one noticed? That’s what adulthood’s like.
One job requirement for a substitute bus driver is being able to navigate with directions given by 4th graders.
“The guy is pure evil!”
“He’s complex”
“Religious icons and Bibles catch on fire when he walks by!”
“He’s deep!”
“Priests and Pastors drop dead when they look at him!”
“He’s troubled! Stop being negative!”
That was the most exciting race between two stationary vehicles I have ever seen. #GreaseLive
I went downstairs to get my charger. I came back up with a bowl of ice cream and no charger. But, I’m okay. Thanks.
If you’re lost in the woods, start talking loudly about politics.
Someone will come to argue with you.
Me: What do you call a tailor that only alters pants? A slacker.
Cop: Please exercise your right to remain silent.
HER: Mmm you smell good.
ME: Thanks. I use both my nostrils.
Started answering all spam texts/calls of “is this so and so?” with “no, this is Patrick.”
If I leave out a comma it’s because I don’t want you to breathe.
the sun is so successful because it has the perfect bedtime and morning routines
Someone stole my debit card, went and spent $60 at a restaurant and only left a $4 tip. It’s not even your card, and you leave a $4 tip. Unreal
Christmas decorations should come with coupons for couples counseling.
I’m really disappointed in Shaq for not having his own tequila called Shaquila.
ME: It’s a gun fight, don’t say you brought a knife
ALANIS MORRISETTE [brandishing 10,000 spoons] I’m not an idiot
Ugh I hate being a celeb my fans are always asking me “when is your next rent check going to drop?” & “when can we expect you to pay us back for covering your rent last month?” It’s like respect my privacy please.