If the kids can eat chocolate eggs for breakfast, that means I can have Bailey’s in my coffee, right?
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*In Class* Please don’t call on me, please don’t call on me! *Teacher Says Your Name*
Don’t forget to smile today, but not that creepy smile that makes us all wonder how many bodies are buried in your yard.
Me: I love the 90s!
Grandparents: we have names
[me, from cold stone] launch the missiles
The power of art = theory.
The power of power = praxis.
The the of the = philosophy.
Cellmate, menacing: what are you in for
Me, thru gritted teeth: breaking the law
THERAPIST: what’s the problem?
WIFE: he objectifies women
ME: [trying to stuff bread into her armpit] toaster
when i see a siren i like to pretend there are tiny people at an ultra exclusive tiny rave on top of a car.
I have caller ID for the front door.
If you don’t call me first, I am NOT answering the door.
EARTH: hey there buddy why so sad?
ME: climate change is ravaging human existence with endless waves of disaster
EARTH: great just checking
“I’m practicing self care” I scream at the buffet waitress as she tries to wrench a whole steam tray full of lobster from my hands
guy with only ps4 and mattress on the floor who doesnt leave his apartment probably has the lowest carbon footprint but no one wants to talk about that
“Objection your honor, the defense is badg-”
BADGERING THE WITNESS! JINX! You can’t talk.
*Judge gives a respectful nod* “Case dismissed.”
Yesterday our friend couldn’t make it tho the bar so instead of canceling they sent one of their other friends, which none of us have ever met, to replace them. You can do that? We are allowed to send in substitutes???
Heading to an estate sale to collect some cool stuff for my estate sale when I die.
Me: “Go to bed, the cows are already asleep in the field.”
Son: “So what?”
Me: “It’s pasture bedtime.”
Surgeon: We’ve successfully removed part of your intestine
Me: That took guts, LOL
Patient: Who is that guy?
Surgeon: I thought you knew him
[visiting southern France]
Me: This is Nice
Wife: It’s pronounced Nice
Me: I said Nice
Wife: No, you said Nice
Me: Nice
Wife: Nice
*69 minutes later*
Me: Niiiiiiice
Zeus: And I will call it, “Pegasus”
Me: *Crossing out “Mareplane”* Oh yeah no that’s great
Hey people who don’t understand sarcasm, what’s it like being so awesome?
Sorry I said your cat was ugly.
Oh, and sorry for thinking your baby was a cat.
Every one of my neighbors has offered to help me move which would be extremely nice if I had plans to sell my house.
There is no bigger asshole than someone that takes an animal that can fly and puts it in a cage to stand on a stick.
*eats 3 edibles*
…am….am I my dogs sugar daddy
Can you die from sitting on the floor to play with your kid, because I just tried to get up and it feels like you can die from it.
The only difference between an outpatient mental health facility and a bar is the lighting.
No matter how many times I read this, it always makes me happy.
please don’t get up in the snake’s face to see if it’s more diamond or oval
just leave the danger noodle alone
sincerely,
a medical toxicologist
Husband: *snoring*
It’s like he’s trying to tell me something
*snoring*
What is it boy?
*snoring intensifies*
Timmy’s stuck in a well?