Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I have a huge bruise on my face and a concussion, today my nurse friend asked if I was safe at home, considering I was home alone when this happened, the answer is no.

Don’t believe what others say about you, they know nothing. For example, in 4th grade my teacher said I was going to grow up and be successful and she was wrong on both accounts

My daughter dries dishes like she is a rich lady in the witness protection program trying to integrate into a small midwestern town.

Me: I spend a lot of time awake at night, asking myself things like “Why don’t dogs have belly buttons?”

Priest: Ok valid question but not a confession, per se

Me: So I hear you’re the guy that invented lying

Guy: No it wasn’t me

Me: Impressive

[jail]
ME: I want my phone call
COP: Ok. Make it count
ME: [dials payphone]
[cop’s mobile rings]
COP: Hello?
ME: Please let me go

My kids couldn’t give two shits about personal hygiene unless we are running late somewhere

I was just complaining to myself about how lazy my daughter is until I realized she gets that from me so now it’s adorable and endearing, of course.

I hate how commercialized Amazon Prime Day has become.

My swear jar is now worth more than my stock portfolio.

[inventing wind]
God: hand me some of the air from yesterday
Angel: what are you going to do?
God: I’m gonna make it angry

Autoerotic asphyxiation? No thanks, I’m not much of a car guy.

Canadians say “sorry” so much that a law was passed in 2009 declaring that an apology can’t be used as evidence of admission to guilt

“What if a third team came and attacked these two teams?” – my daughter, not understanding football/making football more awesome

Having a pet is basically just asking “how did you get so cute?” followed by “why are you wet?” 6 or 7 times a day.

Mugger: Give me your money

Me: Get ready to see some karate!

Mugger: Oh yeah?

Me: I have tournament tickets in my man bag

To bye at an auction you should bid adieu

People say having no friends as a child is bad but if I did have friends back then I would never have invented the frisbeerang.

Coughed up a pawn. Then a bishop.

Damn chess infection 😕

Dating is just wondering why some people are single and figuring it out.

if I was a nepo baby I’d never use my parents’ status to get a job, I’d live off their money and never work

Reality show idea: “So You Think You Can Touch Mike Tyson’s Nose.” Hidden camera. Tyson isn’t in on it.

You’re telling me this man will loan me a shark?

Waiter: Fresh pepper, sir?

Me: Yes, please.

Pepper: Honey, I’m as single as a dollar and I’m not lookin’ for change.

20’s: I am invincible!
40’s: I am very vincible

If salons offered free wine with a wax, Twitter moms wouldn’t have any hair at all.

millennials love books because we grew up watching Beauty and the Beast, in which a woman is willing to do anything to get her hands on a library—even marry a literal bull-moose-man.

Batman walks into a Wayne Enterprise meeting and starts talking stocks. He realises he forgot to change. He drops a gas pellet and runs out.

every single person who owns two cats has one beautiful idiot and one terrifying demon plotting a coup

do singers know a song will be big beforehand? like that snow white hi-ho song, no way those lil’ dudes knew, they were just mining and shit