“If the landlord asks, you’re a Chihuahua.”
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[gym]
ME: hey can you spot me
HIM: yeah
ME: *hiding under the bench* how about now
I think long & hard before using innuendo.
[forgetting the phrase “your honor”] not guilty, hammer daddy
[post sex interview]
reporter: what went wrong out there
me: well, i shouldn’t have yelled “holy moly” when i came
*yells up to treehouse*
me: what are you girls doin?
them: *yells back* chattin and braidin!
me: *climbing up* WAIT ARE THOSE BOY’S NAMES, I DON’T KNOW ANYMORE
Dating a skinny guy is cool and all until you both get naked and the societal expectation that women be smaller overwhelms you and the shame u feel about ur body drives you to tears
[police raid at balloon store]
Cop on radio:”We can hear gunfire is everyone ok, over”
Hedgehog cop inside:”Its not gunfire, over”
Wife: please don’t
I look her in the eyes, kiss her delicately and shake my head
Me: somethings are worth fighting for
I slowly stand, catch my breath for a few seconds and start walking towards the buffet bar for the 10th time
“GENTLEMEN, WE ARE AT WAR WITH TROY AND MUST NOT DROP OUR GUARD AT ALL”
“Sir, the enemy gave us a giant wooden horse”
“Oh rad bring it in”
My family tried an “Unplugged Evening”, and that’s how we accidentally killed Nana
I didn’t realize how much of parenting is yelling “It’s not a touchscreen!”
ME: What’s your secret? You’ve barely aged a day in years.
MUSEUM EMPLOYEE: *into walkie-talkie* That guy who keeps talking to the statues is back.
“i hope this email finds you,” she threatened
[Bear attack]
Me: Thank god bears can’t climb trees, I should be safe here.
Bear: *shoots a grappling hook* Think again pal!
One venti cheeseburger please.
If the sun is blacking out at 1pm on a Monday than so am I
i married for love
but the obvious side benefit of having someone around to find my glasses cannot be ignored
Ever notice how crickets can be ventriloquists? You think you’ve figured out where they are in the house only to hear that they’re somewhere behind you.
turns out I don’t want a boyfriend, I just want a duet partner to sing the guy’s part in “Little Talks” by Of Monsters and Men. sorry for the confusion
Unknown number calls and expects me to talk first, welcome to breathing competition.
[nervously speeding up as I drive my date past a Taco Bell]
SIRI: At frequent destination. Set this address as ‘Home’ address?
I told my 5 year old my birthday was coming up and he asked if we were going to have pizza and a bounce house and now I’m wondering why the hell I’m not.
Lord help the person who honks at a mom while she’s strapping her kids in their car seats.
It was already gonna take an hour to get us ready, but now it might just take 2.
SON: I need you to check under the bed for monsters.
ME: Listen, I appreciate your confidence in me, but if there’s a monster under there it’s going to kill us both.
I went from rags to one rag.
I’ve always taught my children that no matter what race or religion, all good looking people deserve respect.
God: [making trees]
Trees: yay
God: [making beavers]
Trees: nonononono
Why don’t they make posters that go this hard anymore
I got fired from IKEA for telling every customer, “I have no idea where the item you’re looking for is, but I really do hope you find it”.
I want to open up a Shakespeare theater in a Chinese restaurant.
Dimsummernight’s dream