Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Just a reminder your kids will be left to clean out your belongings when you die and will find ‘the bedroom drawer’.

Not sure why people with shingles aren’t prescribed roofies.

And send.

Not to brag but I don’t even need meditation, my mind goes blank the second someone asks me for directions.

Attractive women post selfies and refer to themselves as ugly. As a group, if we begin agreeing with them we could stop that shit quick.

“Why buy expensive fireworks when you can make your own with ordinary household chemicals?” I said, and the other patients in the ER agreed.

GIRLFRIEND: If you’re asked to say grace at Thanksgiving again this year, what do you say?

ME: Thank you Lord for the food we are about to receive.

HER: And what do you not say?

ME: *sigh* Wham bam thank you yams.

Sephora employee: Congratulations! You have 100,000 points. You can choose 3 of the following.

[skywriting]
Karen, do you have the checkbook? The skywriting guy won’t let me out of the plane until he gets his deposit.

Right, that’ll keep the plane spotters away from the bottom of the runway, next job…

[job interview]
Interviewer: are you familiar with microsoft word
Me: yes i’ve heard that word many times

*office*
Me:…
Coworker:…
Me:…
CW:…
Me:…
CW:…
Me:…
CW:…
Me:…
CW:…
Me:…
CW:…
Me:…
CW:…
Me:*puts headphones on*
CW: Hey just sent you an email

4-yr-old saw picture of me pregnant.
I explain that she was inside me. She thought for a bit then said:
“I never want to do that again.”

I asked my doctor if I’m healthy enough for sex and he told me I’m not even sexy enough for health.

I don’t care what color they are, if you have two socks, that’s a pair of socks

[pulling sword out of stone] now I am the rightful king of all England [sword keeps coming out] what the hell [colored handkerchiefs fly from the stone] oh no it’s as I’ve feared [clowns around me take a knee]

I don’t worry about my ex husband stealing my identity because he never even remembered my birthday

They should put barf bags in all the voting booths this year.

If by ‘paleontologist’ you mean I can name all 5 shapes in the box of dinosaur chicken nuggets then, yes, I am a paleontologist.

I am also baked goods

still processing the fact the US government was like yeah, aliens are real and coming more and more often, and we were all like listen it’s been a hard year lol and then we just didn’t talk about it again

I’m taking my niece and nephew to the corn maze today. If I can’t lose them there, I’ll try the mall again.

Nobody was healthier than my vegan, gluten-free friend Chad until the day that baby squirrel beat him to death.

A “clear memory” button, but for my brain.

And while we’re at it, a “delete cookies” button, but for my thighs.

Girlfriend left a note on the fridge “this isn’t working, you take everything too literally”.

She’ll be so happy when she sees the new one.

“Good morning, this is your pilot speaking”
…
“AND THIS IS YOUR PILOT SHOUTING”
…
“and this is your pilot doing some sick beatboxing”

Should the hole from my vaccination shot be beeping a day later?

Came home to find 13 doing the dishes without being asked.

Now I’m just waiting on the police to get here with the news of whatever he did.

A boy asked his bitcoin-investing dad for 1 bitcoin for his birthday.

Dad: What? $15,554??? $14,354 is a lot of money! What do you need $16,782 for anyway?

OMG, shoot him with a crossbow one time and he never shuts up about it.
It wasn’t even fatal.

Yeah I go to the gym.

Today I will be working on my uh…cordyceps.