If the kids are so noisy from the backseat you can hear them above the music, it obviously wasn’t cranked up loud enough to begin with.
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If my toddler doesn’t stay in bed this time, he’s watching Game of Thrones. I don’t even care that he hasn’t seen the first season yet.
My favorite part of Star Wars is when the angry guy was like “call me daddy”
Then there were 3 sets of footprints & God said “This is Deb. She answered my Craigslist ad & U r the one who said we should try new things”
I couldn’t think of an excuse fast enough so anyways I’m having company over this weekend.
“And on the 7th day he rested”. Obviously God had not yet created laundry at that point.
Weird how I can’t seem to reach anything at the grocery store when bearded men are around
Me: Mow the lawn.
Son: I don’t want to.
Me: Me either, that’s why I’m telling you to do it.
me: [thinking] I don’t want kids
my mom: [2000 miles away gets a mental notification and texts me] how could you do this to me?
We do these things not because they are easy. We do these things because we thought that they might be easy.
Me: Sleeps three hours.
Brain: That’ll do.
People always throwing cursed objects into the sea hello, no that is how you get haunted sharks
it was hard being a teenager with the last name لزيق i mean stalk one guy and you’re لزيقة for the next three years
Me single at 22: calls dibs on a hot guy.
Me single at 37: calls dibs on the biggest slice of pizza.
me: my daughter wants to be a princess, and my son wants to be a bank robber
coworker: what adorable costumes!
me: costumes?
a rare painting of a dragon eating spaghetti
You can’t name your dog Jeff, that’s illegal
True, making your own beer can be costly and time consuming, but the finished product is just awful.
Her: You’re so possessive.
Apostrophe: Only sometimes, Brenda.
Dogs can’t take cross-sectional X-rays and make three dimensional medical images.
Cats can.
Someone pointed out that there are 4 faces carved in the side of this mountain and now I can’t unsee it
I would never raise a hand to my children, but I do occasionally gift them an exploding cigar to evidence displeasure.
What do we want?
SNACKS!When do we want em?
AFTER DINNER!– kids.
burger king implies the existence of an entire burger based feudal system
Nobody likes a quitter, Glenn.
fertility doctor: it’s almost like your sperm are avoiding the egg
stormtrooper: *sighs*
wife: maybe u should take out the trash
me: (muttering) maybe I should take YOU out
wife: WHAT
me: U HEARD ME
wife: NO I DIDN’T
me: OH THANK GOD
I love giving a little kid the tongue, and then watching him run to his mother holding the severed tongue I just gave him.
The pitter patter of little feet is one of the most joyful sounds in the world…
…unless it’s 3am…
…and it’s coming from your roof.