“If the landlord asks, you’re a Chihuahua.”
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inappropriate Care Bears be like:
she’s already got guys telling her she’s beautiful. be different. send her a cheese board.
Zelda is the name of the PRINCESS, the guy in green who saves her is named Luigi, idiots.
I love triscuits. It’s like eating a basket
me: I need to see the doctor
receptionist: ok, name?
me: I can’t remember but he has gray hair
From the other room:
DO YOU EVEN UNDERSTAND WHAT MISCOMMUNICATION IS?Me: *nods*
I don’t understand how i’m getting oreo crumbs in the bed if im swallowing them whole
You’re drunk and trying to outrun the cops on horseback but they eventually catch you because it turns out you’re just on a carousel
Fox canceled Cops. So I guess if I want to stay current on what my family is up to now, I’ll have to turn to Facebook.
When I’m eating shared nachos I’m always thinking 3 nacho moves ahead of my opponent.
All the other soldiers are mad at me because I keep making helicopter noises when they’re trying to sleep
Me: Be good and I’ll give you a Fudgsicle
4-year-old: Give me a Fudgsicle or I’ll be bad
Positive reinforcement is no match for blackmail.
Therapist accidentally sent me her cat
me: i have test anxiety
classmate: it’s okay, jesus has answers
jesus: *descending from sky* the first three are all D
You know what comes after “leg day”?
Can’t walk up or down stairs day
When you’re married, you’re part of a team, there’s checks and balances, two brains are better than one, you guys can bounce ideas off each other.
But being single means never having to explain what you spent $8,345.65 on or why there’s a baby kangaroo living in your house
[a boomerang is thrown at me]
me: oh no holy frickin crap !
[one second later]
me: (toughly) …ok yeah that’s what i THOUGHT
Local community Facebook groups are like:
“Anyone know what day is garden waste collection?”
↪️ “Ours is Friday but I don’t live anywhere near you”
↪️ “Friday is my daughter Lesley’s birthday.”
I just looked over at my new shoes and the box says “vegan”. I’ve never had to feed my other shoes before
I think “Ur mom” is a sassy answer to any question.
Especially “Who gave birth to me” or “Who divorced my dad”.
Dear ladies who wear black tights and red shoes:
Please stop.
Minnie Mouse is not a style icon for grown women.
Love,
M
*strums guitar*
This is a little ditty I’ve been working on called “Stop putting nuts in the god damn brownies”
Hope you like it.
My favorite Facebook tradition is when women wish another woman happy birthday by posting a picture together from their wedding. Like happy birthday but this is still all about me.
Me: [print]
Printer: You’re low on ink
Me: What? I just bought ink
P: You’re low on magenta
Me: I want to print in black
P: You need magenta
Me: wtf I just need black & black is full
P: magennnnta
Me: [buys and installs $30 magenta cartridge]
Me: [print]
P: So, about your cyan
HOT SINGLES IN YOUR AREA ARE HIDING BEHIND THE CORNER. THEY ARE GOING TO JUMP OUT AND TAKE YOUR PHONE, WALLET AND PURSE.
Dr. Oz says rubbing coffee grounds on your naked body prevents cellulite. But apparently you can’t do it in Starbucks & now the cops are here.
If you’re ugly, I won’t alert you if you have a typo. You have enough on your plate as it is.
“Listen to your body?” dude my body reflexively blows on yogurt just because I’m eating it with a spoon
In order to catch herpes, u have to think like a herpes
I’m writing a book of obitchuaries for all the people who are dead to me