If the kids can eat chocolate eggs for breakfast, that means I can have Bailey’s in my coffee, right?
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Me (being caught in bed with an optical illusion): it’s not what it looks like.
Apparently Pound Town is NOT a British dollar store
[at pet store]
Im looking for something cheap and will get people to stop coming over.
“we’re out of bread”
“ciabatta be kidding!”
[waiter takes out gun]
“make another bread pun and ur toast, pal… shit”
[i take out my gun]
Dentist: *shows me picture of my teeth*
Me: Delete it.
Basically I stopped taking men seriously when I entered 2nd grade and learned they all went to Jupiter to get more stupider
If you’re giving me directions and you say, “Head north,” I’m going to think you mean toward the sky.
There’s no I in team, but there’s one in IKEA cuz I’m the only one putting together this damn Fjällbo
making it rain (CHEETOS) in the club (my bedroom)
Everyone out here workin’ on their cores and I’m just tryna get as close as possible to the drive thru window so I don’t have to stretch.
“I get knocked down, but I get up again
You’re never gonna keep me down”~Bowling pins
I love how Hasbro’s Ouija Board sets the bar at 8 years old for communing with the dead.
god: did you give the dinosaurs more muscle like I asked
angel: wait what
god: I told you to make them meatier
angel: oh MEATier
i don’t trust someone who says their ideal date is a “hike”
Just the other day, I asked my mom at what age do children start really listening to their parents but I don’t remember what her answer was.
Accidentally dropped a magic mushroom in my cats litter box & now he’s laying across the driveway staring at the stars & quoting Kierkegaard
[Produce Aisle]
Sir, we’re going to have to ask you to leave.
*mouthful of like 20 grapes *
“That lady took one too!!”
Did you know stuffing your bra with toilet paper works pretty well…
except when it rains.
[fancy restaurant]
JESUS: what do you do for a living
DATE: I’m a pilot
JESUS: *narrows eyes*
Marry the person who looks at you the way a Labrador looks at a tennis ball…obsessed, slightly crazed and probably drooling a little.
It’s hoodie and chainsaw weather finally
*slams a five on the counter*
“Bartender! Give me another!”
*bartender pours me another bowl of Cinnamon Toast Crunch*
A case of yoo-hoos, canned spaghetti and xanax. I’m like a 6 year old with anxiety and a driver’s license.
“I don’t want a boyfriend.” -woman who wants a boyfriend who isn’t me
“how can you be single?”
*smirks*
gimme 60 seconds, you’re about to find out
Something extremely foolish must be done about all this.
Nature’s first bud, spring is in bloom
If you’ve never seen your woman truly pissed at you, it’s obvious you’ve never used her sewing scissors to cut paper.
If I’m guilty of anything it’s only of loving too much, insider trading, public indecency, treason, arson, jaywalking, piracy & cannibalism.
Got disqualified from the rap battle for being too dope*
*trying to start a tickle fight