If the kids can eat chocolate eggs for breakfast, that means I can have Bailey’s in my coffee, right?
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“And if all your friends were jumping off a bridge, would you make up a story about jumping off a bridge too?”– Teen Brian Williams’ mother
Welcome to twitter. A twenty two year old will be assigned to you shortly to give you life advice.
Candid photo of me, eating chips.
ME: [leaning over toilet] Hold back my hair
YOU: Ok
ME: [drinks from toilet like dog]
YOU: You’ve made your point I’ll wash up some glasses
Dating in your 50’s is great!
Although my husband’s not that keen, tbh
[team dumps Gatorade on head coach after victory but head coach just happens to be the Wicked Witch of the West]
COACH: you idiots *melts*
Apparently, some customs agencies are saying they won’t allow shipment of anything called a “Flamethrower”. To solve this, we are renaming it “Not a Flamethrower”.
If you’re not careful with those, you’ll shoot your eye out.
*points to Spanx*
Never go to bed angry. Stay up and finish the argument like an adult
[at the store]
Me: Your powers are weak, old man
Wife: …
Me: The force is strong with this one
Wife: …
Me: Together we can rule the galaxy
Wife: …
Me: Luuuuuuuke, I am your father
Wife: Can you just pick out a damn fan already?
*God invents corgis*
God: what ingredients do we have left
Angel: uh, a meatloaf and some pig feet
God: lol check this out
[intercom]
Please stop putting clown shoes on the sacrificial goat. The ritual is in 3 days & the other cults aren’t taking us seriously.
I can turn wine into a one night stand.
Your move Jesus.
The only recipes they have online are where I’m the one who’s supposed to buy all this stuff and then make it. That’s not what I’m looking for
My psychiatrist and I had a major breakthrough.
Now he can hear the voices too.
“Nope. Nope. Yeah right. Nope. Close! Nah. Nope. Almost! Hahaha, you’re terrible at this.” – piece of popcorn stuck between teeth.
5: why don’t we have an elf-on-the-shelf?
me: oh honey, it’s not that we don’t love you, it’s just that we don’t hate ourselves
lots of war chat today so it is time to remind everyone that you did not in fact fight in world war 2, that was a film you saw
shotgunning a can of soup and crushing it against my forehead like a beer can
My son was so excited to get a text from his beloved mama, he responded only eight hours later with a heartfelt “aight.”
The weird similarities between gold nuggets and chicken nuggets
– come from a pan
– golden color
– get stuck in my throat when I swallow them whole
Practice self-care like werewolves: carry deeply emotional secrets everywhere you go & once a month eat the hearts of all who have wronged you.
Perfect.
My wife has already mentally eaten half my fries before I’ve even ordered.
In high school, I was voted Most Likely To Keep Bringing Up Past Achievements.
That scary part in parenthood when your toddler turns into one of them raptors from Jurassic Park and learns how to open doors
I’d like my parents to cheer for me for eating solid foods, taking steps, and sleeping thru the night now
Nothing confuses me more than vegan mascara. Who is eating mascara?
If you add orange juice to Jason Momoa you get a Jason Mimosa.