If the kids are so noisy from the backseat you can hear them above the music, it obviously wasn’t cranked up loud enough to begin with.
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If I was a hairdresser, I’d hold up a chopping board instead of a mirror just to see how many people still go ‘yeah that’s great’.
A classic example of a cat being a cat.
*hops in time machine*
him: where ya going?
me: 1988..this kid roasted me and I said oh yeah well shutup and BOY DO I HAVE THE BEST COMEBACK NOW
me: [unlocking door] id better warn you, im a bit of a hoarder
her: lol like what
me: well, most of its grandmas
her: [struggling to wade through hundreds of old women] i see
Husband: No stubble? Did you finally shave your legs?
Me: No. I grew it out so you’d stop complaining about the stubble.
I never realized how short a month is until I started paying rent
<enter password>
ikilledaman
<password must contain a number>
*7 hours later*
ikilled2men
I need to know what happened here in 1620.
Movie Exec: Give me 3 realistic ideas or you’re fired
Me: A rat becomes a chef
Movie Exec: ok
Me: A dog plays basketball
Movie Exec: Good
Me: A main character has a bottom row locker at school
Movie Exec: Get out
Why do people named Deborah go by “Deb” and never “bruh”
My wife bought me gym shorts like I’m gonna run to the kitchen for some more nachos.
You’d think the neighbors wouldn’t be so upset about the helpful notes I left for them regarding their god awful Christmas decorations.
My aunt called & asked “is your house near the fires?”
My cousins called & asked “are the fires threatening your house?”
My dad called & asked “what’s my damn iTunes password again?”
whoa, you should really talk to someone about that!
— me, first day as a therapist
New rule: advertisements can no longer use adjectives.
I’ll decide what is “fresh” and “natural” and “like a real girl” thank you very much
Her: So, are you seeing anyone?
Me: You mean like a therapist or hallucinations?
there are only 2 kinds of mayors: the kind you hate for ruining your city and your job and your life. and dogs
“you’re too pretty to be so sad.”
aww well you’re too cognitive to be so ignorant, but here we are.
To whoever stole my antidepressants: I hope ur happy now
Just saw a car with “Just Married” on the back window. Do people still do that? Get married, I mean..
WAITER: questions about the menu?
ME: is it recycled paper?
WAITER: no, i meant about what’s on it
ME: oh. what kind of ink is this?
ACCEPTABLE RISK
Age 12: My parents could find out!
Age 21: This’ll either get me high or kill me!
Age 45: That might get stuck in my teeth.
trying to get through to Mozart on the Ouija board I really want him to listen to the Thong Song
so what are you guys doing for the other 3/4ths of july
I like to swear a lot so that people will keep their kids away from me.
YouTube gives me ads in Japanese, google news gives me all the hot gossip from India, my ads on google play are in Chinese. I only speak English.
I, as a biological male, sometimes get menopause ads.
I’m sometimes paranoid over data collection & this all makes me calm down! Lol.
If I was a kitty, I would smack you off the table.
Old guys always send me a “Good morning beautiful” and never a “V, you are the only beneficiary of my 3 million dollars life insurance”… Romance is dead
[3am]
My demon: [dragging me down rabbit hole with me kicking and screaming]
Also my demon: there will be cookies
Me: say no more!