If the kids can eat chocolate eggs for breakfast, that means I can have Bailey’s in my coffee, right?

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Columbus: I like it here

Native American: Me too, that’s why I live here

Columbus: Why you ‘used to live here’


“And why do you want to work at the aquarium?”
* imagines me with a mermaid tail swimming in the giant tank after hours*
I like fish


*pulls all the hair out of my brush and places it all over my dog*


Triangle player: *proudly playing his triangle
[Octagon player struts on stage]
Triangle player: “What the-“


Cop: Do you know how fast you were going, ma’am?
Me: I left my pills in my other bag & I’m about to get REALLY chatty.
C: You’re free to go.


I would be okay with a ghost in the house if every time a bathroom mirror fogged up with steam, it slowly wrote out “DID YOU LOSE WEIGHT?”


Hey! Welcome to Urban Outfitters. Are you a baby-sized woman or a woman-sized man?


Being goth is hard. The curse on your boss is not working. Ravens are impossible to train. Deodorant marks on your black clothes. Ugh.


A woman was arrested when her boyfriend’s body was found in a freezer in their living room. Who the hell puts a freezer in the living room?


Whenever someone says, “Good question” I never hear their answer because I’m too busy congratulating myself for asking such a good question.