If the kids knew there was a light in the attic, they would leave that one on too.
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If you hold a cat by the tail you learn things you cannot learn any other way.
[shows up 2 hours late for interview]
Sorry I was trying to get out of a beanbag chair.
something magical should happen if you eat enough saltwater taffy. maybe a mermaid drags you into the ocean
ANIMAL CROSSING: you pull out a fish you caught two minutes ago and everyone in town applauds you.
STARDEW VALLEY: you spend 19 days growing a carrot and give it to a woman who disdainfully says, “I don’t want this” yet still takes your carrot. The carrot costs 2,000 dollars.
we can cancel Times Square we’ve dropped the ball all year.
Lance Armstrong should be applauded for being able to ride a bike so well on drugs. I tried it once. Hit a dog and fell into the canal.
Exorcist came by. Says house isn’t possessed, just incredibly poorly built.
Everyone: Wow, I love your official animal.
Aussies: Thanks, it has pockets.
I just hit the back arrow on a website and it took me to a page that said “before you leave” no. I already made the decision.
Are 19th Century menstrual pads called period pieces?
I’m at the point in my life where “friend with benefits” just means a person who gives me their Bed Bath & Beyond coupons.
Them: Hey girl what’s your sign
Me: McDonalds Open 24 hours
Have a friend who takes pics of her food and then goes to the restroom to delete them all. Instagramorexia Nervosa.
Single and divorced men in their 40’s
prefer women at their own maturity level.That explains why they date women
half their age.
How to resolve a complaint from neighbours
Boyfriend: hey this girl was hitting on me today!
Me: *don’t care*
Best friend: hey this other girl called me bestie
Me: *jealous rage*
Them: Are you Jewish?
Me: Yup.
Them: And you’re from Toronto?
Me: Yup.
Them: Do you know Dave Rosenberg? He lives in Toronto.
Me: Not every Jew knows each other.
Them: Okay, so you don’t know him then?
Me: I do. He happens to be my cousin.
I had the whole English language available to me and I used “weirdo” twice. But when you’re confronted with a weirdo…well that’s why we have the word weirdo.
doctor: open up
me: it all started when my dad left
doctor: and say ahh
me: oh
doctor: no, “ahh”
[landlord showing new tenant around]
“No smoking allowed”
“How about pets?”
“That’s fine”
[dog walks in and lights up]
“We’ll take it”
Driving tests should have a portion where a kid in the backseat just pummels you with rapid-fire questions while you try to merge.
I’ve seen almost 400 kung-fu and wuxia movies over the past three years, so when I say I’ve never seen a fight like this before, it’s not hyperbole
(Drunken Dragon/Exciting Dragon – dir. Chiu Chung-Hing, 1985)
Baby needs a costume? Wrap it in tin foil. Baked potato. Next question.
The best part of a Dolly Parton presidency would be the Dolly Pardons.
nurse: *hands me a urine specimen cup* the bathroom’s over there
[later]
nurse: it’s empty
me: oh I didn’t need it, there was a toilet
Wife: *looking at three baskets full of my clothes* You need to do laundry.
Me: No, two of those are clean.
Them: What is wrong with you?
Me: How much time do you have?
ME: what’s wrong with my dog
VET: he appears perfectly healthy
ME: i give him a stick and he just stares at it
VET: …
ME: even if I go long, he refuses to throw it
the girl behind me on this 14 hr flight has brought a UKULELE and she is PLAYING IT
If you’re able to roll over in your grave, you should save that energy for yelling and digging.