@gfishandnuggets

If the kids can eat chocolate eggs for breakfast, that means I can have Bailey’s in my coffee, right?

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@AbbyHasIssues

How to use a credit card machine:

1. Insert card.
2. Don’t remove it yet.
3. Nope, still not yet.
4. Yeah, not yet either.
5. REMOVE CARD NOW! OH MY GOD DON’T MAKE ME KEEP BEEPING AT YOU LIKE A BOMB IS ABOUT TO GO OFF!

@ColeyGuacamole_

When you say “9 out of 10 forest fires are caused by humans” all I hear is “there’s a bear out there who knows how to use matches.”

@Wtftab

For gods sake! You’d think it would be safe not locking a car in a church carpark on a Sunday, apparently NOT. Anyway I got 8 iPhones.

@cydbeer

Husband “I thought you were dieting?”

Me “I am”

Husband “You just ate 6 Oreos”

Me “Yes but I want to eat 12. See – Dieting”

@dumbbeezie

I just want to know enough sign language to convince people to stop talking to me

@TashyP_

Anytime my 6 yr old daughter replies with ‘What?’, there’s always that split second where I fight my urge to start quoting Pulp Fiction.

@MrFilmkritik

When someone disagrees with you online & demands you prove your point to their satisfaction by writing a logically sound defense, u can save a lot of time by not doing that.

Dude, I’ve known u for ten seconds & enjoyed none of them, I’m not taking homework assignments from you.

@isabelzawtun

Me accepting an Oscar: and I’d like to thank the designer who made my beautiful gown: the 5 rats who live in the alley behind my house. Not magical rats that can talk or sing, just a normal regular buncha rats – STOP PLAYING THE MUSIC I’M NOT FINISHED

@haleysfalling

patrick henry: GIVE ME LIBERTY OR GIVE ME DEATH
bad people: ok, death
patrick henry: [turns around and whispers] guys this was not smart