“If the landlord asks, you’re a Chihuahua.”
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Old friend: I barely recognize you.
“That’s the look I was going for. “
Neighbor’s newborn won’t stop crying. Typical Taurus.
Me: *opens fridge*
Dog: you gonna finish that
WHAT DO WE WANT?
A REALLY FAST CAR TO DRIVE PAST!
WHEN DO WE WANT IT?
NNNEYOWWWWWwwwww…
I remember when all this was farmland!
*gestures toward internet*
surely this is the hangover that will teach me my lesson
My job has this cool thing, where if you do your job very well you get to do other peoples jobs too.
Waiter: Ready to order?
Friend: I’ll have the quinoa and grilled tofu lettuce wrap.
Me: I’ll take the MSG platter with a side of gluten.
When someone invites me to their home, and I see more than 3 cars outside, I just keep on driving. Just in case it’s an intervention!🤣🤣🤣
We have a 19-year-old cat. At least we think so. He sometimes lies about his age.
The Shawshank Redemption but it’s just me tunneling from my office to the break room so I don’t have to talk to my boss.
Singing happy birthday when masked is no longer permitted until we determine who was beatboxing.
I hate when I forget to shave then people assume I’m a hippy and start talking about recycling.
You’ll never know how creative you really are until you need to start lying to your kids.
* asks plastic surgeon
” can you make me look like this Snapchat filter minus the crown of flowers?”
There’s way too much blood in my alcohol system today
me: so the wife and I started running the dishwasher in the morning instead of at night and it’s had a real positive impact on our days, for example-
officer writing ticket: i’ll let you go if you just please stop talking
[Pizza falls on the ground]
Hold
HOLD!
-Germ boss telling his minions not to jump on the pizza until it’s been a full five seconds.
Sometimes I wonder why kids are so angry and then I remember how hard it is for them to get alcohol
Take a stand against childhood obesity by chasing little fat kids down the street.
Hamburger Helper only works if the hamburger is ready to accept that it needs help.
“That seems like a you problem” was my favorite comeback until my 5 yo said it to me
This is my daughter Amaranth, my son Sorghum, and our dog Millet. Sorry if the photo is a little — grainy.
Boom! Zing! This is free content!
App: This app would like to use your location.
Me: NOT NOW I’M SITTIN’ ON THE TOILET!!
This everything bagel has too much giraffe on it
Him: Hi
Me: I bet you say that to all the girls
“Give me a positive adjective…”
“Splendid.”
“Nice. Now how about a negative adjective?”
“Splendidn’t.”
I had a dream where I thought I had rats in my bed but it turned out to be a passel of wiener dogs. If my subconscious mind were a person, I’d want it in jail.
excuse me, are you gonna finish those fries
me, interrupting a couple fighting
Getting grey hair hurts less when you say you’re sprouting tinsel instead.