Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Brain, I know you’re trying hard but you are not doing a good job.

Good thing “you only live once” has really caught on otherwise we might all kill ourselves like it’s no big deal

[wife in labor]
*i press play on cassette
{Ice Cube – You Can Do It}
Wife:WHAT THE HELL
Me: sorry hun
*ff to {SaltNPeppa – Push It}

Sleeping Beauty is my favorite Disney movie where the curse sounds amazing.

Zebras? Oh, you mean horse referees

*picking up coins off the dance floor*

I knew I should have emptied my fanny pack before twerking.

I normally have a decent sense of direction but when I leave the exam room at a doctor’s office and have to find my way to the exit I’m suddenly Harry Potter in the Hedge Maze

A good response to any question is “what do you plan to do with this information”, especially at a McDonald’s drive-through

Me, getting mugged: make sure you use that credit card for groceries. I get fuel points.

Forget the wolf. I’m hungry like my cat when she hears any kind of container being opened.

Me at dinner on a first date: I’m not answering any more questions without a lawyer.

I had the car up on the jack loosening the lug nuts, neighbor says you’re going to kill yourself here let me show you, and that’s how you get someone to change a tire for you.

acme was just mailing bombs and rockets and shit to a dog

I thought I felt a spider crawling on my neck.

Now I have to pretend I was breakdancing at this bank.

Timeouts just give children a quiet place to plot your murder.

My 4-year-old Nephew told me a school friend gave him her address so he can go over for play dates.

The address:

I thought I might be pregnant.

It turns out I’m just three months fat.

A work friend’s daughter is getting married and she asked me to help plan a potato bar for the reception. I did it. I’m a potato planner. I can die now. This is the reason I was born.

Lord, grant me the serenity to accept the terms and conditions I do not read.

[doctor’s office]
Me: My eye hurts.
Doctor: Okay. But first let’s have you step up on this scale so we can see how fat you are.

I can’t believe I actually married the right person this time.

[Watching Alien: Resurrection]

*Alien dies*

Me: *skeptical* Not buying it.

[husband reaching for me in bed]

me: sorry you’ve exceeded your rate limit

I should really stop writing “lol” after “exercise” on my to do lists.

Once you understand they’re unwilling time travelers dropped here moments earlier, the confused actions of squirrels suddenly make sense.

Someone at work sent an email that said “happy Monday” so I’m going to HR.

saw a hinge profile that said “dom. cinephile.” like what, are you gonna tie me up with an HDMI cable and make me watch the seventh seal?

We’ve designed you a new phone 007.
It’s exactly the same as your old phone but you’ll need to buy a new charger.

With the holidays upon us, please dont forget what they stand for. Family, friends & punching strangers at the mall because they cut in line

What goes “ooooooooo”?

A cow with no lips.